Church Outraged After Care Package Returned, Included Note Asking For Porn, Beer

Care Packages For Soldiers

COLUMBUS, OH – Leaders of the Unity Church of God were recently surprised after one of the many care packages they have sent to anonymous service members overseas was returned with all of its original contents — but had an additional note inside from the soldier who had received it.

The note read: “Thank you for the kind gesture. Unfortunately, I have no need for any of this stuff. Please send porn and beer.”

It was signed as ‘Every American Soldier Ever’.

After extensive investigation, the anonymous soldier was tracked down and identified as Specialist Christopher Applewood with 3rd Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division.

When reached for comment, Applewood was unapologetic.

“I don’t see why they’re so mad.  How many toothbrushes, decks of playing cards, or little packets of gum do we need?  I get that stuff at the PX.  I’m twenty years old and haven’t had sex in fourteen months.  My balls are so blue they’re cobalt.  I’m not exactly sure what that means but lets just say it’s bad.”

The note has set off a firestorm between the military and charity organizations. An in-depth investigation by the soldier’s commander further stoked the flames when the report issued was extremely brief and confirmed Applewood’s remarks.

The report included statements from various soldiers, including “[we] have enough damn baby wipes” and “there is a real shortage of high-quality material for the jack shack.”

Other service-members oppose the investigations findings. They believe the care packages for soldiers are well-meaning and allow those who cannot serve the opportunity to contribute to the war effort.

Marine Lance Corporal Jared Headley, of 3rd Battalion, 6th Marines, is one who disagrees with Applewood.

“We’ve been at war for over a decade.  How can you not find porn in Iraq or Afghanistan?  I’m stuck in a crappy COP [combat outpost] in the middle of nowhere and I have three terabytes of porn meticulously categorized by genre. That dude needs to make some friends.  I could use a beer though.”

Church officials, having finally learned what ‘Every American Soldier Ever’ wants, have begun including the new requests in the care packages. Local porn shops, however, have suffered from the newfound revelation.

“I hate it,” said Rex Rudder, owner of ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’, a porn shop outside Fort Bragg. “Those buses pull up and all these church moms come pouring out into my store. My regulars usually beat feet because who wants to buy Donkey Dongs 6 when the church lady is behind them in line?”

Rudder shakes his head and continues.

“I guess if it’s soldier care packages for the troops, it’s ok. All these people out here just get a bumper sticker on their car and think that’s enough. Hell, I’m doing real work for the war effort — I’ve even thrown in a few fleshlights to do my part.”


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13 Comments

  1. Matt,
    I have it on very good authority that The Onion is the cilivian version of Duffleblog. I am further informed that this distinction is of extreme importance, to which I readily concur. In fact, the Onion offices were recently destroyed by fast-roping personnel from a pair of Blackhawks, and all persons inside the offices at the time of the event were liquidated, no doubt due to their overwhelming insolence.
    Serious stuff, man.

    • So . . . CPT . . . I notice you have a bad hand, are you wounded? Oh no Sir – just fast-roping on R&R . . . Ah fast roping on R&R, but you’re OK, you’re fit for duty? Oh yes Sir, General Sir, very much so Sir . . .(squirly civilian type in back corner of room pipes up) Are you not CPT XYZ who was assigned to VWX and who assassinated ABC and DEF in GHI on JKL? Uh . . . No Sir . . . Did you not MNO and PQR and STU?!?! Uh . . Sir, I am unaware of any such operation, or mission, and I would not be disposed to talk about it if it did in fact exist . . . Sir . . .

  2. Really people you think this is even in the relm of a real reportable story *facepalm*

  3. How many of you are stupid? A better question: how many of you think highly of your own intelligence? This article is fake. Duffleblog is basically The Onion Military Edition. Stop thinking so hard about this. It’s a satirical site.

  4. It is not true. If you click and look on the “About Us” page you will find the following:

    “Legal Crap

    The content of this site is parody. No composition should be regarded as truthful, and no reference of an individual, company, or military unit seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm.”

    Funny story, but I also served and can see how people won’t just read the article in its entirety and get the joke. Unfortunate, but true.

    Overall: LOL.

  5. we all deployed it was nice to get some of the packages it is wrong of a soldier to un appreciate the will even though a civilian wont fully understand the stress of a deployment this guy is just some punk kid who has been spoiled far to long to appreciate anything from anyone i am almost out of the army now and fully intend on sending funds/packages to fellow soldiers this guy has no sense ruining a good thing and help from civilians tell me no one wouldnt like to get a package time to time even if you dont use it still shows your not forgotten

  6. 1) there is no way this story is true
    2) just publishing this story will make 99% of church STOP volunteering their time and money to send ungrateful people packages
    3) i never recieved one god dam care package and i spent 18 months total in Iraq, the pogs devoured them up
    4) please take down this story, it’s going to make our friends think we have everything we need over there and not go out of their way to send us stuff

  7. I can say this for him he has some big ones cuz thats what it took to send the package back and to ask for porn and beer. It was my understanding that neither of these items could be sent overseas. Since the majority of porn can be downloaded off the internet I would think that wouldn’t be a big problem for the soilders in the field with all that Satellite communications gear they have. Whatever keeps them happy. But, they might be ruining for the operators way out in no mans land who don’t mind getting the baby wipes to wipe the crud off their bodies when they haven’t had a bath in 2 weeks or longer.

  8. Back in the day, an investigation would have resulted in something about as close to court-martial as you could get. It would have been deemed as having brought disrepute to the corps. But what goes on behind closed doors, etc………….

    Nontheless, this story, if true, is obviously waaaaaay out of hand. (pardon the pun) And, the specialist (sic) will probably find himself out on a lot of night recons. With his toothbrush.

    • probably not, what he says is the trust. do you know how many toothbrushes, packs of cards, crossword puzzles and babywipes i had to throw out? the only thing i really like getting was the socks, you could never have to many socks. but getting new porn was the highlight of my deployment. he just said what most soldiers are too nice to say and dont want to hurt feelings. but it is very true.

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