BAY PINES, Fla. — During a visit to review waiting times at the Bay Pines Veterans Affairs Healthcare System, inspector Floyd Rungren was left in a shower with a dead veteran for nine hours, sources confirmed today.
“In 35 years of service at the VA, I’ve never seen anything so outrageous as this,” said a perfectly-clean Rungren, displaying the shriveled skin on his fingertips. “They wanted me to inspect plumbing renovations at Bay Pines, and I agreed. Maybe there was a shift change or something but I was forgotten all day.”
"I mean, I can't even use the fingerprint scanner back at the Department," he complained. "I guess I'll have to be let in on personal recognizance." Wiping soap from his extremely-clean left ear, Rungren said, "When I get back to my office, I'll file a strongly-worded report to my supervisor about having to kill time with that body lying there. Jesus."
Rungren appeared to be referring to a veteran who allegedly died in a facility shower and whose remains were not removed for over nine hours.
"This outrage must never again happen to our distinguished veterans," declared Rungren, who is also a veteran. "When a senior Department official is ignored like this, there must be changes."
However, Bay Pines administrator Merle Johnson disagreed. "I'm sorry about the body we ignored but our health care system rightly prioritizes its limited resources on the soon-to-be left-for-dead, not the dead."
Rep. Beto O'Rourke (D-Texas), who has made improving veterans' care a priority, was outraged.
"I am tired of learning about the poor treatment of our heroic veteran inspectors, who are a national treasure," he said. "They work hard to ensure that we in Congress receive accurate information about the quality of health care that the government doesn't provide to vets," O'Rourke said.
"God bless this shriveled inspector and his family during this difficult holiday season, what with his skin rehabilitation coming up at an exclusive D.C. doctor's office."
O'Rourke added that he would introduce a bill to fund new fingerprint scanners for the VA.