Signals intelligence analyst under investigation for being normal

53,974

FORT MEADE, Md. —  An Air Force signals intelligence analyst working for the National Security Agency is under formal investigation for being normal, sources confirmed today.

Staff Sgt. Charles Nelson — “Chaz” to his large and diverse circle of non-SIGINT friends — is uniformly described as liking all sports as well as being fit and sociable. Investigators say he has even had the same girlfriend — a real woman — for more than two years.

“I don’t know about this women thing, but I do know that Nelson is too crazy for us. I heard he volunteered to walk dogs at an animal shelter. He needs to have his clearance pulled,” said Technical Sgt. Henry Jack, a former supervisor of Nelson’s, who spoke with reporters while vacuuming the thirty pristine throw rugs on his dorm room floor for the third time that day.

The Air Force’s Office of Special Investigations declined to comment.

“I hope he marries that g-g-girl,” said Senior Master Sgt. Henry “Opus” Ratt, operations center supervisor, as he emptied his pocket of nickels and pennies and adjusted them over and over again on his desk to make patterns only career SIGINTers, or Dr. Hannibal Lecter, would appreciate.

“If he gets married, that would improve the undeserved low reputation of the rest of us,” he said. Ratt, who is single and lives in a junior enlisted dormitory by choice, added: “We SIGINTers are airmen, too. Tip of the spear, so we’re kind of like pararescue. Do you know number what comes after 1, 7, and 15? I do.”

When reached by Duffel Blog, Nelson declined comment since he was busy playing ultimate frisbee at a park near Fort Meade with his fraternity friends from the University of Maryland. Smiling and showing perfectly-formed white teeth while drinking a healthy kale smoothie, he said, “I can give you the name and number of my unit’s public affairs officer, if you’d like.”

At press time, Nelson’s commanding officer, Lt. Col. Biff “Coke Bottles” Buffy, said he was recommending Nelson for a commission and training as a pilot.

“He’s not a good fit for SIGINT,” said Buffy, uncertainly jerking his hands around in the air as if attacking unseen mosquitos. “His commissioning would surely improve morale in this squadron. And OSI could go back to chasing the 15 Snowdens I’m sure are here.”

Duffel Blog investigative reporter G-Had contributed to this article.