Washington, D.C. – Top military officials met with the President this week to discuss actions and further sanctions against North Korea. The meetings come after the latest international media frenzy out of Pyongyang: the launch of a rubber ducky into the Sea of Japan.
“It’s about the size of a baseball, it’s yellow, and it’s adorable,” said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta. “I don’t know how Korea got a hold of materials of this caliber, but the United States will not stand for it.”
Top leadership quietly voiced their agreement with the statements during the address. He continued, “We have talked directly with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, but he is pointedly avoiding questions regarding the destructive potential of the ducky.”
Leaders in Asiatic nations expressed similar concern, and were quick to make an ultimatum. Japanese Minister of Defense Naoki Tanaka, had this to say: “We are aware of the recent launch into waters which divide our nation and Korea. If North Korean personnel do not wade out to retrieve this object, we will seriously not hesitate to blow the shit out of Pyongyang.”
Commandant of the Marine Corps General James F. Amos told reporters that he thought the Japanese terms were “fucking sweet,” and that he believes talks with North Korea will “hopefully not happen, so we can finally be done with their shit.”
The incredibly cute bathtub toy has been spotted floating almost a quarter-mile off the Eastern coast of North Korea. Experts described its trajectory as “delicately bobbing and weaving in whatever the fuck direction it wants to go.” Analysts are predicting that at its current rate it will likely end up reaching the shores of Japan in approximately twelve years, but is equally likely to be eaten by a fish or other water-dwelling creature, and civilians should not be afraid for their lives even though some injuries may occur. Opponents of this theory point out that the unpredictability is the primary source of danger.
Navy Captain Shawn Irwin of the USS George Washington, based in Sasebo, Japan, is one of those opponents. “I think the American people are missing the point,” said Irwin. “Do you know how hard it is to target a small vessel a hundred miles away and fire accurately? There are wind speeds, air currents, trajectory and ballistics… a ton of calculations and values to consider. Now imagine that vessel is playfully splashing about like a child in a mud puddle. It’s damn near impossible to hit, and even if we did, it would probably gently float back up to the surface of the water. The North Korean military leadership is certainly getting very crafty these days.”
Flotation experts are currently working out how much C4 Korean scientists could have fit in the rubber ducky without sacrificing its jovial, buoyant nature. Meanwhile, the White House has hired expert boatswains to determine whether or not the ducky could have been outfitted with a rudder and engines.
One top-level expert, Marcus Lebowski, has been poring over satellite images for the past 18 hours, and has a conflicted view on the topic. “It isn’t very likely,” he admits. “A standard ship rudder weighs a few tons, and ship engines can be up to several thousand times that. I just can’t seem to figure out how a small, bird-shaped flotation device could support that sort of weight.”
But he does admit, with some fear, that nothing is impossible. “I mean, Korea wouldn’t embark on this sort of project without thorough analysis beforehand. Maybe they’re onto something we haven’t touched on yet.”
South Korean Intelligence has offered its support to the White House and is currently trying to identify the exact phylum, class, and species of the irresistible, possibly weaponized waterfowl. An anonymous source inside Seoul said, “The sub-species of the rubber duckling is very important here. It could determine its swimming speed, diet, mating habits… all kinds of relevant information.”
So far, an estimated 16 billion dollars have been spent on intelligence collection since the yellow, polyurethane device first touched the water.
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