BAGRAM AIRFIELD, AFGHANISTAN – The Air Force has released information regarding a new weapon in their arsenal: The MX784 Irritant Dispersant, or “Glitter Bomb” as it is known in the service, has arrived on the scene in Afghanistan to the applause of many troops.
Colonel Stanley Roberts, a representative for the Air Force, explained what the bomb does over a phone interview.
“The glitter bomb has been used effectively on a smaller scale basis for years. Even Newt Gingrich got a face full of one. We simply adapted this weapon to use on a much larger scale. It’s an airburst weapon, meaning it doesn’t hit the ground and impact, but explodes over head of the enemy. Once the bomb detonates, an area of approximately one square mile is coated in glitter.”
But why glitter?, we asked.
COL Roberts responded, “Honestly, I can’t think of anything more annoying than this type of warfare. It’s been extremely effective in every engagement. In each case, the Taliban fighters immediately committed suicide once hit with the MX784. Everyone hates glitter, well, except for the gays and Ke$ha. The main drawback is that the affected area has to be treated like a radioactive site, because that glitter is never coming off. ”
While not prohibited under the Geneva Conventions, the Taliban has spoken out against the US saying the use of this weapon is a violation of human rights. Maktadar Al-Sabib, a spokesman for the Taliban, spoke in a video released to the web:
“This is an absolute affront to humanity. This type of weapon cannot be allowed! It is not surprising that the barbarian Americans developed such a sinister device to use upon Allah’s people. My poor friends Ahmad and Abdullah both had glitter covered beards and man-jammies. Our revenge will be swift and just!”
When asked about her view on the subject, Ke$ha was all for the use of the MX784. “I love glitter, and I think this is a great way to spread democracy to Afghanistan. Maybe everyone will learn to party and the war can end sooner rather than later.”
The gays declined to comment.