Grizzly Bear Wanders Into Unlocked Recruiting Office, Joins Navy

MARYSVILLE, WA — It’s not every day that a grizzly bear is spotted — let alone inside a Navy recruiting station. Six weeks ago, Police received a call regarding a break-in at a local Naval RSS. The Petty Officer in charge of the office believed he had locked the front door, but had apparently left it propped slightly open, and a large American Grizzly Bear helped himself to the station’s hospitality.

Recruiter Petty Officer First Class Antoine Hopkins tells the story:

“I heard something behind me as I was stacking brochures, and I turned around and just thought ‘Oh my God, I’m going to die.’ But luckily, the intense training they gave me as a recruiter kicked in. I calmly sat down at my desk so as not to startle him, and began a short presentation on the history of the U.S. Navy. The bear sat down and started to listen intently, so I began to move on to benefits and he loved it! I learned that his name was Eugene S. Bear and he signed into the Delayed Entry program right away.”

Petty Officer Hopkins tapped his chin thoughtfully and added, “He had really good penmanship. I remember he had a surprisingly neat signature.”

Representatives from the Navy report that Seaman Recruit E. Bear has started preliminary training at Naval Station Great Lakes Recruit Training Command. He is continuing to excel and his superiors believe he will graduate among the top of his entire battalion. Duffel Blog got in touch with some personnel who have watched him progress through training.

“At first I was kind of shocked to see a grizzly bear in my medical office,” said Hospitalman 2nd Class Miranda Clarkson. “I mean, they’re such a tiny minority in terms of the recruits we normally see here. I was scared at first, but he was really well-behaved, and pretended he didn’t even notice when I gave him his shots.”

Food habits have also been unusual for Recruit Bear. Recruit Division Commanders (RDC) have sternly rejected a proposal to stock and serve live salmon every day. Drill was an issue due to his space-consuming quadrupedal stance, but Instructors remedied this by promoting him to Company Guide.

“He was destined to be at the front of the formation,” one of his Instructors told us. “He is an absolute PT beast. His run times make these other punks look like they’re swimming against the current. They may as well be playing dead.”

Despite some problems, training is progressing smoothly. One staff member in the medical facility did say there have been some problems with other recruits. She spoke on condition of anonymity.

“I actually treated three recruits who had gone against him in knife hand contests. Two of them didn’t make it through the first night, but the third is in stable condition. We expect him to return to training, but there is no way his pink fleshy hands will ever rival Recruit Bear’s built-in weapons of mass destruction. Not a chance.”

The Navy RTC has also observed Bear’s techniques and decided that now a new move called “Knife Teeth” will be expected of all their human recruits. “After seeing the devastation Recruit Bear inflicted upon his training partners,” said Admiral Hunter Shaw, “we knew we needed every sailor to have similar techniques in order to raise our fighting capacity. We fully expect every recruit to sharpen up their teeth in preparation for the new graduation ceremony, which will incorporate roaring and tooth-baring.”

Eugene Bear is expected to graduate recruit training in mid-June of this year.


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12 Comments

  1. I don’t know what’s more disturbing, that he was smart enough to get into the Navy, or the entry qualifications are that low? Every bear that enters is just another sailor without a job. Is this the future of our armed forces?

  2. Same bear that they were …. Awwww poor bear, joined da navy & got attacked by a marine in another epic DB Double Pointer! Nutton But Net!! Poor bear Jist ain’t fair. Heard he’s got this uncle works for da Feds. Yeah, they say he’s some kinda tree hugger. Yup, name? Smoky why?

  3. “…recruits who had gone against him in knife hand contests.”

    Thanks for that; I blew snot out of my nose and I have to just sit here at work and hold in the laughter, just tears forming and my ab is cramping up.

  4. This is just a first step for the end of segregation of bears in this society. It’s a very important step though. This is the future. We hope that other branches will also open up to bears. Though, I’ve heard that the Air Force isn’t too happy about it as they have this erroneous belief that the fur may be an issue for their jet engines. That’s just silly. Bears can be pilots too. Maybe the Air Force just isn’t ready for this yet.

    Also, we are looking forward to the first bear to enter Annapolis.

    • So did you ever fuck up that Goldilocks bitch for eating you porridge, breaking your chair, and sleeping in your bed?

      • It has been confirmed via personal correspondence that Seaman Apprentice Bear’s past relationship with Goldilocks ended during recruit training with a Dear Bear letter.

    • If he can go to Annapolis, I bet he could play running back. If they did football scholarships, he would be a shoe in.

  5. With articles like these, can there really be people who think the others are real?

    • Let me put it this way. Yesterday, when I had a day with my parents, my mother told me a story of the young couple owning the garden next to theirs. Now, you know it’s June now, right? Almost July. And the woman of that couple, who is younger than me, in her 20s, asked my mother “Are there already bees?”

      So yeah. There are people taking this seriously.

    • Not if that smelly beast can’t hold up his grooming standards. Unless he can grow a chiefstache. Then anchors are guaranteed.

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