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Coast Guard Finally Shoots Something


NORTH BEND, OR — Many are confused by what the U.S. Coast Guard really is. Are they a security force, military branch, or something else? These questions are even more of an issue since the Coast Guard has never really shown their firepower — until now.

Earlier this week, a Coast Guard cutter opened fire on a derelict Japanese vessel floating at sea since last year; proving once and for all that they have real guns.

“Would you look at that?” Calmly exclaimed coastal resident Herman Holman. “I thought they were like, an ROTC or something.”

Mr. Holman is of course mistaken. After Thursday’s surprising discharge of actual munitions, the Coast Guard showed the world in no uncertain terms that they do more than just take old, discarded Navy stuff and paint it white.

A USCG C-130 was on station to photograph the uncustomary loading and firing of live rounds, thoroughly documenting the event. The commander of the Cutter, Captain Brian Kipch commented, “You guys shoulda been there, it was like Apocalypse Now.”

CAPT Kipch is well known in Coast Guard circles for editing regulation 432.3, stipulating how many observers must be on board a recreational water craft while towing a skier. For his thorough edits, he was awarded a commendation medal.

When asked if the public can expect more genuine applications of military style weaponry, CAPT Kipch responded “It was so loud, like crazy loud…  Just one second. Hey you! You call that a goddamn life vest? Let me see the certification date on that!”

Kipch was clearly distracted and had to take care of pressing business on the high seas.

“Hey look, I can’t talk any more about this. I’ve got a bunch of undisciplined power-boat cowboys out here,” he said. “Not happening. Not on my watch.”

The press conference was abruptly concluded when CAPT Kipch confronted, inspected, and cited a local family whose life preservers were apparently not USCG compliant. He was also seen making radio contact with a fisherman brazenly defying the law and fishing without a license.

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  1. Actually the Coast Guard Cutter Taney fired the first shots at the Japanese during the attack on Pearl Harbor. And look up Signalman 1st Class Douglas Munro. He saved hundreds of Marines at Guadacanal. Whoever wrote this article needs to research Coast Guard history.

    • @ Jeffcoat. It’s satire. Satirical articles needn’t be propped up with mounds of research. They just need to be funny…

  2. “You smell that? You smell that? Diesel son, nothing else in the world smells like that – I love a crisp, refreshing whiff of Diesel in the morning, it smells like – fueling . . .”

    • It was Avation Gas on the 83523 – what a smell – ring the bell sound the siren were off on another SAR in the Straits of Georga.

  3. I never fired a service weapon after boot cam, but I spent quite a few years climbing into helicopters and flying off into dark and stormy Kodiak nights with other USCG aviators. Does that count for anything?

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