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Bitter Irony For Coast Guard, Seaman Apprentice Arrested For Piracy

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STURGEON BAY, WI – A Coast Guardsman was taken away from his barracks room in handcuffs today in what their Public Affairs Office has deemed a “bitter irony.” After rousing suspicions of the military police, Seaman Apprentice Jay Kwan was apprehended for engaging in music and video piracy.

Commanding Officer Captain Matthew Sibley was mortified over the his conduct.

“This is the single most embarrassing thing our small station has endured. To think that one of our main missions in the Coast Guard is to protect America from piracy… it’s tough to imagine we had such a notorious leader in the pirate movement right in our own ranks.”

Evidence collected so far indicates that Kwan had burned and sold over 11,300 DVDs and CDs full of movies, music, and video games in his career — making him the most prolific (and only) pirate the Coast Guard has ever apprehended. But this isn’t the first time the Coast Guardsman has been in trouble. In his fourth year of enlistment he was charged, and his rank stripped, for painting graffiti which read “FUCK DA POLICE [sic]” on one of the Station’s four vessels.

“It really surprised me,” said roommate Seaman Apprentice Jon Foley. “He was a small nerdy guy. I’m not sure what sort of inner demons caused that anger. He used to say he wished he had joined the ‘real service’ but I’m not sure what he meant.”

Upon investigation of Kwan’s barracks room, officials found stacks of blank DVDs, two desktop computers with four DVD drives each, and a wall poster with a cartoon depiction of Blackbeard with “My Hero” scrawled across the bottom. There was also a hidden stash of Mountain Dew in the perpetrator’s wall locker. The stash was believed to be stolen from the command soda mess.

The lead investigator, Chief Petty Officer Marcus Craig, was happy that the pirate was apprehended.

“Now, to the untrained eye this might not seem like much evidence and we don’t blame his roommate for not catching the odd behavior. But believe me on this, the things we found in this room are very likely to be things in the possession of a modern pirate.”

CPO Craig admits he doesn’t have very much experience in this sort of investigation, despite 18 years in the Coast Guard service. “Well in a place like this, there isn’t much need for investigations of any sort. Except for maybe where the leftover fried chicken went,” he laughed. “But it’s pretty obvious when you see how much weight my wife has gained lately.”

With the Court Martial proceedings drawing ever closer, the Officer In Charge of the MPs responsible for the arrest brought attention to their excellent training.

“We only have three MPs on this station including myself, but when we’re not patrolling the parking lot in the cruiser, we spend endless hours studying every single episode of NCIS, JAG, and Scooby Doo on our big screen TV,” he said, indicating the stack of unmarked DVDs on his desk. “Seaman Apprentice Kwan actually hooked us up with these for a great price. It’s sad to see he was dirty all along.”

Coast Guard

Typo causes Coast Guard to spend millions of dollars guarding nation’s coats

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A major typo in a recent presidential directive to the Coast Guard has caused the service to expend thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars in resources guarding the country’s coats, sources confirmed today.

“The Coast Guard, as its primary mission, shall ensure the safety and security of our nation’s coats,” read an executive order issued by President Donald Trump. “These duties shall include search and rescue, drug interdiction, and especially arctic operations.”

The Coast Guard has redirected its priorities away from maritime security in response to the order and is instead focusing on the defense of coats made by everyday brands like The North Face and L.L. Bean, as well as high-end brands like Burberry and Canada Goose. However, it is still unclear whether its responsibilities will extend to the defense of lighter-weight jackets and cardigans.

“If we were to enter a new Cold War with China, it is essential that our strategic reserve of coats is kept safe and in a high state of readiness,” said Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Karl Schultz. “Otherwise everyone would freeze to death.”

Schultz admitted that while guarding coats is an atypical mission set for a service that was designed to patrol waterways, it is one his service is prepared to undertake.

“A couple of months ago, we had ensigns who couldn’t tell the difference between a peacoat and a chesterfield,” admitted Schultz. “Now, we have troops deployed to every REI and coat check room around the country ready to take action.”

At press time, a Coast Guard Maritime Security Response Team was deployed to the mid-Atlantic to investigate reports of a sinking goat.

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Coast Guard tells families to “sell your organs, start hooking” to help cope with government shutdown

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WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard published a list of recommended actions today that its service members and their families can take to cope with the continuing government shutdown, including selling their bodily organs and taking part in extramarital prostitution.

The guidance is a 7-step checklist given to the thousands of families and federal employees who will not be receiving a paycheck due to the furlough.

With no end in sight, the Coast Guard has recommended the following actions and tips, assuring those affected that “you may have to temporarily make changes in the way you handle your finances, but by following these steps, you’ll be more likely to get quickly back on track when the furlough period is over.”

Understand the Details – Find out the Specifics of Your Furlough

Chances are that if you are being furloughed, it is for a completely invalid reason and the result of someone’s personal agenda. Keeping that mindset, this is a perfect opportunity for you to ask your command for answers, but know that you will likely not get a reasonable response. We encourage you to reach out to your Administrative Officer for additional information, even though they’re also on furlough and probably unable to answer your question

Crunch the Numbers

Assess your financial situation so that you can make good decisions during these trying times. Getting organized is key because only God and James Mattis know when you’ll actually be getting paid again.

Get Lean

Evaluate your spending. Do you really NEED food and water? That PT test next quarter will be here before you know it, and you could probably stand to lose a few. What better thing to motivate you to get fiscally responsible than incomprehensible government furloughs with no end in sight?

Consider your needs. History shows that a lot of people actually went their entire lives without electricity before Ben Franklin. Why not pay tribute to our founding fathers? Save some bucks and unplug/unhook everything in your house. Make it a fun game for the kids!

Supplement Your Income

Finding alternative methods of income is a wise decision during government furloughs. Have you considered selling your non-vital organs? Nobody ACTUALLY needs both kidneys. Why not make easy money and save someone’s life?

Another great idea is to have your spouse frequent street corners and questionable hotels, conveniently located just off any military post worldwide. The Coast Guard is full of families, and its time each member start pulling their own weight. Studies have shown that prostitution is a great way to make extra bucks, and much like driving for Uber or Lyft, you get to pick the hours you work!

When low on cash, just remember – “Sell Your Organs, Start Hooking.”

Avoid the Credit Trap

Don’t be afraid to talk with your creditors. Somebody has got to be the one to tell them why your mortgage payments and credit card bills won’t be paid this month, and it’s definitely not going to come from us or the federal government.

Your credit score will undoubtedly take a hit during this period of no-pay, but if you prepare enough, it will be less depressing a year from now.

Don’t Go At it Alone

One team, one fight. You are not alone in this time of potentially crippling debt and depression, there are many other families and federal contractors out there screaming themselves hoarse with rage over this nonsensical furlough. Find others to vent your frustration with. Because in the hardest of times, it is important for us to stick together despite your employer completely abandoning you.

Coast Guard officials could not be reached for immediate comment.

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Coast Guard helicopter totally forgot why it came out here in the first place

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TAMPA, Fla. – A Coast Guard MH-60 Jayhawk helicopter has completely forgot why it flew all the way out here in the middle of the ocean after it was launched from Air Station Clearwater this morning to respond to the search and rescue notification, sources confirmed today.

“I knew I flew out here for something,” exclaimed Lt. Brandon Rivera- González. “I’m pretty sure it was for a person in the water, or was it a boat taking on water? … oh man, I hate when this happens.” The pilot proceeded to retrace their steps trying to recall what it was they were searching for in the first place.

Air Station Clearwater launched its helicopter this morning for a search and rescue case 13 nautical miles offshore in response to a distress call or something. It is not exactly clear. Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads Command Center was contacted by the helicopter to reassess the situation and remind them of their mission. When contacted, the watch stander on duty shrugged and mumbled, “Uhh I don’t know.”

The Coast Guard proceeded to commence a search pattern that resembled a circle and then a triangle, which gradually became an aimless squiggle in the middle of the ocean. Coast Guard Atlantic Area policy states that if a helicopter is to forget why it’s searching in the first place, the helicopter is to just look for stuff and things.

At press time, sources confirmed that when the helicopter touched down at a local airport for lunch, they suddenly remembered what they were searching for.

“Oooh yeah!” exclaimed Rivera-González, “We were supposed to look for some missing guy with an orange kayak … or was it green?”

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Whale gives Coast Guard cutter ‘the fin’ after being cut off

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BERING SEA — A disgruntled humpback whale returning from his migration journey has reportedly flipped the Coast Guard Cutter Munro ‘the fin’ in response to a near miss with the large sea mammal, sources confirm today.

“Learn how to sail you fuckin’ psychos,” said the 40-year old sea mammal, acknowledging that he has not seen such amateur navigation since he was a calf.

“There I was just minding my own business when suddenly WHAM here comes this white-ass mother fucker out of nowhere.” exclaimed the humpback. “They act like they own the ocean! Assholes.”

The cutter recently completed it’s fisheries patrol in the Bering Sea when it came mere inches away from striking the whale. Witnesses believe the combination of a newly recruited seaman at the helm and an ensign who is a freshly qualified officer of the deck was the main cause of this careless near-casualty.

“Use your turn signals too you inconsiderate asshats!” the angry marine animal yelled. “I’m a whale, not a psychic.”

The gray-finned mammal also made sure to write down the Coast Guard boat’s hull number and call the agency’s complaint hotline with a heated 5-minute-long moan.

“I swear to God if those jerk-offs disrespect me again I’m going to jump out of the water and show them my junk,” he added.

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Coast Guard begins reselling seized cocaine amid government shutdown

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SAN DIEGO — With the Coast Guard being the only branch of the military whose members may go without during the current government shutdown, the service has decided to resell the nearly $1 billion dollars worth of cocaine seized in the past six months to supplement pay for the 42,000 men and women on active duty.

“We doubt legislation will be passed by Friday, Dec. 28, which will keep us from getting our scheduled pay check for 31 Dec.,” Chief Warrant Officer Kevin Francescon said in a statement. “However, we have a shit ton of drugs. And if we can capture it, we damn well can sell it back for twice the price to the right buyers.”

With Coast Guardsman needing to pay mortgages, rent, food, and travel expenses, the service weighed various options to cover the services many costs, such as a GoFundMe campaign, mandatory intermittent fasting, bread-lines at military galleys, and turning the Coast Guard’s small boats into party boats and their cutters into cruise liners.

Officials said that since the Coast Guard was the only part of the military under the Department of Homeland Security, it left them as the only military service not being paid as other branches continued to receive funding during the shutdown. Nevertheless, those other services don’t have over 20 tons of pure uncut cocaine in storage to sell to the highest bidder, according to multiple sources.

Besides the federal drug sale, Navy Federal Credit Union has announced a relief program offering a zero-interest loan to qualified affected members, while USAA has offered a free sponsored coffee mug to use while members panhandle outside of all Coast Guard bases.

On Friday, Trump threatened Congress with continuing the shutdown if lawmakers refused to fund $5 billion for the border wall, and said that since the Coast Guard’s motto is “Always Ready,” why weren’t they ready for this?

Nevertheless, the Coast Guard remains in good spirits though and according to Pamatian, “If we run out of blow we can always sell all the marijuana we captured. You think we just burn it?”

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Border Wall to be constructed out of unfinished Coast Guard cutters

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EL PASO, Texas — Federal authorities have awarded over 30 unfinished Coast Guard cutters to a Texas company to build 12 miles of wall along the U.S.-Mexico border in the Chihuahuita area, sources confirm today.

Texas contractor FLURP Inc. will begin construction of a 418-foot reinforced steel levee wall in January in the agency’s El Paso region using remaining parts and materials from unfinished and unneeded boats, Coast Guard representatives told reporters. The company also will use the money saved from building more Coast Guard vessels to dig a sick moat with alligators and build a super cool draw bridge.

President Donald Trump has promised that the Coast Guard cutters on the border will provide an impenetrable defense against all aspects of illegal immigration and shot down questions of migrants using boats to cross.

“Shut your mouth!” the president said, pointing at a reporter. “They can’t get here on boats. You think those rapists and murders can afford a yacht?”

The section will be the first of Trump’s border barriers in the valley, which is considered one of the busiest corridors for illegal crossings. Other areas have been completed with remnants of discarded F-35 parts.

“The wall will be comprised of several security layers: a broken flight deck camera system, miles and miles of rusted steel peppered with white and red paint, and guard towers built out of discarded non-skid,” Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen told reporters. “We’re also looking at utilizing pursuit boats stacked on top of one another that we otherwise would have used to interdict drug traffickers and a bunch of helicopter blades on top of the wall from Coast Guard search and rescue helicopters.”

Coast Guard representatives agreed with the decision and said they’ve been doing fine fine with what they already have.

“Considering how often these boats leak, it might be the best idea to place these things along the border,” said Capt. Barry Hughes.

“These invaders will be so disappointed once they see this massive impenetrable wall of badassness,” Texas resident and border militia founder Jamie Kearney told reporters. “I mean, how else can they get across our border? I literally can think of no other way of these assholes can get to America. I think we won!”

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Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time

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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

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Coast Guard saves lovable Navy SEAL tangled in net

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PANAMA CITY, Panama — A Virginia-based U.S. Coast Guard crew recently became a helping hand for an adorable sea creature needing help. The USCG Cutter Bear’s crew was on routine patrol in the eastern Pacific Ocean when they spotted a fully-grown Navy SEAL entangled in a mass of lines, garbage and abandoned GovX gear, sources confirmed today.

The Coast Guard was able to provide the SEAL a life ring and various ego-boosting complements in order to keep the entangled animal afloat. Petty Officer 3rd Class Walt Howell, who disentangled the SEAL, said the mission highlighted one of the reasons he joined the Coast Guard.

“You could see that it was in a lot of pain and needed help,” explained Howell. “Despite people approaching it from the boat, it wasn’t reacting because it seemed too insecure to do anything like tell cool stories or show off its tattoos. If it had been confident and able, it would have been able to break free with its hilarious diver knife or something.”

Cutter Bear Commanding Officer Capt. Tim Piper contacted multiple agencies for advice but animal experts had little expertise they could offer.

“It is a major concern of mine that when I phoned SEAL World, they simply told me that they are not prepared for helping such a creature,” Piper said. “Apparently, it wasn’t good at sliding on it’s belly or clapping. It just kept pointing its FN FAL rifle at the ship and asking for permission to fire.”

“I wonder whether NOAA would have taken more interest in this distressed animal had it been an adorable little dolphin,” Piper added.

The cutter transported the SEAL to Naval Amphibious Base Coronado, where it can take months to complete BUD/S, jump school, and a class where you learn how to balance a ball on your nose.

The SEAL will eventually be nursed back to health and begin his rough draft of the tell-all book he will inevitably write about this experience, according to a Navy spokesperson.

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