BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN – Two months after the discovery that military forces in Bagram Air Base burned Korans and other holy material, Afghan protestors have initiated a new form of protest: burning bestselling American books and films. Instead of the earlier protests’ chants of “death to America”, they have taken up new tactics — which many feel are more effective.
An estimated 5,000 copies of the popular Twilight saga were piled into several heaps yesterday and set ablaze, while activists shouted new rallying cries. “Death to Bella” and “long live Harry Potter” were among the chants heard.
Upon hearing the news, Marine General John Allen, the top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan, was delighted. “Wow… I hate those books and movies too!” said Allen, as he broke his bearing like a nasty recruit.
The General, in an unprecedented move, left the base and joined protestors, after sneaking away from his security detail under the auspices of making a number-two head-call. CNN footage of protests showed Allen delightfully tearing books to shreds, and at one point screaming “Team Islam”. He also reportedly made several MRE bombs, instructing fellow protestors on their construction and distributing scores of leftover MRE boxes — mainly the disgusting flavors that no one likes.
When Gen. Allen’s security detail finally located him after approximately two hours, they had to take him back to the safety of base by force. When asked about the matter, one member of his security detail, Sgt. Edward Briton, simply said, “He usually takes pretty long dumps and reads his Cigar Aficionado magazines, so we didn’t really think anything of it until a little over an hour had passed. That’s when we began looking for him.”
Later that day, Allen issued a public statement on his Twitter account, detailing the happenings and defending his actions. “I’m not sorry for what I did, and given the chance, I would do it again. I think every red-blooded American can agree that we all detest the Twilight series, and that #HarryPotterRules” said Allen in his first tweet. He later tweeted that he feels his actions were a uniting force with the local Afghan people, and that it helped gain rapport with them and “win their hearts and minds, which has always been our aim in this country.” Regarding his successful ruse in slipping away unnoticed from the head, said Allen, “LMFCAO [Laughing My Fucking Cammies Off] they thought I was dropping a huge deuce, but I was really slippin away like a boss! #JamesBond.”
A source familiar with the matter reported that Allen is scheduled to enter peace talks with insurgents, and that his actions have been priceless in helping to ease tensions in the area after the Koran burning story broke.
Earlier this morning, President Obama weighed-in on the matter, praising Gen. Allen for his courage and announcing his intentions to award Allen a medal for bravery.
“His selfless actions, justified in both means and ends, has helped both the Afghani and American peoples.”
Obama concluded his address by announcing plans to withdraw all troops within the month, and called Tyler Lautner unpatriotic.