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CENTCOM Commander ‘Mad Dog’ General James Mattis Set To Retire

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General Mattis In Afghanistan, Giving A Speech On The Proper Methods For Killing The Enemy With Only A Knife

TAMPA, FL – Today the United States Central Command (CENTCOM) announced the resignation of its top commander, General James N. Mattis, who plans to retire from the Marine Corps in a matter of months. Mattis is best known for commanding the 1st Marine Division during the opening phases of Operation Iraqi Freedom, but has also been criticized by the media for his outspoken opinions and controversial quotes.

Some believe this to be the reason he was passed over for promotion to Commandant of the Marine Corps in 2010.

General Mattis, 62, is circumspect about his upcoming retirement. “I postponed my retirement to lead CENTCOM, but it’s just time to move on. Years ago I was called to serve my country by means of conferences and briefings, but I feel like, after forty years of that, I’ve done my duty.”

Mattis, pausing in a dead hang to speak with reporters during a set of weighted pull-ups, continued, “Now it’s time to admit that two hour update meetings are a young man’s game, hang it up, and live out my next sixty years as a private citizen back on the world’s battlefields, away from the constant stress of the office, like Al Gray would do.”

Mattis then effortlessly raised his chin above the bar, in spite of the thirty-five pound plate hanging from his dip belt.

The decades on the job have taken their toll on the General, a fact immediately apparent as he shuffles into the first of his day’s many meetings and briefings.

“What have we got today?” Mattis wearily asks his young aide. “Sir, we have Professor Eugene Shirley Blankenship here from the Geopolitical Military Policy Institute to discuss the historical role of local markets and bazaars as tracers in establishing metrics for the effectiveness of counterinsurgency strategies. He’s prepared a hundred slide PowerPoint brief for you.”

A nearby rotund man in a tweed jacket then extended a pudgy hand toward Mattis. A look of revulsion immediately spread across the General’s face, after which he sprang upon the wide-eyed sociology professor, hurling him against a wall and holding him there with his forearm pressed tightly against the visiting PhD’s throat. Mattis was in the process of drawing his pistol when he was restrained by CENTCOM deputy commander Vice Admiral Robert Harward, Command Sergeant Major Frank Grippe, and his own aide. After several other staff officers assisted in subduing the aging General, his brow gradually unfurrowed, and he apologized to all present.

“Guess I’m just getting old,” Mattis explained.

As he sits in his office hours later, Mattis reflects on how the years have passed by. “When you’re young, it’s nothing to sit through even a four hour meeting. You think ‘oh, I’m only thirty, I’ve got plenty of time left to spend killing the enemy’, or ‘it’s okay, this asshole wasting my time will get shit-canned if I just outlast him, and then I can get back into the field.’ But the hours turn into days, the days turn into weeks, then one day you look up and you’re sixty, still sitting in these goddamn meetings.”

Mattis speaks softly as he slowly grinds one of his knives across a whetstone.

“Eventually, you just have to accept that you’ve reached the limits of what you can do where you are, and it’s time to move on to the next obstacle.”

The upcoming generation of Marine Corps leadership has expressed eagerness to take up the slack left by Mattis’ departure. “We owe a debt to these old Marines,” says Lieutenant Colonel Skip ‘Waggles’ Wagner, the incoming commander of a Marine fighter attack squadron and recent graduate of the Marine Corps Command and Staff College, “but the fact of the matter is that they’re just not suited to the technological nature of product-driven warfare and modern counterinsurgency.”

General Mattis, who utilizes the radio callsign “Chaos”, has repeatedly denied that he has failed to adapt to new technologies, and remains the only living Marine to have killed enemy combatants with non-weapon programs of record, having slit the throat of a former member of the Fedayeen with a large fragment of a broken FEDLOG supply data CD, garroted a Fallujah insurgent with a length of CAT-5 cable being transported to an infantry battalion’s communications section, and exsanguinated a foreign fighter from Iran by making a “bone deep” cut down the length of his arm with a laminated cultural smart card bent to form a razor sharp edge.

After running 10 miles with an 80-pound rucksack, General Mattis sits down and takes a break

After running 10 miles with an 80-pound rucksack, General Mattis sits down and takes a break

Mattis admits that the third does not technically indicate a use of technological systems, but notes that he originally attempted to kill the man with a “Phrase-alator” translation device, which shattered after being used to stun the man with a series of softening blows. A planned attempt to crush the skull of a fourth with a “Command Post of the Future” computer was stopped when the general was halted by a civilian field service representative as he attempted to carry it out of a forward Combat Operations Center.

Regarding his plans for retirement, Mattis says he hopes to make more time for his neglected hobbies, which he describes as the study of history and the systematic hunting and killing of enemies “with my own two hands.”

“I’ve got a pretty good area picked out in the [Autonomous Tribal Area] on the border of Pakistan,” said Mattis. “I figure it should take a single well-trained squad of fine young men about a month to have the warlords under their thumbs, you know, as long as they don’t have a bunch of policies restraining them from befriending the people or killing the enemy. I intend to form and lead that squad.”

“Like Al Gray would do,” Mattis repeats, staring gravely out his office window at the setting sun.

While somewhat expected, the timing of Mattis’ retirement came as a surprise to some, including a few of his colleagues, including General John R. Allen, former CENTCOM deputy and current commander of United States Forces – Afghanistan (USFOR-A).

“Jim’s retiring?” asked Allen, seconds before being cornered by several high-ranking members of the International Security Assistance Force to discuss problems with a Memorandum of Understanding for the joint use of a British civilian curry trailer by Marine aviation personnel at Camp Bastion, immediately followed by a three hour discussion of whether an upcoming joint operation would be best described as mentoring, partnering with, or supporting the Afghan National Security Forces.

“Lucky bastard,” Allen added.


Marine Corps

Hero Pfc. spends entire enlistment at dental

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Marine Dental pfc

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A heroic private first class from the Second Marine Division was awarded the Silver Star this week after spending his entire enlistment at dental, sources say.

Sullivan was credited with “conspicuous endontistry in action against daunting dental readiness reports,” according to his award citation. After nearly three years in the unit, Pfc. Damon Sullivan managed to miss every single training event and deployment to have his teeth cleaned, capped, and crowned.

“Medical readiness comes first,” said his platoon sergeant Staff Sgt. Benny Gibson. “Pfc. Sullivan’s actions represent the pinnacle of the Marine Corps values of honor, courage, and commitment. There isn’t a Marine out here who has the dental health that he does.”

The citation states his battalion was facing a relentless assault of dental and annual training hit lists. On his own initiative, Sullivan bore the brunt of the attack, charging headlong into no less than 200 teeth cleanings and routine check-ups, often having multiple appointments in a single day.

“The ongoing wars throughout the Middle East and challenges from resurgent peer competitors can cause us to overlook the everyday heroics of men like Pfc. Sullivan,” said Marine Commandant Gen. Robert Neller. “Marines like him are out there grinding, day in and day out, to ensure our nation’s teeth don’t rot.”

“The only thing cleaner than his teeth is his honor,” Neller added.

At press time, Sullivan was forced to reschedule his award ceremony due to an appointment to have a filling replaced.

 

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Marine Corps

Marines send homemade cards, letters to Mattis on first Father’s Day apart

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WASHINGTON — Marines across the active and reserve force have sent letters and homemade cards to former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis for Father’s Day, sources confirmed today.

Officials confirmed they became aware of the card writing activity within the ranks when an unusual number of requests came in for construction paper, glitter glue, and puff paint from Marines worldwide.

Pentagon spokesman Daniel Hazelrig confirmed the DoD was both aware and supportive of the cards and characterized them as “absolutely heartbreaking.”

“The cards are cute but it really makes you feel for these young Marines,” said Hazelrig. “So many messages asking if it’s their fault, what they did wrong, and promising to be more lethal if Mattis will just come home. It really tugs at your heartstrings.”

Mattis resigned from his post in December of 2018 in a move which Pentagon officials at the time characterized as a “trial separation” and which Mattis explained to the Marine Corps as, “running out for a pack of smokes.”

Since then the retired general has moved out to California, rented an apartment and is currently spending a disconcerting amount of time hanging out with college students while claiming to be “living [his] best life.”

Members of the Corps explain that while they enjoy having two Christmases, it isn’t the same without Mattis around and affirmed their reluctance to call Acting Secretary Shanahan “Dad,” despite repeated requests from the president.

Units initiated the card writing campaign after a plot to have Mattis and the Pentagon both visit the border wall with Mexico and initiate something called “Operation Parent Trap” fell through.

Meanwhile, defense officials plan to allow the Marine Corps to spend the weekend sleeping over at the retired general’s home.

“Last time we were there he let us stay up late and watch Die Hard which was pretty awesome,” said one junior Marine.

According to one official, if the troops are good, Mattis intends to allow them to watch a VHS of Conan the Barbarian before bed which, multiple sources confirm, “totally has boobs in it.”

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Marine Corps

All Marines are rifleman first, according to Marine who is admin clerk second

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Making copies

WILMETTE, Ill – On Saturday evening, Private First Class Mark Vance told a collection of fellow New Trier High School graduates “Every Marine is a rifleman first.” Vance, whose primary Military Occupational Specialty is as an Admin Clerk—“not at all like a secretary,” according to Vance—spends virtually all day, every day typing.

Vance’s comments confused several partygoers, who were uncertain whether that meant Vance’s admin clerk duties were of secondary focus and if being a “rifleman first” had any impact on the young Marine’s actual schedule.

“I asked him what his job was and he said the rifleman thing from movies, but he didn’t really elaborate,” said Vance’s classmate Will Shields. “When I asked him what he meant, he said something about ‘lions not being concerned with the opinions of sheep’ and walked off.”

Sources confirm that Vance stood out among at the party thanks to his cargo shorts, tucked in Grunt Style t-shirt, dog tags worn over said shirt, and exceptionally pale skin characteristic of someone who lives his life under industrial fluorescent lighting.

Vance spoke at length about what it’s like to be a “living weapon” and to “know you can kill everyone in the room if you have to.” Since completing Marine basic training and earning his eagle, globe, and anchor, Vance has spent the majority of his time in the service handling admin actions as part of his unit’s S1 administrative division. Such actions include filing paperwork, filling out paperwork, taking calls, and not allowing his fellow Marines to sign out on leave.

Vance’s fellow Marines unit confirm that Vance’s training since leaving Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island has not included any specific courses in tracking enemy combatants across the desert, snapping a man’s neck like it was nothing, or something Vance vaguely referred to Saturday as “insane-o mode.”

Despite the “lean mean killing machine’s” apparent lack of formal training in advanced combatives and tactics, multiple party guests confirmed that Vance responded to a question asking if he had ever killed by saying “Not yet” completely without irony.

He then went on to explain that if he did deploy and if an ISIS fighter assaulted his forward operating base, and if said fighter were to make his way past the FOB’s outer defenses, and if they were to then fight through the other units on base, and if said terrorist were then to enter the Battalion Headquarters, and if they were to then make their way to the S1 shop, he would, “totally end that motherfucker.”

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Marines open remedial ‘Corporals Course for Staff Sergeants’

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Fuji Viper Corporal's Course
Photo Credit: U.S. Marine Corps

QUANTICO, Va.—Staff Sergeants looking to brush up on—or, honestly, learn—the fundamentals of their profession will have a brand new opportunity with the Marine Corps’ new remedial Corporals Course for Staff Sergeants (CCFSS), starting next month at Marine Corps University.

The course is aimed at Staff Sergeants who, for whatever reason, are unable to function at the minimum level of competency the Marine Corps expects of a Corporal.

CCFSS will feature an intensive ten week program focusing on the basics of leadership, drill, physical fitness, proper appearance, and any of the dozens of other core tasks most Marines learn during their several weeks at Corporals Course and then forget just as quickly.

“Over the last few years we’ve been seeing a growing number of overweight and under-motivated Staff Sergeants coming through our Career Course,” Maj. Gen. William Mullen, head of Training and Education Command, told Duffel Blog.

“These are Marines who‘ve been in for over a decade, yet they can’t make weight, follow simple instructions, or even keep themselves clean-shaven,” Mullen said. “We found we were spending too much of Career Course doing remedial programs for things they honestly should have learned in Recruit Training.’

According to Mullen the Marine Corps originally planned to just send designated Staff Sergeants back through Recruit Training, but several experimental classes never even checked in, and an investigation has still not uncovered where they spent those three months—or how they were all awarded Navy Achievement Medals.

While the Marine Corps has been able to remove substandard non-commissioned officers through time in service limitations, substandard staff non-commissioned officers have historically been allowed to served a full 20 years for retirement purposes.

The result is a large number of Marines categorized as “Lazy, Inefficient, Fat, and Expecting Retirement,” or LIFER.

Although the Marines began two separate programs in 2012 to convinced LIFERs to get out early—Voluntary Separation Pay and Temporary Early Retirement Authority—CCFSS is a recognition that there are still too many LIFERs in the ranks who just won’t get out.

Based on the overwhelmingly favorable response MCU has already been getting from Fleet units, Mullen said not to be surprised if in the coming years the program is expanded to include Corporals Course for Gunnery Sergeants, Corporals Course for Master Sergeants, and Corporals Course for Master Gunnery Sergeants.

See Also: Lance Corporals Course Honor Graduate Receives ‘Honorary NJP’

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Marine Corps

Helicopter parents won’t insert son at hot LZ

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CAMP DWYER, Afghanistan — A Marine infantryman scrambled to link up with his squad after his parents refused to insert him at a hot landing, sources confirmed today.

Pfc. Martin Sikorsky pushed out on a QRF mission for the ANA his unit is training when his parents became concerned about the state of the LZ.

“Martin knows the rules of our hangar. No screen time after 4 p.m., no driving over 45 knots and no firefights. I think any parent would agree I’m being reasonable,” Sirkorsky’s father, Huey, told reporters.

Huey’s wife Lakota looked up from the baby monitor she has in her cockpit with a live feed from a GoPro on Sikorsky’s chest rig.

“If Martin is having problems with the Taliban, all he has to do is give me a CAS 9-line, and I will speak to their mothers to get this sorted out,” Lakota said.

Sikorsky’s parents were going to allow him on the mission until they received word of an enemy RPK team in the northwest corner of the hasty LZ. Normally, they are fine with their son being exposed to medium machine gun fire. Although he is not vaccinated against 7.62, Huey and Lakota rely on a mix of essential oils to keep Sikorsky safe. However, since arriving in Afghanistan, they have been unable to find a Whole Foods that sells coconut and eucalyptus oil.

Sikorsky said he was heartbroken he could not insert with his guys and get in on the TIC. Like most 18-year-olds, he worries about the effects of his protective parents.

“How am I supposed to have a social life without my own CAR?” he said.

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New Marine Commandant to bring back rolled trousers

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WASHINGTON — The next Commandant of the Marine Corps has announced that the first policy he’ll instate when he takes the helm this summer is to bring back the beloved tradition of rolling trouser legs.

“From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli, Marines have proudly rolled their pantaloons on many a foreign shore,” said Lt. Gen. David Berger. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, ‘Sir, when will we go back to trousers up?’ Well, Marines, your leadership has listened. It’s high time to show off those calves.”

This isn’t the first time a long-standing Marine tradition has been cancelled, only to be brought back years later. In 2011, then-Commandant Gen. James Amos infamously got rid of rolled sleeves for the entire Corps. Amid complaints from the rank-and-file, he brought them back in 2014.

“Trousers up is clearly what sets us apart visually as Marines,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Ronald Green. “And now there will be no more skipping leg day. Any Marines who have been doing their squats and calf raises will welcome this change, I’m sure.”

Marines will be required to roll their trousers in the spring and summer months and will revert to “trousers down” in the winter.

“I remember during the Gulf War, if the Iraqis saw a flash of trouser cuff and shin they would instantly retreat,” said Berger. “If we’re going to win against near-peer competitors, that’s what we need to get back to.”

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Marine Corps

Make-A-Wish kid spends day as a Marine standing in line at the armory

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kid-armory

TWENTYNINE PALMS, California — When eight year-old Conrad Greeley found out his leukemia was terminal, his family immediately contacted the Make-A-Wish foundation since he always wanted to spend a day living out his childhood dream of joining the Marine Corps.

Luckily, Make-A-Wish came through, and on Tuesday, Conrad met up with 2nd Battalion, 7th Marine Regiment’s Easy Company at 0400 outside the armory. The company was drawing weapons to verify serial numbers for the third time that week.

As per his family’s request, the Marines treated Conrad just like any other Junior Enlisted Warrior, with Cpl. Sean Casey assigned as his team leader for the day. He took the boy under his wing immediately, officials said.

“I tried to teach him how to spin up a CASEVAC 9-line but he couldn’t figure it out,” Casey said. “At least his hair is in regs.”

At 0630, the armory gates opened and Marines flooded in. As the smallest and newest boot, Conrad dutifully assumed his place at the back of the line. At 1100, just as he was getting close to the window, the armorers cut for chow.

When they came back at 1300, Conrad was informed they couldn’t issue him a rifle because Gunny hadn’t signed his weapons cards. After standing by aimlessly until 1700 for his team leader to tell him what to do, it was time for Conrad to head home.

Conrad walked away from his short time in the Marine Corps with a new perspective on life.

“Today made me feel a lot better. I used to be sad I would never get to grow up and be a Marine. Now I’d rather just die.”

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Marine Corps

JLTVs deadlined due to faulty cassette deck

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QUANTICO, Va. — Brig. Gen. Arthur J. Pasagian, commander of Marine Corps Systems Command, announced today that all Joint Tactical Vehicles (JLTVs), the replacement for the Humvee, would be deadlined across the service after field testing revealed a dangerous defect with their cassette decks.

This decision comes after reports that cassette tape decks in new JLTVs were spontaneously combusting after three or four uses.

Oshkosh Defense, who holds the contract to make JLTVs, released a statement claiming that they “are not liable for this issue.”

“We wanted to equip the JLTV with an aux cord and Bluetooth technology, but the geniuses at DOD Acquisitions insisted we go with a tape deck because ‘that’s how the kids like to listen these days,’” the statement reads.

Lance Cpl. Conrad Gardner of 3rd Battalion, 7th Marines was injured in an incident with a JLTV’s tape deck.

“My driver and I were listening to some Raffi, because those are the only cassettes I own,” he drawled. “Then, out of nowhere, that cassette player just exploded in our faces. These vehicles are dangerous. I’d be safer flying in an Osprey.

The effects of downing so many JLTVs at once are being felt far beyond the motor pool and the decision makers in Quantico. Marines arriving at the 7th Regiment Command Post in Twentynine Palms today encountered a Jonestown-like scene. Dozens of staff officers were sprawled dead on the ground, unable to cope with the atrocious vehicle readiness numbers.

The JLTV program cost $23 billion, with a per unit sticker price of nearly $450,000.

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