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Son Proudly Follows In Father’s, Grandfather’s Footsteps In Faking Military Service


CLEVELAND, Ohio – John Jakeman always knew he wanted to be a fake veteran, ever since he grew up following his father Sullivan “Sully” Jakeman around to various veterans’ reunions.

“As a boy I loved to play with the Purple Hearts and Distinguished Service Cross Dad pretends he was awarded in Vietnam,” said Jakeman. “Those are powerful experiences to a young man.”

Jakeman has big bootprints to follow. He is actually the third generation of Jakemans to fake military service. In addition to his father, his grandfather faked military service in World War II.

John spoke to reporters at a recent Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America event, where he addressed the crowd on his role in the Second Battle of Fallujah.

He later shared some of the family secrets on fake military service.

“Life can be pretty hard for the solitary ‘artificial warfighter’ as we like to call ourselves, but I was lucky enough to have my father and grandfather teach me how to avoid a lot of the mistakes that separate the professional wannabes from the wannabe wannabes.”

According to Jakeman, the biggest trick is to not think big.

“Some of these new guys talk about being on the Bin Laden raid or doing secret operations in the Philippines that no one’s ever heard of,” said Jakeman.

“That may work with your average Joe on the street, but there are dedicated groups, like, out there who actually monitor the news for outlandish claims like that.”

Jakeman added that the rise of stolen valor databases, like Hall of Valor and Home of Heroes, also played a part in making modest claims.

“Grandad was able to get away with saying he won the Medal of Honor because the records from that time are terrible, and most of the veterans are dead. But Dad recently had to swap out his Distinguished Service Cross for a Silver Star after people started to cross reference it.”

“I think when I fake my first award, it’ll be something small like a Navy Achievement Medal with a Combat “V”.  I can always say it should have been a Bronze Star, but my command fucked me over on it.”

After shaking hands with several Gold Star Mothers who said how proud they were of him, Jakeman added that a good fake veteran always plays to the lowest common denominator.

“You have to understand that even after ten years of continuous warfare, most Americans only have a vague idea about what’s going on in Iraq and Afghanistan. I usually say I was in Baghdad, Fallujah, or Kabul. Even Kandahar is a little too exotic for most people, and we’ve lost 400 soldiers out there.”

Jakeman’s father Sully was also in attendance to solicit funds for a ficticious organization that he claimed helps wounded veterans. He said that an even better trick is to play off peoples’ political prejudices.

“People become a lot more gullible if you’re telling them what they want to hear. You know, ‘Bush was a war criminal’, ‘Obama’s a closet Muslim’, etc.” Sully said.

“Back in 2004, I was pretending to be a Swift Boat veteran to raise money against John Kerry. Even when I slipped up and said I was in Vietnam in 1977, emotions were running so high that no one questioned it.  Hell, I was almost on FOX News at one point.”

When asked about the morality of faking military service, John claimed that his actions constituted a public service.

“Most Americans are both extraordinarily proud of our military and just as extraordinarily sure that their own kids should stay out of it.  Unless you live near a military base, the War in Afghanistan might as well be on Neptune, for all it affects your daily life.”

Jakeman added, “Today we have such a high demand to honor our nation’s veterans but an increasingly-fewer number of veterans left to actually honor. It’s people like me who allow the American public to feel good about themselves when they send our armed forces off to whatever hellhole they’ll be in for the next decade.”

UPDATE: When reached for further comment on the Supreme Court striking down the Stolen Valor Act, Jakeman said, “This is a great day for America. It’s good to know that the Supreme Court values our service to the American public.”

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  5. I am so proud of our fake veterans. They fight daily battles to make Americans citizens realize how precious freedom of speech really is. They are only utilizing the tools that real Soldiers have fought and died for, further honoring their sacrifices and noble deeds. Every time I see one in the airport, overly decorated in stars and clusters, more stripes than the American flag and low quarters so barely worn-in that they smell fresh out of the box, I smile brightly, reach deep down in my pocket and give them a one finger salute for the phony charity they are soliciting funds for. Without brave men like them, sites like these wouldn’t exist. Again, I thank the fake veterans for putting their life on the line daily. God bless your brave souls!

  6. “Most Americans are both extraordinarily proud of our military and just as extraordinarily sure that their own kids should stay out of it. Unless you live near a military base, the War in Afghanistan might as well be on Neptune, for all it affects your daily life.” Even though this is satire, there are too many posers out there trying to get something for nothing. And the war IS too remote from the average American. So I appreciate the underlying truth underneath the satire.


  8. do you guys not realize this every “news” article on this site is parody military news like The Onion is for real news?

    • That’s the only reason I ever read the comments! It’s like a joke within a joke to hear from thepeople who don’t get the concept that this is humor.

  9. I am a veteran of five wars, including the Second Civil War and the War on Poverty, and this trash just makes me want to puke! I didn’t win my two Medals of Honor or seven Silver Stars just to let scum like this ruin MY goddamn country! President NOBAMA, you can kiss my decorated ass! If you want to fight cowardly pieces of shit like this, please send $5 to the Jakeman Family Foundation; PO Box 93410 Cleveland, OH 17776.

    • Your a good man Paul, it’s men like you that kept the German out of
      pearl Harbor.
      may the Fi be with you

  10. As a Veteran i am disgusted that someone would actually do this when i really lost friends in this pointless war and have been to Iraq myself… I think they should take people that pretend to be heros and drop them in the middle of the worst combat zones out there so they can get a true taste of reality… I hope a real soldier gets his hands on this phoney and shows him what a real vet is made of.

  11. I’m glad I went to Iraq for dousche bags like this guy. Death is too good for these people.

  12. The whole thing was too close to the excuses I’ve heard. The guy in the picture almost got into the Missouri National Guard Hall of Fame and he had fooled the Missouri National Guard for twenty years with his phony finery. Good job, Justin. It was like you read my email.

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