RAQQA, Syria — The self-proclaimed Islamic State has issued a statement condemning self-proclaimed comedian Kathy Griffin, accusing her of “cultural appropriation” after she posed for a photograph with a mock severed head of President Donald Trump.
The group, which has been protective of its brand ever since taking over vast swaths of Iraq and Syria and establishing itself as the premier beheading agency in the Middle East, said it was deeply disturbed by Griffin’s “ignorant and offensive” use of a “sacred Islamic State tradition.”
“This is just another example of a privileged white woman culturally appropriating the proud custom of a marginalized people. Beheadings are our thing, not your thing,” said the statement, which was released on Telegram.
Reports indicate that ISIS was at least somewhat relieved to see the swift and overwhelming backlash against Griffin on social media.
“Of course, the West’s social justice ‘warriors’ have always been our ally, and once again, they did not disappoint. We’re thankful that our fatwa friends immediately identified her offensive appropriation of one of our most cherished rituals,” said Aahil al-Raqqa, an executioner for the group.
According to sources close to the matter, it wasn’t simply Griffin’s portrayal of a beheading that was offensive, but also her lack of attention to detail to such a definitive aspect of ISIS culture.
“The face was so bloodied you could hardly see it,” al-Raqqa said. “Who does that?” he asked, adding that the point of displaying heads is so the media could identify the beheaded.
“She might as well have held up some plastic model head with a toupee and a lot of ketchup. This is even worse than when the Oberlin cafeteria served that pathetic excuse for Ban Mhi, or when those two American chicks in Portland stole burrito recipes from some poor abuelas down in Rosarito.”
Following CNN’s announcement that Griffin would no longer co-host that network’s signature New Year’s Eve celebration from Times Square, ISIS called on Griffin to further atone for her offense.
“Griffin may have been fired by CNN for stealing our culture, but she can still redeem herself,” the group said in a statement. “We demand she show up to Times Square on December 31st and throw that gay, Anderson Cooper, from the top of the tallest building. If she wants to be like us, then prove it.”
At press time, ISIS was reportedly also calling for a boycott of Squatty Potty, the first company to sever ties with Griffin over her stunt.
“Squatting to shit is also another proud ISIS cultural tradition, and we’re sick and tired of the west stealing our stuff.”
Paul Sharpe and Lieutenant Dan contributed reporting.