New DoD Language Regulation Bans ‘Indecent Language’, Soldiers Fucking Pissed

Angry Soldier

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Military recruit training is known for changing the way servicemembers walk, talk, eat, and sleep, but all have not been equally enforced. Today however, the element of “talk” comes under increased scrutiny as the Department of Defense released new plans to set a military-wide language usage standard.

The guidance from the Pentagon is for all branches to form doctrines of language use within the next six months. They left room to maneuver for each service, but there was one thing they were dead set on being standard across the board: No usage of profanity.

Profanity has been against regulations under General Article 134 for some time already, but has rarely seen troops held to the standard. Today’s change means the penalty for using “indecent language” is mandatory reduction in rank — and possible termination from service.

“We have been moving our way to a kinder and more professional military for some time now. Making ourselves into a good role model for the kids of this nation and to the world. This just seems like the next logical step,” said General Arnold Fucke, head of the Chaplain Corps. “The use of curse words has no place in the military. We should aspire to be better all around as soldiers and as people. I don’t see any reason why you need to curse to get that done.”

Beyond the loss of words considered profane, the military is also taking steps to ensure greater understanding of “military speak”.

All branches will be required to issue troops a “smart book” of common acronyms they may hear during their time in service. The books will mean extensive research of the estimated 6.2 million acronyms across the force in common usage. Meant to demystify obscure terminology, the ambitious $2.4 billion research and development proposal will outline such phrases as CEXC [Combined Explosives Exploitation Cell] to MANCOC [Maneuver Advanced Non-Commissioned Officer Course].

Most soldiers expressed disappointment over the profanity regulation.

“Are you fucking serious?” was a common refrain. Others were even more outraged.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” says First Sergeant Richard Pounder. “I can’t fucking cuss? The rest of my fucking NCO’s can’t fucking cuss? I can’t even begin to fucking imagine a fucking NCO corps that tries not to fucking cuss.”

“How the hell are we going to get our fucking points across to PVT Kenny J. Suckadick or all the rest of his little fucktard buddies if we can’t cuss? How the hell else are they going to know that we’re fucking serious, or fucking mad, or want it done right fucking now? This is bullshit!….. Wait a minute. Did I just fucking make myself an E-1?”

Some have said that they may try to tell General Fucke off, stating that this is a violation of a constitutional right to freedom of speech.

When asked whether soldiers were being robbed of the very rights they were fighting for, General Fucke was annoyed.

“Go to hell goddammit. This interview is over.”


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20 Comments

  1. There are enough regulations that determine the actions of our servicemen. This regulation is ridiculous. At any time, a commanding officer can take hold of a situation that is getting out of control and threaten the soldier with conduct unbecoming. This is just another piece of political garbage. I have always used colorful language, or not used it, as the situation dictates. Further more, I say words like shit because I’m just too damn old to say doo doo.

  2. What really pisses me off is all the foul fucking language around here. Satire is the boss. This is the best site on the Web, and fuck anybody who doesn’t fucking get it, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuckfuckfuck…

    • @Michael…..you fucking summed that up in a succint motherfucking statement that should be fucking commended. Well fucking done!

  3. “You can’t run an army without profanity; and it has to be eloquent profanity. An army without profanity couldn’t fight its way out of a piss-soaked paper bag. … As for the types of comments I make, sometimes I just, By God, get carried away with my own eloquence.”

    Remark to his nephew about his copious profanity, quoted in “The Unknown Patton” (1983) by Charles M. Province, p. 184

  4. As I just commented at The Donovan’s blog, the only commander in the history of the world who was able to keep an entire army from cussin’ and swearin’ was Joan of Arc, and that was one of the miracles cited which got her an official sainthood. I do agree that bad language should be used sparingly, for fuck’s sake. Other wise its awesome fucking power is diluted by too much Goddamned familiarity.

  5. This is fucking hilaroius. What’s more funny is when people whine about satire articles. Grow up you sloppy vaginas.

  6. I know! I think if you can’t motivate your soldiers without cussing at them, that is the sign of a weak NCO.

  7. I personally love the idea. It shows a lack of intellegence if you can’t come up with other, more appropriate, less offensive words to get your point across.

    • And this comment right here is why the Army has turned into a bunch of pussies. Bet you are a real “winner” eh?

    • Now SGT, we all know that ‘harsh language’ is a reasonable use of force given restrictive rules of engagement . . . and of course, if we use shrill, unpleasant vocal intonations, and foreign profanity (foreign both to us and to who we are speaking to), not only will we not be understood, but the ensuing confusion will allow us to ‘sieze the initiative’ (that’s a buzz-phrase from the ‘principles of war’ as I too worship at the altar of dead karl) . . .PSYOPS – its a mindfield . . .

    • ALRIGHT YOU GAGGLE OF SOUP SANDWICHES! YOU’D BEST PULL YOUR HEAD OUTTA YOUR FOURTH POINT OF CONTACT OR I WILL FRONT BACK GO YOU UNTIL YOUR EYES BLEED!!! NOW BEAT YOUR FACE!!! Hows that for non-cussing motivation? Lol

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