NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN — After steaming around the North Atlantic for the better part of a week, sources confirmed that the Coast Guard Cutter Hamilton had inadvertently traveled several miles offshore and is currently lost somewhere in the middle of the ocean.
“Hellllooooo! Is anybody out there?” the commanding officer said while nervously standing on the bridge wing. “We are running out of strawberries and I can’t see land! I am an officer in the United States Cost Guard, and I am so fucking lost right now! Oh, Jesus, I think I see a fin sticking out of the water. Can anybody hear me?”
“First we could see land and then all of a sudden we couldn’t!” said Ensign Terry Malacki, 22, who was making his way to the fantail when he realized they were in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. “I was like, ‘Oh shit!’ and started waving my arms in the air and throwing life rings into the ocean.”
By the time Malacki was done with his panic attack, 27 seconds had passed.
“My heart is beating out of my chest,” Malacki said. “I don’t know which way is home, I’m already coming up with a list of which member of the crew I have to eat first. I’m thinking it’ll be Johnson, he’s always been a little on the heavy side.”
“I tried to see if we still had cell phone service but I had zero bars,” Malacki said. “That’s when I knew we were completely fucked.”
As the crisis reached its second minute, the commanding officer was seen spelling out “H-E-L-P” on the flight deck with the ship’s fire hoses and waving his uniform at passing aircraft.
At press time, the Hamilton was reportedly relieved to have spotted a mooring buoy but it turned out it was only two whales having sex.