STURGEON BAY, WI – A Coast Guardsman was taken away from his barracks room in handcuffs today in what their Public Affairs Office has deemed a “bitter irony.” After rousing suspicions of the military police, Seaman Apprentice Jay Kwan was apprehended for engaging in music and video piracy.
Commanding Officer Captain Matthew Sibley was mortified over the his conduct.
“This is the single most embarrassing thing our small station has endured. To think that one of our main missions in the Coast Guard is to protect America from piracy… it’s tough to imagine we had such a notorious leader in the pirate movement right in our own ranks.”
Evidence collected so far indicates that Kwan had burned and sold over 11,300 DVDs and CDs full of movies, music, and video games in his career — making him the most prolific (and only) pirate the Coast Guard has ever apprehended. But this isn’t the first time the Coast Guardsman has been in trouble. In his fourth year of enlistment he was charged, and his rank stripped, for painting graffiti which read “FUCK DA POLICE [sic]” on one of the Station’s four vessels.
“It really surprised me,” said roommate Seaman Apprentice Jon Foley. “He was a small nerdy guy. I’m not sure what sort of inner demons caused that anger. He used to say he wished he had joined the ‘real service’ but I’m not sure what he meant.”
Upon investigation of Kwan’s barracks room, officials found stacks of blank DVDs, two desktop computers with four DVD drives each, and a wall poster with a cartoon depiction of Blackbeard with “My Hero” scrawled across the bottom. There was also a hidden stash of Mountain Dew in the perpetrator’s wall locker. The stash was believed to be stolen from the command soda mess.
The lead investigator, Chief Petty Officer Marcus Craig, was happy that the pirate was apprehended.
“Now, to the untrained eye this might not seem like much evidence and we don’t blame his roommate for not catching the odd behavior. But believe me on this, the things we found in this room are very likely to be things in the possession of a modern pirate.”
CPO Craig admits he doesn’t have very much experience in this sort of investigation, despite 18 years in the Coast Guard service. “Well in a place like this, there isn’t much need for investigations of any sort. Except for maybe where the leftover fried chicken went,” he laughed. “But it’s pretty obvious when you see how much weight my wife has gained lately.”
With the Court Martial proceedings drawing ever closer, the Officer In Charge of the MPs responsible for the arrest brought attention to their excellent training.
“We only have three MPs on this station including myself, but when we’re not patrolling the parking lot in the cruiser, we spend endless hours studying every single episode of NCIS, JAG, and Scooby Doo on our big screen TV,” he said, indicating the stack of unmarked DVDs on his desk. “Seaman Apprentice Kwan actually hooked us up with these for a great price. It’s sad to see he was dirty all along.”
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