Female Interrogators Want You To Stop Hitting On Them, It’s Getting Out Of Hand Now

Sierra Vista, AZ – From dealing with uncooperative detainees during interrogation to piecing together critical intelligence, military interrogators have experienced it all. But the experience for female interrogators is sometimes even tougher. Some have said they’ve had enough.

“Look, I know we’re supposed to be all about human behavior, but this is getting out of hand,” says SPC Holly McWhite, a 23 year-old 5’8” 36-24-36 blonde-haired, blue-eyed,  Human Intelligence (HUMINT) Collector with the 309th Military Intelligence Battalion.

McWhite expresses a common complaint of a female typically practicing the craft of a HUMINT professional: Male soldiers cannot apparently distinguish between illicitation from a female to a female “being into you”, as McWhite phrases it.

During exercises on elicitation and tactical source operations, McWhite struggles to contain her irritation. “When I ask for your contact information, I just really want to exploit your phone and email for other contacts. If I task you, I am not hitting on you! I am this close to punching someone in the dick! Either that or calling Equal Opportunity Office and file a complaint against…the unit. One of the two.”

McWhite knows she isn’t alone.

SGT Andrea Mueller, with the 519th Military Intelligence Battalion, reported similar problems during her deployment to Afghanistan. “It’s not like I don’t know detainees won’t gawk at me.  Those guys haven’t seen a female outside their respective eye slit, let alone one who’s going to address them as an equal. It’s culture shock. They have an excuse. The guys in my unit don’t.”

Mueller went on say that although she likes to handle this kind of trouble at the lowest level of the chain of command, it does not make it any easier. “It’s like the Army robbed them of social skills in an MOS where we specialize in having social skills.  I hope none these jokers gets hit on by foreign intelligence service (FIS). We’d be fucked!”

While McWhite echoed the sentiment, both she and Mueller want to be clear:  They don’t necessarily feel sexually harassed, but are more concerned about male soldiers falling under the spell of a FIS agent that is clearly out of their league.

“They won’t get that Natasha or Zarina aren’t really interested in listening to them drone on about how tough they have it until it’s too late. The smoking hot Russian or Persian model that just so happened to stumble into that meth laden hole-in-the-wall club in Sierra Vista really wasn’t out there for a good time.”

Aside from wanting to warn their fellow soldiers of potential “honey-traps”, their main complaint is still their male counterparts’ hormonal achilles heel.

“Who knows?”  Mueller says, shaking her head.  “Maybe it’s my fault for not being up front and telling them I’m really only into contractors. Or officers.”


Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.

6 Comments

  1. Even satire needs an editor…try “e l i c i t a t i o n,” not illicitation (whatever the fuck that is…). Well done, nonetheless.

  2. Why does every f-ing idiot seem to feel the need to point out that this is satire. Do you think some of the comments are coming from people who know it is satire and are playing along? Or do you think the site owners like the fact that people post comments? Man, way to ruin the party guys.

    • Excuse me Lance are you questioning the integrity of the Duffel Blog? You sir are an asshat, if I were in your presence I would challenge you to a duel…

One Ping

  1. Pingback:

Syrians Attempting To Show Off Their Amphibious Image

General Amos Asks Syrian Rebels To Move Conflict To Pacific

Every Male Soldier will pack this towards the top, for rapid deployment.

Fleshlights Issued To Male Soldiers In Bid To Decrease Combat Zone Pregnancies