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Marine Corps

Troops Issued New Karzai-Approved Rifle Combat Sights, Engraved ROE

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The view through the new Karzai-Approved Sight

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Marines have been using the Rifle Combat Optic from Trijicon for years — giving them a much clearer view on the battlefield.

But despite the improvements, they’ve still run into problems with Rules of Engagement violations and civilian casualties.

“That all ends today,” said Lieutenant Colonel Todd Brogan in a press conference in Kabul.

Brogan briefed the media on a Marine Corps research project — working alongside Trijicon and Afghan President Hamid Karzai — to improve the current weapon sight.

The result: a laser engraving alongside the reticle with currently accepted rules of engagement, escalation of force procedures, and pre-fire checklists.

“We’re hoping that having the ROEs presented over the Marine’s field of view will allow us to ensure that every pull of the trigger is a righteous one,”  said Lt. Col Brogan.

The Rules of Engagement to be engraved were agreed upon by top officials at the Pentagon and Afghan President Hamid Karzai. The RCO, with its tritium illuminated chevron and stadia, will also feature key ROE procedures, helping Marines make the right call.

The new rules have been highly criticized by ground troops, who claim they take away their rights to defend themselves.

“These new ROEs they’re trying to push on us is horseshit,” said Cpl Stanley Alvarez. “ROE 4244 is fucking lame. I can’t fire back unless the target has verbally identified himself as Taliban, and only if he’s been enrolled into HIIDEs [biometric scanning] and popped with priors.”

Afghan President Karzai has stressed the importance of protecting the Afghan people.

“There are no Taliban in Afghanistan anymore. My country is friendly to foreigners. Any fire the Americans have encountered is obviously celebratory to welcome the soldiers,” said Karzai. “I question their motives by their reports of being shot at and feel the ISAF ground troops are showing signs of intense paranoia.”

Marines who have tested the new reticles have questioned the ability of troops on the ground to read and comprehend them during the heat of combat.

Staff Sergeant Rudy Harrington, of Quantico Weapons Testing, was reserved in his views.

“I think it’s a great idea on paper, but the wording of the ROEs is pretty lengthy and blocks out a lot of the field of view.  The RCO already has a pretty crowded reticle, and with the addition of several paragraphs of ROEs it becomes somewhat hard to acquire [Positive Identification] targets. Some of my Marines have complained of headaches after extended periods on the firing line, and during testing debriefs it’s come up that the size of the font in the RCO as well as attempting to focus on the reticle and the ROEs as the same time may be the cause. They placed ROE 4242 quite close to the outside of the field of view in one prototype we tested, and we were noticing it gave false scope shadow.”

ROE 4242 is another of the “Karzai-Approved” ROEs and states that American forces can only return fire on individuals when they  “ … see the whites of the enemy’s eyes.” This revision is in response to stray bullets known to occasionally hit the walls of mud compounds requiring the valuable local nationals’ time to repair.

ROEs have also been revised to protect the pet dogs in Afghanistan, who have been among the highest casualties since the war began in late October 2001. ROE 4244-K9 states that forces can only fire upon dogs found to be carrying illegal weapons. Since the AK-47 is a legal weapon in Afghanistan, forces must identify such illegal weapons as RPKs, PKMs, or RPGs.

Karzai has also demanded that the US military conform to California State Gun Laws, saying that “the rest of America should take lessons from their friends in Hollywood, including the American military.”

Lt. Col Brogan responded to questions relating to Karzai’s “CA legal” demands by saying, “That seems pretty severe.  I would be surprised if our friends at the Pentagon decided to implement those.”

Other proposed reticle enhancements include blacking out the Bullet Drop Compensator (BDC) beyond 100 meters to discourage shots from being taken beyond the range that positive identification can be reliably established.

“In addition to engraving ROEs into the reticles of our new ‘Karzai Approved’ RCOs, we are removing any compatibility with Night Vision Devices to comply with Karzai’s demand of ceasing all military operations at sundown,” said Lt. Col. Brogan.  “We are also phasing out guard post at night at our FOBs at COPs as a show of good-will with the Afghan people.”

“We all want the same thing,” continued Brogan. “To mitigate any and all civilian deaths amongst the Afghan community.  US Forces are committed to proving to the Afghan People that we have no desire to harm anyone who hasn’t proven themselves to be an enemy of America.”

Headquarters Marine Corps has ordered 14,000 of the new “Karzai Approved RCOs,” and plans on issuing them within the next 3 months to Marines in the field.

Marine Corps

NCIS sting: Marines bribe officials for acceptance into University of Phoenix, Strayer University

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The Naval Criminal Investigation Service announced today the indictment of several Marines accused of bribing college officials for admission to some of the nation’s top online diploma mills.

“These bribes deprived veterans, other service members and average American dupes the chance to get ahead,” NCIS Agent Tom Malloy told reporters. “They prevented the opportunity for hard working people to advance careers through an esteemed and rigorous education.”

NCIS opened its investigation after a Camp Lejeune unit education officer dropped an envelope stuffed with one and five dollar bills and an application to Strayer University written in crayon. A civilian contractor turned the envelope over to NCIS, igniting a scandal that involved multiple Marine Corps bases, according to Malloy.

“In most instances, an education officer took half of the money and sent the rest to the university official,” Malloy said.

The University of Phoenix, Capella University, and Grand Canyon University were also implicated in the scandal. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller expressed shock at the alleged scheme.

“Marines are taught to use black pens on official documents,” Neller said. “Crayons are strictly for consumption.”

NCIS agents believe junior enlisted Marines hatched the plan when looking to enroll in classes that coincided with field day formations. Education officers insisted the Marines would need extra help in enrolling in these for-profit colleges. The education officers earned between $5 and $6 per application for a total of over $500,000 in bribes, according to NCIS.

“I was a little confused when I was approached with a bribe for admission the first time,” an admissions officer for Phoenix University said. “I mean, we’ll enroll anyone with a line of credit or access to tuition assistance money. I took the bribe of course. It only had a few dollars covered in grease and glitter that probably came from a local strip club.”

It is still unclear if the universities will expel the students involved. Most will remain enrolled until their payment checks clear.

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Marine Corps

134 percent of Marines arrested in nationwide ASVAB cheating scam

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marine at computer

Federal officials charged thousands of active duty Marines, including several prominent recruiters, today in what the Justice Department says was a costly $5 scheme to cheat ASVAB testing standards.

Nine gazillion Marines allegedly paid a strange man in a trench coat who said he would fabricate test scores and organize bribes to help men and women gain acceptance into the highly regarded service.

“We’re talking about pure dishonesty and rampant fraud — completely fake test scores, fake MEPS physical exams, and bribed officials with meet and greets with Jim Mattis,” Blake Strathman, a U.S. Marine Corp Recruitment Oversight official said at a news conference.

Strathman said Marines “paid from up to $5 to a whole box of crayons” to try to ensure that their scores went above the required 32 to enter the service. The accused allegedly sent bribes to associates controlled by a Virginia man named Dan Shaw in return for securing passing scores on the ASVAB as well as for spreading rumors that they are very strong and mean.

Shaw also presented his clients as elite killers, Strathman said.

“In some cases, Shaw helped Marine applicants take staged photographs of them engaged in Spartan races and intense paintball competitions,” he said. “Other times, Shaw and his connections used stock photos of famous wartime battles and photoshopped the face of the applicant onto the picture and submitted them to recruiters.”

Strathman was asked if he has 250 fake photoshopped pictures and 175 bribes, how many pictures and bribes does he have in all

“SEVEN! No wait. If you carry the two and subtract the 5, you end up with $35 dollars and a 2 strippers with dragon tattoos! Did I win?” he responded.

A total of one thousand million have been charged in the recruitment scheme, according to Marine Corps officials. More than twenty zillion people in multiple states were taken into custody Wednesday as part of “Operation No Impact, No Idea,” said Jake Pugh, special agent in charge of the Marine’s Investigation division.

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Marine Corps

Opinion: Jerkin’ it at sea is a lot like jerkin’ it while not at sea

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By Sgt. Steven Mode, flight equipment technician

Sometimes things in life are the same, and other times things are different. One thing that is the same for me everywhere is wacking it.

On a train or in Bahrain, on a float or off the boat, masturbating is about the same wherever I go. Sure, sometimes I have to worry about getting knocked around if the seas are rough, or passing out if the porta-shitter is really hot, but generally speaking, the experience of jerking it has been pretty consistent. For example, one time I was beating it on the USS Bonhomme Richard, and another time I was beating it not there. See? Exactly the same.

Others may disagree, but nothing I’m saying is too wacko. People often ask me, “Hey! Don’t you think that masturbating on the USS Bataan is different from masturbating when you’re not on the USS Bataan?” But my answer is always a flat “NO! It’s the same for me everywhere.”

Think about it, what’s so different about rubbing one out in an unlocked quadcon on the USS Wasp versus doing it in another place? First of all, they shouldn’t have left the quadcon unlocked, but isn’t that basically the same as tugging it in the IPAC bathroom on Pendleton? My point exactly.

Last year, I was doing it when I was on watch in Iraq, and I was like, “Hmmm. This is about the same as that time I was doing it on my rack on the Green Bay, and I was right!” For me, it’s like going to McDonalds. No matter where I am, I know what to expect.

The only time it was different was when I was beating it back home in Michigan and my bathroom caught on fire because a rat got stuck in the space heater. Never had an experience like that before. Talk about crazy!

In conclusion, jerking it is something I do a lot and is about the same wherever I go. Thank you.

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Marine Corps

Battalion commander eliminates all liberty incidents by telling Marines to ‘do the right thing’

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TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marines from 1st Battalion 7th Marine Regiment are determined not to have any incidents this weekend after their battalion commander urged them to “do the right thing” at his weekly liberty brief, sources confirmed today.

Lt. Col. Mark Branfield’s remarks normally focus on training highlights from the past week and implicit calls to “protect what you’ve earned,” but this Friday, Branfield explicitly addressed liberty incidents. He told the Marines not to commit any felonies or haze each other, according to Marines present for the briefing.

“The boys are disciplined,” he explained. “I told them to do the right thing, and I’m sure that is exactly what they will do.”

Branfield’s straightforward approach seems to have had an immediate effect on the battalion.

“You know, I was dead set on murdering a hooker and burying her in Joshua Tree tomorrow,” Lance Cpl. Kevin Carlos said, “but that wouldn’t be right, and I am going to do the right thing this weekend because the battalion commander told me to.”

Pfc. (Third Award) Alonzo Morris of Baker Company, who currently holds the regimental record of six consecutive weekends with a Sunday morning call to his platoon sergeant, said Branfield’s words inspired him.

“I don’t mean to get in trouble. I just don’t know what to do with myself when my team leader isn’t around,” Morris admitted. “All you gotta do is tell me to do the right thing, and I’ll do it.”

At press time, Marines in the battalion were standing in a school circle listening to the sergeant major piggyback off the battalion commander’s remarks. It is unclear whether they will be released by Monday morning.

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Marine Corps

Camp Lejeune residents invoiced for any superpowers developed after water poisoning

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SMALLVILLE, Kansas — Past residents of Camp Lejeune were recently sent invoices for any superpowers they may have developed from a series of incidents starting in 1953 that led to the toxic contamination of the drinking water supply in base housing, sources confirmed today.

The invoices arrived after the Department of Veterans Affairs received several reports of superpowers concerning an aging population that was living on base at the time. The exact source of the contamination was never determined, but rumors link it to a combination of fuel farm leakage, off-base dry cleaning mismanagement, and runoff from excess motivation of second lieutenants.

The Beckett family received invoices in the mail for a combined total of $45,000. Stephanie Johnson and her husband Glenn, 65 and 68 respectively, developed their superpowers about 10 years prior.

“I can understand billing my husband. He got teleportation,” Stephanie said. “But all I got was an enhanced sensitivity to race relations. What am I supposed to do with that? I’m a Republican!”

The controversy has increased over the years as various internal investigations have cleared the U.S. government of accountability while some whistleblowers still insist that base officials were aware of the problem and attempted to cover it up. One retired service member said he submitted an official report — which showed water toxicity levels up to 3,400 times over the recommended safe amount — to the base commander.

The commander “crumbled up the documents, stuffed them underneath his shirt, and pretended they were boobies,” the service member said.

James Holder, another local resident, received an invoice for $8,000. At first, he attempted to contact Defense Financing and Accounting Services to negotiate payment, but after being routed through several different departments, he was told that since he directly benefited from the contamination the U.S. government was entitled to reimbursement and garnishment of his disability payments if necessary.

“I guess the laser eyes aren’t that bad,” Holder said. “I can’t look in the mirror anymore or gaze lovingly into my wife’s eyes, but hey, at least I don’t have cancer.”

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Marine Corps

Afraid of talking on radio, Millennials Snapchat for fire

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AFGHANISTAN – Millennial troops are using Snapchat to call fire missions as a new survey indicates that millennial troops are too anxiety-ridden to talk on the radios, sources confirmed today.

The problem began years back with the generation’s fear of picking up the phone and answering doorbells, but crisis looms as the behavior bleeds over into the professional warfighting environment.

“That crack of the radio is just so sudden, you know? It’s terrifying,” said Capt. Aiden Mason, who was discovered in his company post huddled beneath his desk in fear, cradling a chai latte and an armful of participation trophies as his Gen-X battalion commander tried to contact him over the airwaves.

To combat this predicament, the Marine Corps has begun outfitting its observers with electronic tablets with a built in “Call for Fire” Snapchat expansion app.

“The project took off after we started issuing tablets equipped with the navigational app ‘Waze’ to boot lieutenants and “Uber X-tract” for on-demand helicopter extraction. Snapping for fire just sort of felt like the logical next step,” Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller said.

Air Naval Gunfire Liaison Companies request assistance by sending selfies to artillery batteries, CAS pilots, and naval gunfire platforms under the program. The app even allows troops to call for fire entirely through use of emojis as studies show that 83 percent of the “No Child Left Behind” generation is entirely illiterate. Several photos leaked of infantrymen making duck lips using combat selfie sticks with phrases like “Yaaaaaas, slay” scrawled across the screen.

“This new app is so fire, it really helps with my anxiety,” said Lt. Raz Saturn, an Air Force drone pilot with pink hair and cateye glasses who doesn’t have a callsign because she finds them offensive and “otherizing”

“To be honest, I’m literally mostly just excited to be able to yeet down some arty while taking a fat dump and hitting my Juul,” said Lance Cpl. Craig Johnson, who sources say frequently shares photographs of his feces with fellow Marines.

This new program is not without its critics. Primarily middle-aged veterans who define their entire identity by a four-year enlistment in a peacetime military and spent the following three decadesas subpar midgrade GS employees have criticized the move as “weak” and “coddling a bunch of snowflakes.” Many Boomer veterans expressed shock at the current generation, who has borne the brunt of America’s longest wars, and denied any complicity in the way their children were raised or shoddy policy that sent them to war.

Despite the naysayers, Neller expressed faith in the program.

“I can always count on my young Marines to be professional and lead the charge with adapting technology,” Neller said while throwing out a dab to show that he was “down with the youth.”

At press time, the “Text for Fire” program was discontinued after a lance corporal accidentally called in an air strike on a friendly village while power-swiping on Tinder.

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Marine Corps to reduce infantryman’s load by recruiting fewer wussies

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In an attempt to reduce the weight carried by already overburdened infantryman, the Marine Corps announced today that it would seek to reduce troops’ combat loads by recruiting fewer wussies.

“Studies by the Marine Corps Warfighting Lab and Center for Naval Analyses have shown that we can greatly decrease injury rates by reducing the number of wimps, wusses, and Nancy-pantses in our infantry units,” said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller.

“Further, we believe a battalion’s lethality will increase ten to fifteen percent simply by removing all broke dick losers from its ranks.”

Previous studies from the World War II and Vietnam War eras showed that the maximum amount of weight under which the average infantryman could effectively operate in combat was 45 to 50 pounds. However, Neller believes this load could be increased to 80 or even 90 pounds for any Marine that is not a “candy-ass bitch.”

“After months of lab experiments and field testing, we’ve concluded that a Marine could travel farther and faster under load if he or she is not a pathetic, spineless jellyfish,” said CNA physiologist Dr. Zeb Krantz. “Much of the pain and fatigue often associated with rucking and patrolling can be overcome by a steady practice of sucking it the fuck up.”

Operational testing by Marine units in Twentynine Palms, California, also showed that most Marine could increase their carrying capacity by regularly lifting heavy weights and not being a flaccid little creampuff. The Warfighting Lab has even developed a qualitative assessment called the Performance and Nerve System (PANSys) for determining whether a prospective recruit is an impotent softy.

“We’re still in the beginning stages of implementation,” said Neller. “But I’m confident we’ll be able to get rid of all chickenshit fat bodies by the end of the year.”

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Marines with no combat experience haze Marines with equal amount of combat experience

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TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. – A hazing scandal has rocked the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center after multiple reports of inappropriate treatment towards junior Marines, sources confirmed today.

The alleged perpetrators, a group of lance corporals with 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines, maintain their innocence, citing their solemn duty as non-commissioned officers to train their Marines.

The group recently returned from a six month deployment to the “central command area of responsibility,” during which they were exposed to absolutely no danger or anything closely resembling combat.

“I just spent six months standing post in Kuwait, do you think I would have been capable of guarding a base in a completely safe and sovereign nation if I hadn’t had a broom stick shoved up my ass as a private?” said Lance Cpl. James Stockton.

“Yeah, how do you think I would have had the mental fortitude to lift twice a day and consume 7,000 calories per meal if I hadn’t been punched in the face by my seniors?” added Lance Cpl. Daniel Gonzalez.

The Marines’ platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nathan White, gave a confusing and contradictory statement.

“Back in my day, this would have been considering training, but you know, you can’t do that shit, but you know, sometimes things happen when they shouldn’t happen, and sometimes that’s the way it is,” he said.

The key witness, 2nd Lt. Joshua Emerson, was standing his first duty when he stumbled across the scene.

“I heard someone yell, ‘You boot fucks are going to learn what it’s like to eat three delicious meals a day and attend Air Force sponsored activities,’” Emerson said. “Then they started shoving cake in their mouths, making them identify the flavor. One Marine said chocolate, but the correct answer was dulce de leche.”

The groups’ commanding officer, Lt. Col. John Q. Kraft, was particularly perplexed by the hazing incident, having spent over 49 hours personally briefing the Marines on the dangers of hazing.

“We did seven consecutive safety stand-downs,” Kraft said. “This is definitely not my fault and should not impact my career.”

Kraft took swift action in response to the incident. He placed one officer and one staff non-commissioned officer on every deck of the barracks for 24-hour shifts. When asked if the new policy may have contribute low unit morale, Kraft scoffed.

“Nonsense, I stood duty every day for three years when I was a lieutenant, these boots need to be tougher. It’s not hazing, its good training,” he said.

The commanding general has already convicted the alleged hazers to two life sentences, despite lacking the authority to do so.

“Hazers don’t deserve due process,” the general was heard yelling within earshot of the base’s frustrated legal team.

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