Connect
To Top

10 things successful veterans do every day

The strongest veterans are successful after they leave military service.

Read on and discover the things you need to do in your DAILY ROUTINE in order to become a SUCCESSFUL VETERAN!

1. Wake Up

Whether it’s at 6am or 3pm, or in a bed or on a piece of cardboard, all successful veterans wake up at some point during they day. After they wake up all successful veterans begin to do things that are difficult to do when they’re asleep. Do this every day and you’ll be like a veteran in no time!

2. Masturbate

Whether it’s spanking the monkey, jerkin the gerkin, or slambarizing the ol’ meatjabbing glapperpole, successful veterans pleasure themselves on a daily basis. After years of combat jacks, veterans are adept at masturbating at odd times and in dangerous conditions.

Follow their lead and masturbate with the windows open, in the office break room, or while yelling at women on the street. Masturbate several times a day and you’ll be welcomed into the circle of veterans with open arms.

3. Gain Weight

Successful veterans put on at least two pounds per day. Veterans know to continue their active duty diet of an entire pizza and 2 liter or Coke for dinner. If you’re not capable of causing a ship to list you’re not going to be a successful veteran, but fear not! You can be the guy wearing an XXXXL Navy t-shirt struggling to walk up a flight of stairs.

4. Grow A Beard

Successful veterans were in the military and had to shave every day, so they like to let loose and grow a beard. The most successful show their individuality by copying trends in facial hair or imitating celebrities. Can’t go wrong with the Becks!

5. Take Pain Medications.

Whether it’s combat wounds, chronic pain from ruck marches, or the mental trauma of never deploying, nobody leaves the military intact. Every successful veteran takes a handful of pills to get up and another handful to crush up and get high. Become a successful veteran and get a cocktail of pills from the VA.

The strength of your prescription will be doubled every year, no questions asked.

6. Drink

Every successful veteran downs a minimum of nine beers a day. The truly great have several drinks in the morning, down a bottle of whiskey at work, then drive their kids home from day care. Children of the most successful veterans know to get their daddies a couple of cold ones from the fridge then go straight to their room without making any goddamn noise.

7. Tell People They Used To Be a Big Shot

Successful veterans spend a lot of time at the bar reliving past glories. They prove their toughness and grit by talking people into buying their drinks for free. The most successful veterans make up stories about losing friends in combat. Others repeat funny things their drill instructors said in basic.

Be like a veteran and tell your war stories. Don’t worry if you’re stories are all lies; theirs are too.

8. Sell T-Shirts

Every successful veteran starts a t-shirt company on a daily basis. Designs include, but are not limited to, 35 American flags, bald eagles attacking a man in a turban, or the slogan ‘Veteran. FUCK OFF.’

Many successful veterans steal a design from another store, change ‘Ft. Benning’ to ‘Ft. Polk,’ and pass it off as their own. With Cafepress and pity sales from their families, these businesses make just enough for successful veterans to think they’re legitimate entrepreneurs.

9. Make A YouTube Video Of Themselves Holding A Gun

Successful veterans know everyone wants to hear what they think. That’s why every day they’ll film a video of themselves with a rifle. This shows they are the most successful of veterans and people should care about what they have to say.

For best results, have a woman in an American flag bikini standing behind you.

10. Bitch About Political Correctness

This country’s going to shit because everyone’s becoming sensitive pussies, and the only people left who tell it like it is are successful veterans. Many like to complain about how they don’t like things that are happening in an organization they’re not a part of anymore. Be like successful veterans. Be brave and tell the world how you refuse to bang fat chicks.

Now you KNOW the HABITS that make veterans so successful! Follow these simple tips every day and you’ll be A SUCCESSFUL VETERAN in NO TIME!

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Member

12. Wear baseball cap with Oakleys on top of the brim.

Member

11. Create an onion knock off run through a military filter. Be somewhat popular the first year or two and completely irrelevant thereafter.

lonnie93041
Member

This one had me in stitches. I hate getting spam facebook posts trying to sell me some new ugly, tasteless, offensive t shirt and links to some boneheaded Rambo wannabe on youtube ranting about whatever. About time someone called those dickheads out.

Member

Sometimes you guys are hilarious. This time, your not.

lonnie93041
Member

I think it’s one of their best.

Member

*you’re

wpDiscuz

More from Advice