Connect with us

Marine Corps

Afghan Army Responds to Corpse Desecration, Mentors US Troops On Culture

Published

on

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – Several months after Americans first saw a video of Scout Snipers from 3rd Battalion 2nd Marines urinating on a group of dead Taliban, a group of Afghan soldiers is now teaching US Marines about Afghan culture to ensure similar incidents never happen again.

“We were deeply saddened by what we saw in that video,” said Maj Jagran Akhtar of the Afghan National Army, through an interpreter to a seated crowd of young Marines. “Here were the United States Marines, who claimed to be the most professional fighting force in the world, and yet they did not even know how to properly desecrate an enemy corpse.”

Akhtar then looked down and slowly shook his head.  “I mean, they could have cut the nuts off and put them in the corpses’ mouths, or even just thrown them on a pile of burning tires.  But then, that is why we are here today…to share what we know with our friends the Marines,” continued Akhtar, smiling broadly.

Major Akhtar is the officer in charge of the Afghan National Army’s first Desecration Trainer Team, or DTT, tasked with teaching American military personnel proper Afghan body-defiling techniques.  Every day, Marines eager to learn more about Afghanistan’s rich culture of desecrating enemy corpses gather around Akhtar, a veteran of Afghanistan’s 1980s war with the Soviet Union, to listen to his tricks of the trade from over 30 years of experience.

“Hanging a body from something and dousing it in petroleum, then setting it on fire — this is your safe zone. When in doubt, you can always get back to basics with that. And really, there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Much of what you do will simply be devising subtle variations on this one basic theme.”

“Yes, a question?” said Akhtar, pausing to call on a Marine with a raised hand.

“Like using the corpse’s own intestines to hang it before you set it on fire?” asked LCpl Jason Tate, of Brattleboro, Vermont.

“See, this guy gets it,” said Akhtar, bending forward to give Tate a high five.

“Never underestimate the importance of symbolism,” continued Akhtar, “because that’s where you Americans get into trouble with our culture. I mean, Nazi flags?  Do you see any Jews around here?  Of course not!  We didn’t even know that there had been one world war until the story about that flag came out, so how is a Nazi flag going to offend, much less intimidate, us?  You must always ask yourself, ‘what does this mean to my enemy?’ to avoid such embarrassing and amateur mistakes.”

A traditional Afghan corpse desecration festival

A traditional Afghan corpse desecration festival

“Expanding upon this idea, you don’t want to confuse anti-Afghan or anti-Islamic symbolism with anti-Taliban symbolism.  Also, don’t feel like you must always use big political and religious ideas.  You can make strong statements that are much more personal or topical. For instance, when a Taliban official came to [the district of] Delaram and announced a tax on the opium crop, we stuffed his mouth and ass with poppies before hanging him in the square and setting him on fire. Yes, another question?”

“Yeah, does the symbolism also extend to what you hang them from before setting them on fire?”, asked Sgt Casey Porter of Crete, Nebraska.

“An excellent question,” beamed Maj Akhtar, “it most definitely does.”

“So, beyond hanging bodies and lighting them on fire, what do you think of, say, chopping off heads?” asked Sgt Porter, looking up from his notes.

“Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” said Akhtar, who looked around in confusion at the laughing Marines until the interpreter explained the pun he had inadvertently made when his response was translated.

“To answer your question,” continued Akhtar, after the laughter died down, “that’s at the level of shooting down the Devil’s chariot, and you’re still at the level of firing rockets at the airport. Yes, I once peeled a man’s skin up over his head and tied it in a knot using only his own pocketknife, but that was after many years of routine hangings and burnings.”

Noting Sgt Porter’s dejected expression, Akhtar then added, “But if it does come up, just apply what you’ve already learned.  The question isn’t whether or not to chop off heads, it’s what you do with the head after chopping it off. Again, symbolism is everything.”

Several hours later, media were invited to accompany Maj Akhtar as he reviewed the results of a practical application on the bodies of a dead Taliban mortar team to test the Marines’ comprehension.

‎”Let’s look at what you came up with. Okay, Staff Sergeant Sheppard, you took a picture of yourself shitting in the corpse’s mouth while you smile and give a thumbs up. Quite frankly, I’m disappointed. Honestly, this seems to send more of a message about your sexual preferences than what happens to your enemies. Contrast that with what Cpl Callahan did. At first glance, it seems very simple — he hung the body from a wall and lit it on fire. But look how he’s carefully modified that basic theme to make it his own. First, he hung the body upside down, a simple but brilliant change, as if to say ‘he died as he lived, with an upside down view of the world, for who but such a fool could have fought Cpl Callahan?'”

“Looking further, we can see that he also gutted the corpse like a beast, as if he started butchering it from sheer force of habit.  To a warrior like Cpl Callahan, this was no death to be remembered, but an animal no better than one of his deer back in…?”

“Gwinn, Michigan,” added Cpl Callahan helpfully, as Akhtar patted his student on the shoulder.

“Yet what’s most impressive…what I’m going to remember if I’m one of Cpl Callahan’s enemies…is that even though he hung the body by its feet, he also put a second noose around its neck and used it to hang the base plate from the man’s captured mortar.  This is powerful symbolism. It almost dares onlookers to try and pick up the weapon this dead fool thought to use against Cpl Callahan.”

“It’s like I’ve told you all day”, Akhtar concluded.  “It can be a little funny, or kind of extreme, but what’s really important is that it makes you think.  It’s almost a shame to see it burn.”

United States Forces – Afghanistan (USFOR-A) believes the program’s development is a sign of positive engagement from Hamid Karzai’s government.

“The role of USFOR-A and the larger International Security Assistance Force is to partner with our allies from the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan and develop the security situation through mentoring, arming, and training”, said Lieutenant Junior Grade Keith Goodsell of USFOR-A public affairs.  “But this program disproves claims that partnership with the Afghan National Army is just a one way street, and shows that we have just as much to learn from them as they do from us.”

“Now, what does DTT stand for exactly?”

Dark Laughter is part of the problem, and you can be too. Just type "IKIS" (i.e., I Know It's Satire) at the beginning of your comment on the story, and follow it with a comment that suggests it's not satire at all.

Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

Published

on

ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

Continue Reading

Marine Corps

Opinion: Marines on steroids are all the rage right now. Seriously. Please send help

Published

on

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. – If anyone is reading this, I am locked in the bathroom of the gym closest to headquarters. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but every Marine in this place suddenly just started raging the fuck out, and I’m afraid for my life.

I was pretty sure half these guys were on steroids to begin with, but it had never been a problem before. Today, though, whichever idiot runs this gym put a Taylor Swift song on the playlist, and I think that set them off. It wasn’t even a new one, just one of the standard breakup songs. As soon as the speaker blared, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in,” these guys just Went. Fucking. Nuts.

As the growls quickly crescendo’d into full on screams and fits of rage, one guy took a bite out of a barbell like it was a goddamn Otis Spunkmeyer cookie. I wouldn’t have minded him so much if he didn’t immediately turn and gaze longingly at my leg. A lifter and his spotter over in the corner began to froth blood at the mouth and started smashing their heads into the wall mirrors. They only stopped to lovingly pat each other on the ass.

One of the only female officers who comes here went ballistic with the jump rope, garroting a male PFC who made the fatal mistake of turning his back on her for half a second to piss in his buddy’s water bottle. I’m 99 percent sure he’s dead now. One can only assume I’ll join him before long.

I made it out of the weight room mostly intact and limped toward the bathroom. I had to make a detour through the cardio room due to a fire breaking out in the hallway, and sweet Jesus, what I saw there will haunt me for the rest of my life. One swole-ass NCO from supply was mindlessly doing somersaults on a slow-moving treadmill.

My own first sergeant was using two lieutenants’ heads as sandals while plodding along on the elliptical and spitting on any TV which dared to show a World Cup game. A contractor was swinging a full-size punching bag like a massive fucking hot dog of horror at anyone within reach, and I’m fairly certain he’s the one who TKO’d the teenage girl who works at the front counter. She looked like she’d been lying there for a few minutes judging by the drool.

I made it through to the bathroom, finally. First I tried the steam room, but the mist was already a bit too pink for my comfort. I couldn’t hide in my locker since it’d already been pried open and used to store a poor fucking comm nerd from the S-6. Under the sinks was out of the question – somehow all the electric cables had been ripped through the soft ceiling panels and were sparking near the pools of water.

In the end I made it into the only stall without a limp body in it, which I’m now sharing with the janitor. I’d feel better if he wasn’t side-eyeing me and gripping his mop handle menacingly.

Seriously, if anyone out there is reading this, please send help.

Continue Reading

Army

Space Force seeking applications for transfer to mobile infantry

It’s called the “Cross Into the Black” initiative.

Published

on

By

WASHINGTON — Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command announced today that it is seeking applications from current active-duty Army 11-series MOS and Marine 03xx-series MOS personnel for lateral transfer into the Mobile Infantry, the service’s direct-action combat arms branch.

The “Cross Into the Black” initiative seeks to recruit current infantry soldiers and Marines to take their ground combat skills to the interstellar battle space.

“Our goal is to be able to rapidly field an initial corps of trained warfighters who will then be able to train the next generation of mobile infantry,” said Space Force Lt. Col. John Rico. “Our troopers will be prepared to deal with anything, from the gritty hell of face-to-face combat, to the potentially awkward moral dilemmas that may arise from railing out your smoking-hot redhead platoon mate while you’ve still sort of got a thing for this pilot chick.”

Mobile infantry warfighting doctrine calls for rapidly deployable units that can counter not only Earth-based threats, but also potential attack from non-Earth based enemy forces. Insertion by orbital dropship is the primary assault tactic employed, as it enables rapid massing of friendly forces on the enemy objective and the establishment of a secure lodgment for follow-on operations or beer-and-bang parties.

Mobile infantry units will deploy aboard heavy fleet cruisers such as the USS Rodger Young, the first Space Force cruiser to be commissioned. The cruisers can deploy 32 Viking-class dropships, each capable of carrying one fully combat-equipped rifle platoon as well as four Conestoga-class support dropships stocked with mission-critical supplies including spare munitions, rations, hair-styling products, beer kegs, electric violins, and footballs.

Units are gender-integrated, which eases logistical and supply-chain burdens for field shower units, portable tents, personal prophylactic kits, and other sustainment provisions.

The Space Force is offering transfer bonuses of up to $20,000 for service experience of eight years or more, or the equivalent qualifying time and unlocked achievements in a candidate’s online gamer profile, as an incentive to lure experienced mid-career infantrymen away from sister services.

Applicants should have a GT score of 110 or greater on the ASVAB. Scores down to 50 are waiverable if the applicant has less than 12% body fat and flexible sexual standards.

Would you like to know more?  Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command says interested parties should visit its website for more information.

Continue Reading

Air Force

Pentagon celebrates first successful F-35 crash in South Carolina

The downing of an F-35 out of Beaufort is yet another historic feat for the $115 million aircraft, officials said.

Published

on

f35 crash

BEAUFORT, S.C. — The Pentagon is hailing the first successful crash of an F-35 fighter in South Carolina, sources confirmed today.

Though officials cautioned that they were still hoping for a successful crash under combat conditions, the downing of an F-35 out of Marine Corps Air Station Beaufort is yet another historic feat for the $115 million aircraft, officials said.

The pilot ejected and was being evaluated by medical personnel and the F-35 program office for insight into whether officials could credit the pilot or Lockheed Martin for the aircraft hitting its most recent milestone. The crash came just one day after a different F-35B conducted its first combat strike in Afghanistan against an important enemy weapons cache of AK-47’s and RPG’s, costing the Pentagon only about $150,000 in spent munitions and aircraft flight hours.

“Just as the F-35 secretly outperformed the A-10 in a close air support role in the past, this aircraft has shown it is far better suited at crashing than the F-16,” said Lockheed Martin CEO Marillyn Hewson.

The crash was considered by the Marine Corps as a “total loss” of the aircraft. Military analysts have also used that language to describe the F-35 program’s budget.

The Pentagon intends to buy more than 2,400 of the jets at a cost of the military budgets of China and Russia combined, or $406 billion.

Continue Reading

Air Force

‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

He admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

Published

on

edwin starr

LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

Continue Reading

Marine Corps

Opinion: I am very tired

By Gen. Robert Neller, Commandant of the Marine Corps

Published

on

Good Morning, Marines.

As the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps, it is my distinct privilege to lead and serve you in this unique and essential war-fighting organization. Despite the hardship of this position and the responsibility it entails, working alongside our dedicated Marines and Sailors has been one of my life’s greatest joys.

However, one thing has weighed heavily on my mind these past few years, a confession that needs to be made before God and man, alike. Fellow Marines, I, Gen. Robert Neller, am very tired.

I’m just exhausted. I’ve been doing this shit since 1975, and I’ve got to tell you, man, I’m pooped. I legitimately can’t remember the last time I slept. I think I took a nap in the Pentagon parking lot last week before a meeting with Dunford, but I’m really not sure.

I mean, what kind of shitty-ass job is this when I can’t let my head hit the fucking pillow without some cracked-out aide telling me a 28-year-old staff sergeant in Miramar texted a picture of his ding-dong to a lance corporal and now its on Reddit. What-the-literal-fuck, Marines?

Or how about this, the other night, I was having dinner with my wife — who, by the way, has seen me about four times in the past eight weeks — when I get a call from Gen. Berger, who’s like, hey Commandant, guess what, a 7-ton in Okinawa just crashed into a light pole, and now you have to speak to the fucking Japanese Prime Minister. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

Listen up idiots. I get it. This isn’t a zero-defect organization. Mistakes happen. I’m fucking tracking.

But you assholes — and I’m speaking to everyone subordinate to me, which is literally all of you — need to get your heads out of your buttholes, for… I don’t know… the next three hours.

Just let me rack out under my desk. I mean this. I will call a Marine Corps-wide safety stand down if it means I can take a nap.

Bottom line, Marines: It’s not easy at the top.

So next time you think about drinking and driving or smoking near a fuel pump or breaking into the amnesty box, please reconsider. Remember, protect what you’ve earned and let me sleep. If you have any questions, I’m in the fucking Global.

Gen. Robert Neller is the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps. Prior to his current assignment, he served as the Commander, Marine Forces Command from July 2014 to September 2015 and Commander, Marine Forces Central Command from September 2012 to June 2014. He hasn’t had a full eight hours of sleep since around 1997.

Continue Reading

Marine Corps

Report: Camp Lejeune Marines sandbagged during their sandbagging mission

Published

on

By

https://www.flickr.com/photos/marine_corps/9968157265

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marines at Camp Lejeune and the surrounding area were totally sandbagging during their mission to sandbag areas of the base in preparation for the hurricane, sources confirmed today.

“I don’t even freaking know why we’re out here, man,” said Lance Cpl. Allen Jones, an ammunition specialist with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines, taking his 17th smoke break earlier this week.

“You honestly are going to sit there and tell me a 30-pound sandbag is going to stop a freaking hurricane? I’m no general or meteorologist, but we’re all fucked for sure.”

Hurricane Florence is expected to cause massive flooding over the weekend near Camp Lejeune and its surrounding areas. Potential flooding led Brig. Gen. Julian D. Alford, the commanding general of Camp Lejeune, to order the filling and stacking of sandbags around mission-critical structures on-post, as well as within the local community.

“Since 1941, this base and its Marines have been postured to deal with crises at home and abroad and Hurricane Florence is no exception,” Alford said, adding that Marines needed something to do to distract them from attempting to jump off their 3rd floor balconies while tied to a poncho liner with 550 cord.

“I joined the Marines to serve my country and I guess stacking sandbags is part of it, as much as I don’t want to be out here,” said Pfc. James Ramirez, a supply clerk with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines. “I mean it’s just a hurricane, like we’ll be fine, even if the mission fails, right?”

When asked about the larger impact of the sandbagging mission, Ramirez rolled his eyes, and started to fill what would actually be his only sandbag of the day.

“I’m over this shit,” he said as he threw his shovel into a large sand pile and lit up another cigarette.

As of Saturday morning, an estimated zero buildings on Camp Lejeune had been effectively sandbagged, even with the entire battalion working since Wednesday.

Still, Jones and his fellow squad members were able to sandbag three nearby strip clubs, two bars, and six tattoo parlors, all in under an hour.

“I’ll be damned if a hurricane is going to take away where I spend my weekends,” Jones said. “Don’t ever tell me I haven’t sacrificed for my country.”

Continue Reading

Marine Corps

Marines mop parking lot in preparation for VIP hurricane

Published

on

marine-mopping

CAMP LEJEUNE — With a very important Category 4 hurricane charging towards the eastern seaboard, Marine leaders are instructing barracks residents to present a sterling image, which includes a total clean-up of the inside of their rooms and mopping of the parking lots, sources confirmed today.

“This very impressive hurricane could get a lot of TV coverage, and we can’t have the world seeing a dirty parking lot outside the barracks when the cameras start rolling,” Sgt. Maj. Charles A. Metzger, the base sergeant major, told reporters. “I mean, how ridiculous would that make us look?”

The list of preparatory tasks also includes mowing the dirt and painting gravel.

Metzger emphasized that these tasks were in the best interests of the Marines.

“Everyone knows that a Marine off duty will only get into trouble,” he noted while watching a grown man on his hands and knees pull pieces of broken glass from under a bush. “Even though I can’t imagine why Marines would ever need to drink or mentally escape with a career this good.”

At press time, Marines were being instructed to use dustpans for bailing water into the barracks showers to keep the parking lot dry during the storm.

Continue Reading
Advertisement
Advertisement

Trending