CAMP BEUHRING, KUWAIT — The latest addition to the soldiers’ packing list for deployment will contain a unique item: a fleshlight. The toys to aid soldier “urges” comes after a study titled “Combat Zone Pregnancy Rates On The Rise” was released earlier this week.
According to the report from the Department of the Army, each female that gets pregnant on deployment costs the Army over $100,000 — in training, transport, and health care costs.
Leading the study was Lt. Col. George Frampton, who elaborated on the findings in a telephone interview.
“The situation is an absolute waste of taxpayers’ money, and we need to come up with a solution before we drive over the cliff,” he said.
Frampton estimates approximately $27,000,000 has been lost in the past year alone. The Lt. Col., not known to allow such disgrace under his command, has devised a campaign to stop combat zone pregnancies in their tracks.
Every soldier, male and female, will be briefed upon entrance to theater on the effects of their actions. But before males head to their forward bases, they will be provided a fleshlight, masturbation aid, and a one year supply of lubricant.
“This move will be controversial but its an absolute necessity. A secondary benefit of the new program will be less lines at the troop medical clinics,” Frampton explains. “Since combat has died down [in Iraq], more soldiers are finding different ways to occupy their time. Some go to the gym, some to the MWR, and some choose to ‘PT their little soldier’. Unfortunately, most soldiers do not realize that Axe body wash is not a lubricant.”
Frampton says the move is crucial to reduce the amount of “masturbation injuries.”
“Nearly ten percent of TMC visits by males are for ointments to alleviate the burn caused by the exfoliant used in this product. Ninety percent of these rashes are noted to be in and around the genitalia. The fleshlight that will now be issued upon entrance into theater should decrease these problems.”
Sergeant Daniel Barnes, stationed at Camp Beuhring, and father of two bastard war children from previous deployments, was ecstatic about the new initiative.
“This is clearly the best piece of regulation instituted since the introduction of walking profiles on the APFT. Seriously, have you seen these women? We are all much better off because of this campaign.”
Even though this campaign is still in its infancy, soldiers have already deemed Camp Beuhring the “Masturbation Station” of the Middle East.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.