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Mission Accomplished: Soldier Screws Up PowerPoint Slide, Ends War in Afghanistan

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The General gives his speech

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Last night at 2140 Afghan local time, outgoing ISAF Joint Command (IJC) leader Lt. Gen. Curtis Scapparotti announced to assembled press and senior military officials that the war in Afghanistan was over.

Amid streamers, fireworks, and an enormous MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner — reminiscent of President Bush’s now infamous speech on the deck of an aircraft carrier shortly after the invasion of Iraq — the General smiled for the cameras and spoke of victory.

“I just gotta say, this is a great day for the US Military, and our country as a whole,” said General Scapparotti.

Soldiers mobbed Dining Facilities (DFACs) across the war-torn nation in search of non-alcoholic beer to celebrate the historic event, while back on the home-front, millions of citizens took to the streets in thousands of impromptu “victory parties.”

The cause for all of the celebration lies in the assessment slide at the center of the main briefing screen in the Kabul IJC —  headquarters for the entire war effort. It shows a map of Afghanistan, with a block next to each Province, indicating the progress in that particular region.  For the first time in the history of the now 11 year war, all blocks are colored green.

The General was asked about his feelings on the slide after the press conference.

“I’m not going to lie to you, I thought we were pretty screwed here. I mean, we’re losing one, maybe two soldiers every single day, spending almost a trillion dollars to keep the most corrupt government on earth in power, and indiscriminately killing civilians by the dozen,” he says, shaking his head, as if trying to clear a bad memory.

“Then this morning I wake up and receive my morning update brief, just like any other day, but then I saw this slide.  It hasn’t changed in so long that we usually just flip right past it.  I was actually saying ‘Next Slide’ when I looked again and saw those beautiful green blocks!  Then I thought to myself, thank God!  It’s finally over!”

Reporters then asked the General what he planned to do next, now that the eleven-year Afghan war was coming to a close. He laughed, saying, “What the hell do you think I’m gonna do? Get the fuck out of here and take my ass to Disneyland.”

At the center of this rapid change of fortune for the US war effort in the country is Specialist Mario Flores, attached to the 21st Civil Affairs BDE, currently deployed to Camp Julien in Kabul.

We tracked down the young soldier and asked him about the now famous briefing slide.

“Well, the other night it was late and I got handed this tasker. Usually my LT comes in and does the slide, which we then send over to the IJC for the morning brief, but he forgot to come back to work after crashing in the CHU of this interpreter chick that he’s been banging. At first I was worried about having to do it myself, but I figured nothing ever changes here, so why worry about it. But then I saw that the blocks in the assessment were all red.  I mean look at this place.”

The Specialist waves his hands, taking in the burnt out buildings, the stench of human waste in the air, and the incessant calls to prayer coming over the scratchy loudspeakers that are located throughout the capital in the thousands.

“Of course it was red.  But I didn’t want everyone to think this was a complete waste of time.  So I decided to change the slides to yellow.  I figured whats the harm?  I mean there’s no real difference.  Shit’s still fucked up, but at least it looks like we’re doing something.”

Then the young man sighed. “That’s how it started. Turns out my monitor’s color display was fucked up, so I actually changed the slides to green. And-well, you guys know the rest.”

The quiet young soldier smiles and lights a cigarette.

When asked whether he would alert his chain-of-command to the discrepancy, Flores is hesitant.

“The fuck I will! I’m already scheduled on the Freedom Bird flying out this Saturday.  Let the brass figure it out later.”

Navy

Chief of Naval Operations lauds return to tradition of ‘false flag’ operations

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A U.S. merchant vessel sunk by a Nazi submarine. Or was it?

THE PENTAGON — Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson applauded the Navy’s return to what he called “its storied tradition of false flag operations” in a speech on Friday, several attendees confirmed.

In remarks to senior Navy leaders, Richardson noted that the American fleet has been blaming provocations at sea on outsiders since Yankee sailors dressed up like Indians at the Boston Tea Party in 1773.

“Even before we had declared independence,” he noted, “we were already doing our best to pretend other people started our first war.” Richardson also noted half a dozen times that such operations would help the Navy during “great power competition” and in the “high end fight,” as official Navy guidance on speeches given by senior officers require.

“False flag operations” refer to operations intended to give the impression that another actor launched the initial attack. “The term false flag literally refers to pirate ships hauling up an English or Spanish flag before they attacked,” noted Bill Roberts, a naval warfare and vexillology expert at the Center for New American Security Studies (CNASS). “It let them get close to merchant vessels, before unleashing a deadly broadside of artillery and seizing them.”

Attendees of the speech say Richardson emphasized the timeliness of the Navy’s return to false flag activity. “As we face increasing maritime gray zone threats, including Chinese maritime militias, the Russians in the Black Sea, and North Korean smuggling, it is imperative that we learn how to deceive our enemies so they cannot deceive us,” he told his audience of admirals, captains and senior civilians.

The admiral did not provide any specifics about what false flag operations the Navy had resumed.

According to Roberts, in the last several decades the CIA had increasingly taken over responsibility for all false flag operations.

“Ever since the DoD botched Operation Northwoods during the Cuban Missile Crisis in the ’60s, which was a plan to blame Fidel for CIA-orchestrated terrorist attacks, the boys at Langley have liked to keep uniform personnel far away from this kind of stuff,” he noted.

“I can’t think of a single occasion since Vietnam where military personnel have faked a terrorist attack. It’s great the Navy’s getting back into it.”

Richardson’s remarks came as American leaders sought to assign blame for attacks on two oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman, which they claim were likely a covert action by Iran.

When asked for more information by reporters, Pentagon officials said the American public would just have to “trust us.”

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Army

Army not looking forward to prostate exam after 244th birthday

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WASHINGTON—The Army will celebrate its birthday today with the rite of passage every service endures once it reaches a certain age, the dreaded prostate exam, sources say.

Over the past 244 years, the Army has enjoyed relatively good health, with the exception of a few minor hiccups post-Vietnam and after the Gulf War, the Army recently told Congress. “Unfortunately, recent tensions with Iran, Russia, China, and Venezuela—along with recurring flare-ups in Iraq and Afghanistan—have left the Army concerned about the health of its aging combat systems, aching readiness numbers, and our likely basketball-sized prostate,” it said.

“I can’t seem to ‘force-flow’ troops into theater, if you know what I mean,” the Army told the Duffel Blog. “So I guess it’s time for the old finger sweep. I just hope the doc doesn’t have massive sausage fingers. I don’t want to walk around for the rest of the day looking stiff and constipated like the Marine Corps.”

Sources close to the Army say it has been secretly looking forward to the exam ever since its finger accidentally broke through some MRE toilet paper during its last deployment.

Nor will this be the first time the Army has had an invasive procedure involving its rectum. During the past several years of sequestration, the House and Senate Armed Service Committees have given the Army multiple unwanted colonoscopies, aimed at finding out why it was so bloated.

“Turns out I was just backed up with wasteful acquisition programs and a bunch of officers and NCOs who had never deployed,” the Army chuckled. “The colonoscopy prep flushed out most of it out and I took care of the rest with a few rounds of retention boards. Unfortunately, it looks like I will have chronic DCGS-A and a few other maladies for years to come.”

The Army has an appointment with the same doctor it saw at the Military Entrance Processing Station back in 1775, who sources say looked to be about 90-years-old back then. Though it will continue to face readiness health challenges as it ages, Army says  it will be ready to fight and win the nation’s wars—given enough warning and several billion more dollars than whatever Congress is currently appropriating.

Duffel Blog reporters Addison Blu and WT Door contributed to this article.

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Army

Chaplain’s wife drives to different state in disguise to buy dildo

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A person disguised in a ghillie suit

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla.—The wife of Army Chaplain Mike Phillips, Amy, has just been spotted entering a dildo store 350 miles from her home, sources confirm.

According to anecdotal reports, it is often difficult for spouses of the clergy to indulge in their love of cock, due to the busybody nature of congregants and parishioners. Spouses in need of “marital aids,” costumes, and restraints must travel far outside the Fort Hood area to procure the items required for a satisfying, make-you-weep orgasm.

Mrs. Phillips declined to comment to Duffel Blog reporters, but another chaplain’s wife offered some thoughts on condition that her real name not be used.

“It’s tough, it’s true,” said “Danielle,” the wife of Protestant Chaplain Steve White, the brigade chaplain of Panther Brigade, 82d Airborne Division, “because many of your husband’s flock think that you shouldn’t have needs and desires like a normal woman”

She continued, “Like just because your husband nurtures and shepherds young soldiers in their spiritual lives, you’re somehow supposed to be above just needing a thick tool slammed up in your clam.”

Danielle paused to adjust her Carmen Sandiego disguise while glancing furtively around the parking lot outside The Toybox, the best-Yelp-reviewed dildo store in Des Moines, Iowa—more than 1,000 safe miles away from Fort Bragg.

“Honestly, we have children, so they know we’ve had sex at least twice. I need a little more than man-on-top missionary once in a while, gosh darnit,” she added. “He is deployed all the time, and it’s only the Catholics and Mormons who are against self-pleasuring. I just need a little release, for crying out loud.”

Sources further confirmed that Mrs. Phillips was unfortunately thwarted in her attempt to covertly make her purchase (a 7 inch veiny Caucasian-color rubber vibrator that features “realistic squirting,” and several brand-associated refill vials of fake semen) when she ran into the wife of her husband’s head deacon, also in a beret and fake mustache, at the cash register. She was forced to ninja-roll under a rack of feather boas and fair-trade leather whips and dive out the window like Bruce Willis.

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Marine Corps

All Marines are rifleman first, according to Marine who is admin clerk second

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Making copies

WILMETTE, Ill – On Saturday evening, Private First Class Mark Vance told a collection of fellow New Trier High School graduates “Every Marine is a rifleman first.” Vance, whose primary Military Occupational Specialty is as an Admin Clerk—“not at all like a secretary,” according to Vance—spends virtually all day, every day typing.

Vance’s comments confused several partygoers, who were uncertain whether that meant Vance’s admin clerk duties were of secondary focus and if being a “rifleman first” had any impact on the young Marine’s actual schedule.

“I asked him what his job was and he said the rifleman thing from movies, but he didn’t really elaborate,” said Vance’s classmate Will Shields. “When I asked him what he meant, he said something about ‘lions not being concerned with the opinions of sheep’ and walked off.”

Sources confirm that Vance stood out among at the party thanks to his cargo shorts, tucked in Grunt Style t-shirt, dog tags worn over said shirt, and exceptionally pale skin characteristic of someone who lives his life under industrial fluorescent lighting.

Vance spoke at length about what it’s like to be a “living weapon” and to “know you can kill everyone in the room if you have to.” Since completing Marine basic training and earning his eagle, globe, and anchor, Vance has spent the majority of his time in the service handling admin actions as part of his unit’s S1 administrative division. Such actions include filing paperwork, filling out paperwork, taking calls, and not allowing his fellow Marines to sign out on leave.

Vance’s fellow Marines unit confirm that Vance’s training since leaving Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island has not included any specific courses in tracking enemy combatants across the desert, snapping a man’s neck like it was nothing, or something Vance vaguely referred to Saturday as “insane-o mode.”

Despite the “lean mean killing machine’s” apparent lack of formal training in advanced combatives and tactics, multiple party guests confirmed that Vance responded to a question asking if he had ever killed by saying “Not yet” completely without irony.

He then went on to explain that if he did deploy and if an ISIS fighter assaulted his forward operating base, and if said fighter were to make his way past the FOB’s outer defenses, and if they were to then fight through the other units on base, and if said terrorist were then to enter the Battalion Headquarters, and if they were to then make their way to the S1 shop, he would, “totally end that motherfucker.”

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News

Rep. Duncan Hunter shocked Americans making such big deal about routine war crimes

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Congressman Duncan Hunter

EL CAJON, Calif.—Speaking to reporters at his home office in California’s 50th District, Duncan Hunter seemed perplexed as to why Americans have gotten so upset about relatively minor war crimes allegedly committed by Chief Special Warfare Operator Eddie Gallagher.

“I honestly don’t get it,” Hunter exclaimed. “Eddie Gallagher killed, like, a handful of civilians. When we firebombed Dresden, we killed over 20,000 people!”

The Congressman went on to tell reporters that while serving as a POG near Fallujah in 2004, he and his Marines “killed probably hundreds of civilians.”

Hunter explained that on the modern battlefield, there is no way to avoid deliberately murdering an unarmed and wounded prisoner before taking pictures with his corpse.

“Given the prevalence of social media,” Hunter said, “you would be a fool to pass up a photo opportunity like that. That’s at least 100 likes on Instagram, and you’ll probably pick up a DM or two as well.”

According to Hunter, modern PC culture is to blame for the backlash facing Chief Gallagher. “Back when my dad was a Congressman, you could do whatever you wanted at home and overseas.

“Nowadays, you can’t even use campaign funds to bankroll extramarital affairs without getting indicted,” Hunter bemoaned. “What’s next, you’re going to tell me that people still aren’t over the whole My Lai thing? It’s been like 40 years. Give it a rest already.”

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Army

Staff Officers hope for war with Iran to end Bronze Star drought

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A Massachusetts bronze star license plate

THE PENTAGON — Many U.S. military staff officers are hoping for war with Iran, Duffel Blog has learned. These officers cite two reasons, sources familiar with the subject report: First, the U.S. has already gone to war with two of Iran’s neighbors and is familiar with the region. Second, many strategists believe the Iranian military machine will be defeated quickly, leading to a quick award of bronze stars before an even quicker departure from the ancient country.

“Finding excuses to write myself up so the colonel can sign a bronze star citation is difficult without a legitimate war,” Army Maj. James Forsyth said. “I don’t really want to do anything overtly valiant, because that could also be career threatening.”

“I just want people to see my bronzie license plate and assume that I did.”

As the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have wound down, staff officers have been searching for ways to earn the once-prestigious decoration. Forsyth and his generation of officers joined too late for the Great Medal Giveaways of Aught-One and Aught-Three. Back then, simply doing your job was often enough. Citations include actions such as organizing mundane resupply convoys or reporting semiaccurate intelligence to the brigade commander on enemy strength and disposition.

Present-day lieutenant colonels and above earned their bronze stars in the early days in OIF when the bar was incredibly low—even serving on brigade staffs that never left Kuwait.

For enlisted personnel, the minimum bar has always been tied to valorous action. At present, and against all common sense, even officers have to storm a strongly defended trench full of, say, ISIS fighters for consideration. But sadly, such trenches have been increasingly hard to find as ISIS fighters are killed off by drone strikes conducted by “pilots” who received the “distinguished warfare medal.”

While many company-grade officers want decorations, enlisted troops are hoping to get the combat pay that will finally pay for expensive modified trucks and muscle cars to manage their three-mile commutes from base housing to work.

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Army

‘Call for Fyre Festival’ dupes Millennials into enlisting

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The Fyre Festival documentary from Netflix

FORT SILL, Okla.—Millennial recruits and their helicopter parents are demanding answers after the Army’s “Call for Fyre Festival” failed to deliver on its promises of extravagant music performances, celebrity appearances, and unrestricted free-fire zones.

The festival began as a recruiting gimmick to attract Millennials, but ballooned into a social-media phenomenon, enticing the nation’s youth to sign away years of their lives they would otherwise have been spent aimlessly racking up student debt.

Call for Fyre guaranteed access to exclusive clubs, such as Navy Federal Credit Union and the USO. The festival even offered premium packages for longer enlistments. For a six-year commitment, the High Value Individual, or “HVI,” package included an an AC-130 airstrike and a selfie with a captured ISIS commander’s corpse.

“Kids these days just aren’t into duty, or selfless service, or endless war,” said the festival’s co-founder, Sergeant First Class Will McFarland. “But they love flashy shit like Coachella. So that’s what we gave them. Coachella. With bombs.”

Trouble for the festival began when the U.S. withdrew its firebases from Northern Iraq, causing the festival’s location to change from Kurdistan to Fort Sill, Oklahoma. Unwilling to visit middle-America, social-media influencers such as Nancy Pelosi started cancelling appearances. And in the coup de grâce, the USO only managed to book music performances by one member of the Spin Doctors and Uncle Kracker.

Thanks to new Army policy allowing cell phones during training, millennial recruits are fighting back in the only way they know—hashtags and harsh language.

“THIS IS #FyreFRAUD! I was promised Cardi B and A-10’s, not dilapidated howitzers and washed up B-list bands,” tweeted Private Mark Marino.

The Army responded to the controversy on its official Instagram page: “The U.S. Army reminds its volunteers that you can’t sue your recruiter, but we will try to book some better artists for #CallforFyre2020.”

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Army

Soldier travels back in time to prevent his own wedding

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FORT HOOD, Texas—Sgt. Freddy Heflin, 1st Battalion, 9th Cavalry Regiment (“Head Hunters”), and his bride-to-be, Miss Adrienne Pickens, of the Pickens family from Cut and Shoot, Texas, were flummoxed on Saturday when their wedding was interrupted by an intruder calling himself “Freddy from the future,” witnesses say.

According to a specialist who was acting as ring bearer, just as minister Rev. Jack Carter of the Second Baptist Church of Huntsville asked the assembly if there were any objections to the union, a bright flash lit the Comanche Chapel and a man appeared, screaming for the proceedings to halt. Witnesses say he resembled Heflin, although approximately ten years older and with “crazy eyes.”

The man dashed up onto the dais, tastefully appointed by Miss Pickens with teal and pink primroses at great cost to her father, and yanked the groom’s hand away from the bride’s.

“Don’t do it!” he yelled. “Freddy, it’s me! You—I mean, it’s us! I worked so hard to travel back in time to tell you! Do not marry this woman!”

Best man Sgt. Barney Ross attempted at that point to eject the intruder, but Heflin stopped him.

“Wait,” Heflin said. “Let him speak.”

“She takes everything from us!” the man continued, pointing at Pickens. “She makes you stop playing video games—I wasn’t even allowed to get the Xbox Infinity, so I can’t play Halo 9 or PlayerUnknown’s Sex Battle! She never wants to have sex but won’t speak to me for days if she catches me jerking off or watching porn.”

Witness say Future Heflin spoke quickly, telling Heflin, “I can’t go out with the guys every once in awhile, but she has ‘book club’ once a week, which is really just an excuse for her and her friends to gripe about their husbands and drink shitty wine. I can’t watch football anymore, she made me throw out my comic books, and she makes fun of me whenever I watch Firefly.

“Oh yeah,” Future Heflin added, “they renew Firefly.” He and Current Heflin then high-fived.

“This is an outrage!” Pickens cried. “Get this insane person out of here!”

“It gets worse,” said Future Heflin. “She cheats on you. She refuses to let you discipline our children—they were obese by the time they hit kindergarten. And speaking of weight, she’s going to gain 80 pounds in the next five years. Eighty. You think this is the real Adrienne? Last year she got double bronchial pneumonia and almost died. She was in the hospital and lost half her body weight. I didn’t realize it—you don’t realize it—but think about it: We’ve never seen pictures of her from high school.

“Have you been spying on us?” yelled Mr. Pickens at that point, rising to his feet. “Somebody call the cops. Reverend, please do something!”

“Want proof that I’m from the future?” Future Heflin continued. He pointed at Sergeant Ross. “She fucked your best friend. Not two weeks ago. It was when you had that fight over the groom’s cake, when she said it was childish to have a Dallas Cowboys cake. Remember that?”

The groom’s aunt reports that at this point, Ross hung his head, and said, “I’m sorry, Fred. She came over to ask my advice and brought a bunch of wine, and the next thing you know we’re both drunk and then she pushed me down on that Dinosaucers bedspread I have and pulled my pants down …”

Future Heflin reportedly also described a future war in Ukraine. “When you get back from your second Ukraine deployment in 2027—that’s right, I said second—she will empty your bank account, leave the kids with your mom, and be off in San Juan de Allende with Ray Breslin, her boyfriend from tenth grade,” he said, according to witness. “Who I almost feel sorry for, by the way, because she slowly made him throw out all his favorite things, too. I’m telling you. Walk out of here right now and don’t look back. Save the future: Dump this bitch.”

The witnesses added that “the weirdness didn’t stop there.”

The chapel apparently was lit by a second flash of light, and an obese woman appeared, wearing an “Army Wife—Hardest Job In The Army” t-shirt, blue leopard-print yoga pants, and flip flops, shrieking like a harpy.

“Fred!” she allegedly screamed. “What are you telling them? Don’t listen to him! He’s a liar! I only sucked Ross off because he made me drink a bunch of my favorite wine, which I only bought on the way to his place because it was on sale. We didn’t even really have real, actual, sex, only for like 20 or 30 minutes. And the kids are fine, lots of eight-year-olds weigh 220 pounds. Just do a Google Image search!”

“Oh, Christ,” Future Heflin said. He turned to Pickens. “This is who you become. You happy now?”

“Oh my fucking sweet Lord,” exclaimed Current Heflin.

Maid of honor Chelsea Houston denied reports that she muttered “Wow, Adrienne, she looks just like your senior pictures, but, like, plus-20 years” at this point.

“Listen, buddy, I’m not pissed at you if this is who she was all along,” Current Heflin said to Ross. Witnesses agree that at this point, Heflin turned to the groom side of the Chapel and said, “Well, there’s still a conference center out in Belton with a shitload of finger foods and booze. Who wants to get the hell out of here?”

“Baby, no! This is all some kind of lie! This isn’t who I become! I love you!” Pickens allegedly cried tearfully.

“I make you into a better person, not a childish moron, and this is how you thank me?” Future Pickens yelled.

Current Heflin, Future Heflin, and guests then departed the chapel, leaving the bridal party and her family in what some called “stunned silence.”

Neither family agreed to comment on the record.

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