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Advice Column: Ask Top, Your Non-Friendly Neighborhood First Sergeant (Ep.3)


Ask Top” is your semi-monthly advice column where you can get the answers to the burning questions you always wished you could ask. Our resident First Sergeant has been in every infantry battle since Vietnam and has banged more quiff than all of you numb-nuts put together.

His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets.

DEAR TOP: I’m new to the infantry and my battle buddies told me that CLP is awesome for flogging the dolphin. It does say lubricant in the name, so I think it might be legit, but wanted to get a second opinion from someone who has been in for a while. -HAND SOLO at Joint Base Lewis-Chord, Washington

DEAR HAND SOLO: Why is one of my goddamn soldiers out there jerking off like a sad son of bitch? You should be out there on the town banging chicks so fast you shouldn’t even have the time to pull your pants up. When I was a young soldier  back in ’66, pussy was practically being thrown at my face! Even protest hippie chicks were down for it.

Now some will say it was because I sometimes waved my .45 sidearm in their face after drinking half a bottle of Jack Daniels — but that’s a bunch of crap. I know deep down they were patriotic Americans that want to support the troops the best way they know how — by hopping on the old pogo stick and enjoying the ride.

Now that being said — if you still need to PT your little soldier — your goddamn battle buddies are spot-on. Amateurs use Axe body wash but it tends to leave a bit of a rash. That CLP is one of the best kept secrets in our big green machine. Best lube for masturbation in the world and keeps your dick clean at the same time.


DEAR TOP: I am a thirty-something civilian with an itchy trigger finger and a halfway decent beard. Can I go over there and help you guys kill some terrorists? Thanks. -DISGRUNTLED TERRORIST-HATING PATRIOT in Boston, MA

DEAR DISGRUNTLED TERRORIST-HATING PATRIOT: Oh that’s really cute. You want to help us kill terrorists but your ass doesn’t go over to the nearest recruiting office and sign the fuck up? Where have I heard this one before.. oh yeah..

I’m on R&R from ‘Nam back in ’68. I’m sitting in some bar in Fayetteville. Some civilian comes up to me and wants to talk – starts asking me questions. Finally he says, “Yeah, I always wanted to join but you know…”

I said, no, I don’t know fuckstick. What are we suddenly brothers all of a sudden? You thought about cutting off enemy heads while I was actually doing it? I don’t think so dickwad.

So anyway — back to your original question. The answer is absolutely. You can come on over. Go down to your nearest recruiting office, sign up for the National Guard. You’ll have to shave your beard but luckily you can continue to be a fat-ass and the terrorist hunting permit sticker on the back of your truck will now be valid.


Got a question for the Top? Submit yours anonymously — whatever it is — to [email protected] and it may be answered next!

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  1. I remember chewing out a Captain about some of the stupid shit he was trying to do when he said he was going to talk to the CO about what I said. Sure enough, I was called into the Lt Cols office along with the CPT and the old man asked me to confirm what I told this…officer. After the confirmation, the commander proceeded to chew out the captain about listening to the senior NCOs and following their advice. I am proud to say that I did NOT rub the captains nose in it!

  2. In reply to Hand Solo’s question to the Ask Top, I wouldn’t recommend CLP for doin the “knuckle shuffle on the piss pump”. I would use some GAA {Grease-Automotive-Artilery} wrapped in a rag soaked in JP4.That way you can get the full “jumpin jack flash” action goin on….Just my .02…..

  3. Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that I have truly loved browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing in your feed and I am hoping you write again very soon!

    • Cool – enjoy! I wish I had thought of this years ago – the crew who run this are gifted and talented operators all – and that is the straight dope! BTW – the comments are almost as entertaining as the lead-ups . . .

  4. The problem is, that 2LTs take themselves tooo seriously. Any 2nd luie needs to respect the upper enlisted people. 2nd Luies are nothing more than kids and need to get some experience, backbone and cajones. Be thankful the enlisted people even look at you!!!!!!!

  5. Yep, and there I was and this is no *&^%, walking through a (name omitted to protect the innocent) battalion area with another 2LT . . . We were shocked when a gaggle of soldiers (in PT gear) walked past us without even the common courtesy to render a greeting of the day or hand salute – I mean, I was so flamed, smoke was exiting my ears – still we let that pass, until the next gaggle did exactly the same thing – ‘that does it – hey you – soldier – who do you belong to?’ and before long myself and the other 2LT were in the orderly room of that Company (and no, noone called the room to attention when we entered, etc.). A friendly and helpful SFC (E7) attempted to OPD (officer professional development) myself and the other 2LT – to which I responded in an equally helpful way – why don’t you stand at attention and hold that . . . Perhaps I should have listened to my inside voice as it was not even an hour later when that same phrase was being used on me, by my Company Commander (after he got a call from the Battalion Commander asking why his 2LTs had so much time on thier hands that they could attempt corrective training activities in someone else’s battalion area). Needless to say, a good time was had by all and a valuable lesson about courtesy and ettiquette was learned. Rub that gold bar long enough, it turns silver, keep rubbing and it becomes fruitful and multiplies!

  6. I still love locking up top when I see him…my Gold bar reflecting in the hatred of his eye. I know I shouldn’t taunt him, but who else is going to let him know who is really in charge? O-1 does in fact outrank E-8. He really hates it when Muffin visits me at work…she just bought a new Multicam purse with S-9 rank on it, because I’m sorry but I am an officer she need not wait for higher rank to come out.

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