WASHINGTON — Nearly all members of the Coast Guard will take the month of April off in a new involuntary awareness campaign dubbed “Month without a Coastie,” sources confirmed today.
As part of the campaign — which was unintentionally started by the Trump administration’s proposed cutting of $1 billion from the service’s budget — Coast guardsmen will refrain from saving lives and cut back on counter drug operations and illegal migrant interdiction.
The Guard will, however, use the remainder of its budget to bitch that it can’t afford to do anything, while noting that it would really like another “GODDAMN ICEBREAKER LIKE IT’S BEEN PRACTICALLY BEGGING CONGRESS TO APPROVE FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS,” a source added.
“A Month Without A Coastie” is similar to a trend of bringing attention to undervalued demographics (Immigrants, Women, etc). Though the Coast Guard really has no choice but to not perform its job, top leaders figured they might as well make a thing out of it.
“We are in solidarity with coasties across the country,” said Commandant Adm. Paul Zukunft, who delivered a speech inside an air craft hangar at Air Station Cape Cod. “Now, can somebody give me a ride to the airport? We don’t have enough funds for a driver or a rental car and I got a 6:30 flight out of Logan.”
The impact will be difficult to measure, but some communities are worried.
A number of sectors and air stations will close for all of April and give members the month off. Sources say this will provide an immeasurable gap in coverage of search and rescue, sea based terrorist activity, and a plethora of drug and human trafficking.
During his speech, Zukunft said several Coast Guard Stations would close due to the proposed cuts. Many in the crowd carried signs reading “Coasties Make America Great”, “Will Coast For Food!”, and “Who You Gonna Call? Not The Coast Guard Anymore, So I Guess You’re Going To Die.”
“At first I was thrilled to get a month off, but then I realized we ran out of money and I probably won’t get paid,” said Petty Officer Larry McKim, who works for the air station.
“I’m hoping this month off might get the point across,” said Lt. Kimberly Hearn, an instructor. “Where do you think all those illegal immigrants are going to go once the wall is built? They’re not building jetpacks!”
Still, some members of the public told reporters they had not heard of “A Month Without A Coastie,” and many more were unaware the Coast Guard even existed.
Zukunft acknowledged that the Coast Guard couldn’t afford to continue its mission for the upcoming month. The service updated its website with “See you in May (Maybe?)” and encouraged Coasties to wear the color blue as a sign of solidarity.
According to the U.S. Coast Guard Boating Resource Center website, an average day for the Coast Guard results in hundreds of searches and rescues, dozens of lives saved, and seizures of enough marijuana to put Willie Nelson in a coma and enough cocaine to make Jordan Belfort scream “I am not gonna die sober!”
Coast Guard districts, including District Eleven in Alameda, District One in Boston, and District Thirteen in Seattle have canceled all cutter patrols since they will not be able to afford fuel, maintenance repairs, or food provided for the crew.
Instead, the Coast Guard will play smooth jazz over the international hailing and distress radio frequency until further notice.
District officials in Alameda tried to alleviate such problems by sporadically dumping life rafts all over the ocean, building cardboard boats with mannequins holding fake guns on the edge of territorial seas, and straight up telling people to not go out on the water for a while.
“The constant through these dynamic and challenging times has been the people who make up the Department of Homeland Security,” said John Kelly, secretary of homeland security.
“Except maybe the Coast Guard. I’m still not sure anyone is going to notice they’re gone,” he added.