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Duffel Blog Writers Launch Surprise Air Assault On Onion News Network



NEW YORK, NY – Late last night the Onion News Network editorial offices were rocked by a surprise attack from masked gunmen assaulting from helicopters. Witnesses reported two UH-60 Blackhawks hovering over the building with approximately fifteen personnel fast roping down, sweeping the building, kicking in doors, and clearing room to room.

Jim Thomas, an insurance broker who works at a building across from The Onion, was working late and saw the series of events unfold.

“It was unreal. I saw the helicopters and thought it was just a military exercise or something. Then some guys jumped out. Next thing I knew they were in the building and I saw flashes from guns and grenades.”

He continued, “People started screaming and running around but everywhere they went, there was another gunman there. It’s like they were trained to do this type of thing. The police showed up within minutes, but by the time they got to The Onion offices, the gunmen had already jumped from the building into the waiting helicopters. I don’t know why they did it, but at the end they threw a green duffel bag out of the window down to the street.”

NYPD policeman SGT Trent Bingham commented on the aftermath of the scene. “These guys knew what they were doing. They moved deliberately throughout the offices with precision. I don’t know where they could learn this sort of thing — they sure didn’t teach us any of that stuff in the academy.”

In a press conference, New York City Police Chief Martin McDougal informed reporters of the carnage. “No one was left standing. As far as the duffel bag, it was full of red smoke grenades and leaflets that spread to the ground when it was dropped. The leaflets said ‘The Onion is the civilian version of the Duffel Blog.’ We’re not sure exactly what this means, but we’re investigating.”

Duffel Blog’s creator, a shadowy individual who only goes by “Paul”, released a brief statement to Stars & Stripes and This Ain’t Hell regarding the events.

“Duffel Blog doesn’t get compared to other groups, other groups get compared to the Duffel Blog. Enough said.”

Air Force

Trump signs executive order putting Chik-fil-A on every military base




WASHINGTON — President Trump has signed an executive order that would put Chik-fil-A restaurants on all U.S. military bases, sources confirmed today.

The order, which comes on the heels of a recent petition for Chik-fil-A to bring its restaurants to military bases, states that the franchise would “bring real American service and chicken to those who really serve America and aren’t chickens.”

“Real Americans eat real American food, and real Americans who serve deserve real American service,” Trump said after signing the order in the Oval Office, where he was surrounded by service-members, poultry lobbyists, and a Holstein cow holding a sign that said, “eat more chikin.”

The move has garnered widespread support from troops, although it was sharply criticized by LGBTQ groups and others who refuse to put politics aside and enjoy the best goddamn chicken sandwich ever made.

“Chik-fil-A represents a creepy invasion of our democracy that must be stopped,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.). “Any establishment that closes its doors in recognition of their religion is anathema to American values,” he added during an interview Saturday outside a shuttered New York deli, noting the restaurant chain’s practice of closing on Sundays.

“Furthermore, I will ensure our brave troops at stations like West Point and Fort Drum are not subject to the oppressive hate crimes of a reasonably priced fast-food restaurant that serves delicious quality food the whole family can enjoy.”

Still, the restaurant hailed Trump’s decision, which would give it access to bases in the continental U.S. and abroad. A spokesman said Chik-fil-A planned to open its restaurants first at major Air Force, Navy, and Army bases, while adding that if there was any left over, it might open a hand-me-down restaurant at one or two of the major Marine Corps bases.

“Just definitely not at 29 Palms,” the spokesman said.

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The Duffel Blog Needs Your Support



US Army training

We’re not a huge media company with corporate backing. We’re a website run out of a tiny home office by one guy with a bunch of contributors who don’t get paid (did we mention we don’t have corporate backing?).

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Happy Independence Day From The Duffel Blog




Hey, we’re lazy today. We’re celebrating our freedom, and ‘Merican-ness. You should do the same.

So there’s no story today, but if you really want one, flashback to this one and enjoy: American Suicide Bombers Attack Taliban Office In Qatar

Show off some motivating (or demotivating) photos in the comments. — Duffel Blog

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Wikileaks Releases Shocking Transcripts Of Duffel Blog Writer’s Conference




Drunk Guy

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN – Editors of the popular military news website Duffel Blog reacted with anger today after Wikileaks released records, photos, and the minutes of TDB meetings to multiple news outlets.

The released file, “Drunk men in their pajamas making fun of people with difficult jobs.docx,” revealed embarrassing internal details of the writing and editing process of TDB articles.

[Begin Excerpt]

11:10 AM. Paul enters the boardroom visibly drunk. Drew says he is late. Paul says “Fuck yourself, this is my website, I can do whatever the fuck I want. Make sure you log out of the Duffel Blog page so it stops saying ‘Duffel Blog likes this!’”

“Actually,” Drew said, “I don’t have access to the Facebook page.”

“Actually you’re a little bitch,”  Paul said.

11:15 AM. Meeting begins. Sgt B called the meeting to order, saying “First things first, we had two cases [of beer] left over from last time, G-Had was going to hold onto them. Where are they?”

“Uhh, I misplaced them,” G-Had replies.  “Anyone have any good ideas?”

“Glow belts,” Stormtrooper said.

“We haven’t made fun of the SEALs for about two or three days,” Dirty said.

“Has it been that long?” Army J asked.  “Get on that.”

11:45 AM. “I just got an email,” Paul said. “OMG Duffelblog you guys are so funny! Publish my article ‘Navy r Faggits!’”

“Tell him we don’t do true stories,” John Mittle said.

“I disagree,” Ron said before returning to his pile of impossibly hot women.

12:10 PM. The writers discuss their favorite porn stars.

12:30 PM.  “Hey,” Army Dave said, “Did you hear about the Marine at Lejeune who got caught fucking dogs?”

“That’s a great idea!” Dark Laughter said.  “Is that an article you’re working on?”

“Uh, no,” Army Dave said.  “That actually happened.”

“Damn,” Dark Laughter said.  “How are we going to top that?”

1:00 PM.  “Oh sweet,” Jack Mandaville said.  “Check out the comments on my article, I got six people to fall for it.

“Wow,” Drew said, “That’s a lot.”

1:15 PM.  “Listen to this,” Paul said, looking at his laptop.  “I just got this email.  ‘Hi Duffel Blog, I’m a Vietnam veteran and I just found your site.  I haven’t laughed this hard in years.  You guys are awesome, keep up the good work.’”

The writers give a hearty cheer and raised their glasses to celebrate a job well done.

[End Excerpt]

The leaked documents include more transcripts of writer meetings, passwords, and photos showing various writers funneling beers, drinking shots, and drawing dicks on the faces of writers who had apparently passed out.

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The Duffel Blog Editorial Board Endorses Charles Lincoln Boatright For President



Charles Lincoln Boatright

Making the choice for who should lead the greatest nation on Earth should never be taken lightly. An informed voter should always conduct their due diligence on candidates, learn from the made-up facts and blatant lies in various political ads, and wait for Duffel Blog editorial board’s endorsement of a candidate before making their decision.

And so that time has come — albeit a little late — but not so as to render a huge voting bloc incapable of making a crucial choice. America is at a crossroads. As is said every four years by everyone on both sides of the political aisle, this is the most important election in our lifetimes, and it is no less true than it was in 2004, 2008, or it will be in 2016.

America needs a capable leader who can take us through tumultuous times. We need a President who will stand up for the average man as well as project power on the world stage. As we look across the political spectrum, many will find that this is an impossible person to find. We disagree.

And so this is why Duffel Blog endorses Charles “Chaz” Lincoln Boatright for President.

Charles Boatright is a no-holds barred fighter for the American people. He is a U.S. Marine veteran who is running after being overcome with frustration at the current political system. More than any other candidate, his campaign is the closest to the spirit of the Duffel Blog. Some of the things he says could have come right off the pages of TDB.

You can see this clearly on the main page of his website, where his biography begins, “First Read The Postings; Do Not Comment Unless You Know What You Are Reading… Seriously, America, Read First, Post Later.”

Chaz lays out an extensive platform for restoring America to greatness. As if he is an avid reader and commenter of the Duffel Blog, Chaz embodies the very spirit of our newspaper and our editorial staff. On the economy, he speaks plainly, saying “I want it better and I want more jobs!”, a sentiment of which it is impossible to disagree. Other points of his platform that we wholeheartedly endorse:

  • Tax Reform: “We Need Comprehensive Tax Reform! Well No Crap…,” says Chaz on his website. “That’s Why I Would Use Romney’s Model, But Not Romney’s Back Door Dealings… If I’m Elected, There Will Be No Behind The Door Anything!”
  • Energy: “I Want It Green And I Want It Mean!”
  • Foreign Policy: “Oh, Complicated One Here… I Know I Know! Peace!? No Shit. But We Can Establish It If We Rise To Challenges Who Threaten Other Living Beings On Earth!”
  • Education: “Education Is My #1 Priority; It Affects The Globe Ladies And Gentlemen. Our Society Is Behind Intellectually; We Have To Stop Crying About It And Do Something! Yeah… Exactly.”
  • Women’s Health: “But Since I Know You Want To Hear Me Say It… Abortion: First Of All, This Is The Most Fucking Ridiculous Political Pile Of Garbage On Earth.”

The inevitable naysayers who will oppose our endorsement of Chaz will say that he is a vote-stealer, or has no shot at winning the Presidency.

This is patently absurd. Chaz has the guts, the know-how, and the endorsement of the greatest military news source on the planet behind him. Now that he has received our complete and cheerful endorsement of his rightful ascent to the Presidency, we expect you, dear reader, to vote for the best man for the job: Chaz Boatright.

If you fail to do so, our country will go straight to hell, and as Chaz says on his website, “I Have A Feeling It’s Going To Get Hairy… Really Fast!”

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Duffel Blog Readers Confused, Angered By Non-Humorous Article




THE INTERNET – A group of Duffel Blog readers voiced their confusion and anger today over the Duffel Blog’s latest article, “My Dick Is So Big And My CO’s A Fag.”

The article, written by new contributor “Awesomus Maxiumus 69”, appeared on the Duffel Blog’s Facebook page around 0900 this morning, and within two hours had generated over 314 angry responses.

“OK, I know you guys can’t bat .1000, but seriously, don’t just publish everything you find,” complained reader Rich Adams.

“When the article said how the CO held a formation to inform his troops that he was ‘a cock-gobbling ass pirate’ I wasn’t laughing. I was cringing. A real CO would never do that. A real CO would delegate that kind of announcement to his Executive Officer. It’s little mistakes like that which just ruin the piece.”

Other readers, like Jason Souslee, said that it read like a stream-of-conscious posting with no actual literary value.

“This is just a page of pure crap: it has no theme, the spelling and grammar are horrible, and who exactly is Senior Airmen Michael Williams and why does he suck shit through a straw?”

“Around halfway through, the article stops and doesn’t even follow it’s own storyline anymore. It just turns into an anti-Semitic invective against the writer’s CO and ‘Jew Mexico’, whatever that means.”

As usual, several readers somehow managed to take the article literally.

“I think it’s very brave for an Airman to have the courage to tell his men that he is ‘so fucking queer for cancelling libbo’,” said Brian Handy. “He should get a medal!”

“I’m very concerned about an entire unit where all the officers sit around shoving pencils up each others ass every day,”  said Michelle Linch.  “That could lead to an infection. Seriously, where is their medic?”

Duffel Blog creator Paul said he had done what he could to fix the article.

“At least I got him to remove his last line, ‘I FUCKING HATE ALL OF THEM AND WISH THEY WOULD FUCKING DIE LOLZ ROTFLMAO’, on the grounds that it had nothing to do with either his dick being big or his CO being a fag.”

Paul was unsure how the negative reception would impact tomorrow’s article by Awesomus, which the author titled “All Women In Uniform Are Cock-Sucking Whores”.

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Military Times Releases ‘Hit Piece’ Against Duffel Blog, Calls Stories ‘Fake’



The Cover of the Navy Times, which says TDB is 'fake military news'
The Cover of the Navy Times, which says TDB is 'fake military news'

WASHINGTON — Senior editors and contributors to the popular military news website Duffel Blog were outraged today after learning of a recent “hit piece” released by Military Times.

The story, which is portrayed as an exposé of the Duffel Blog website, was released this week to all Military Times publications, including Marine, Army, Navy, and Air Force Times.

The author of the story was Gina Harkins, Staff Writer for the Marine Times.

“I absolutely cannot believe the levels that Military Times will go to try to marginalize our news organization,” said Duffel Blog founder Paul Szoldra. “We are the #1 military news organization in the world. I have always said that we would take on and beat Mil-Times and Stars & Stripes.”

“The jealousy in their newsrooms is quite obvious,” he added.

The story begins by saying Szoldra is a “former Marine infantryman [who] runs a fake military news website.”

Contributing editor SGT B said that this is clearly a case of anger over the high standards of quality, journalistic integrity, and the exclusive, breaking stories that Duffel Blog always provides.

“The article talks about our exclusive story on Colonel Richoux banning chairs at MacDill Air Force base as if it were a joke,” said SGT B, who is currently on assignment in Afghanistan. “Tell that to the airmen who are currently without goddamn chairs in their office at MacDill. Ask them if it’s a joke!”

One reader of Duffel Blog, who is a self-described “Duffel Blog News Junkie” and avid commenter, took to Facebook to voice his concerns.

“I first learned of DB when they broke the exclusive about Vietnam Vets outraged over the USS Jane Fonda,” said Ron Johnson. “I immediately took to the comments and told the world that Jane Fonda was a communist whore, then I became a fan for life.”

“This type of slander against a legitimate and important news organization is really uncalled for.”

While many readers of the Military Times newspapers may find themselves confused by the story, Szoldra believes that eventually “the truth will win the day.”

“I think that the real people who enjoy the news that we provide know that we are the absolute best,” said Szoldra. “I mean, really, these people [Military Times reporters] probably sit in their cushy offices in D.C. wearing Tapout gear, which as you know, the DoD has already banned for all military personnel.”

Szoldra continued: “It just goes to show you how disconnected these so-called ‘military reporters’ really are from their audience.”

The Duffel Blog legal team, led by Barracks Lawyer Private First Class Evan Rodriguez, is exploring the possibility of a $20 million lawsuit against The Times over allegations of slander, libel, emotional distress, sexual harassment, and the wrongful death of our beloved kitten, Mittens, who committed suicide due to the stress the article caused him.

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Happy Birthday ‘Merica



Happy Birthday U.S.A. You’re 236 and looking good. Now, go read the Declaration of Independence and then get yourself a beer. Thanks for being a fan of The Duffel — we’ll see you again tomorrow.

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