Air Force to allow average looking, uncool people to become fighter pilots

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LANGLEY AIR FORCE BASE, Va. — Due to manning cuts and years of major airliners paying higher wages for sweet abs, the U.S. Air Force Air Combat Command may begin allowing normal-looking people become fighter pilots as early as 2020, sources report.

Sources say that Air Force Chief Gen. David L. Goldfein addressed a crowd of shirtless pilots at a post volleyball match early last week, informing them that due to manning cuts in previous years, some pilots were forced to finish early and leave many units flaccid.

“Air Force Policy requires that each flying squadron maintain enough pilots to publish four consecutive 12-month calendars without seeing the same half-naked pilot more than once,” Goldfein said to the glistening aviators. “We may be forced to recruit back some talent, which we know will be difficult due to their hectic modeling schedules.”

Col. Arnold Heinz, chief of plans and programming, echoed Goldfein’s comments.

“Sure they’re are plenty of applicants,” said Heinz, in front of a stack of applicant folders. “Like this guy from MIT with 3,000 hours at a regional airline. But with those pecs its hard to see if he has the aptitude to fly combat missions.”

Meanwhile, advocates for uncool people argue that average-looking people should definitely be allowed to fly.

“As long as they oil up beforehand and don’t skip leg day, they shouldn’t have any issues becoming proud and successful aviators,” said Larry Knight, a critic of the Air Force’s exclusion of uncool people like him, a policy that forced him to become a loser Army helicopter pilot instead.