THE PENTAGON — Following on the heels of the Performance Triad campaign, the Army’s Office of the Surgeon General is rolling out new measures aimed at enhancing soldier performance, to include a recommendation for all soldiers to consume at least ten energy drinks daily.
“While the Performance Triad is an important first step, let’s be honest. Real performance comes from ingesting immense amounts of psychostimulants,” said Lt. Gen. Nadja West, the 44th Surgeon General of the Army.
According to sources close to West, the Surgeon General was discouraged upon recently learning that many soldiers only consume three to four energy drinks daily, referring to them as “pussies” who “can’t handle a little caffeine.”
“Speaking of pussies, I’ve instructed AAFES to import massive quantities of Pussy Energy Drink from the UK,” said West. “I want every Post Exchange to have it stocked floor to ceiling. I want all of our soldiers to be drowning in it.”
AAFES has placed orders for a 20-fold increases in shipments of Red Bull, Rockstar, Full Throttle, Burn, Vemma, Relentless, Monster, Rip It, and Street King energy drinks. West also wants energy drinks readily available for field exercises, and has mandated all M-149 trailers, commonly known as water buffaloes, to now be filled with “potable Red Bull.”
“If you aren’t at a stumbling-around-heart-skipping-beats-haven’t-slept-in-three-weeks-tripping-balls-thinking-you’re-the-Antichrist stage of caffeine intoxication, you need to kick back a few more energy drinks,” said West.
West also recommended all soldiers speculate they might have ADHD and request their doctor give them a prescription for Adderall, even though they’ve never before been diagnosed with ADHD and are probably just full of shit.