Hawaii Army National Guard Unit Has Luau With Afghan Locals, Invites Friendship, Riots

Hawaiian Luau

FOB SHIELDS, AFGHANISTAN – In an effort to move past cultural scandals involving U.S. military members in Afghanistan, members of the 28th Infantry Brigade Combat Team recently hosted a traditional luau at their Forward Operating Base.

But tragically, what began as a way to bridge the gap between the Afghan people and the Hawaii National Guard unit ended in riots and what has been described as “a massacre.”

Sergeant George Liebman, an infantryman with B Co, 1-158th Infantry, witnessed the events.

“Well, my unit is part of the 28th IBCT, but we’re actually from Arizona. Some of the guys from Hawaii decided that a luau would be the perfect way to create a renewed friendship between us and the locals. It’s some kind of Hawaiian tradition or something. So they put this pig in the ground which had to cook for about 13 hours. Then we went out on a foot patrol inviting all the village elders and shop owners to come to the base for the luau. We couldn’t exactly explain what a luau was, so we told them it was like a tribal festival with lots of food and friendship.”

The invitation was welcomed by the villagers, with over two-hundred showing up at the base.

“I don’t know who decided to put this all together, but they really didn’t think it through,” said Liebman. “As soon as them Hawaiians took the cover off the pig and lifted it up, the locals all started freaking out. Some elder started shouting ‘Harem, Harem!’ which I think means ‘what the fuck?'”

“All the young guys started screaming and throwing rocks. We tried to settle them down, but before we knew it we had a full scale riot on the FOB.”

Specialist Max Garcia believed the soldiers had no choice but to defend themselves.

“Our only option was to open fire. I mean, we yelled ‘ALOHA MEANS FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE’ as we were shooting, but I don’t think anything we said mattered at that point in time,” said Garcia, “mostly because damn, the .50 cal is loud!”

By the end of the riot, there were approximately 50 Afghans wounded and 15 dead.

The local tribe has condemend the actions of the 28th as purely evil and pagan, saying that the US was trying to force Satan himself upon the locals. The pig was left unnattended during the firefight, during which it began to rain, causing a delicious pork runoff to seep into the village’s ground water around FOB Finely Shields.

The 28th has decided not to reveal this information to the village elders.

[Editor’s Note: You’ll notice the unit designation is a fictitious one. This is at the request of the real Hawaii NG unit who are soon deploying overseas.]


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20 Comments

  1. This is great! I always wanted to tune into the Phil Hendrie Show while on a road trip with my Dad, because I just knew he would think it was a real show, and I would be trying not to laugh for the hour or two it would have taken him to catch on. He would have been agreeing with “Vernon Dozier,”or wondering who could stay married to that “Bobbie Dooley” chick. Now I can see similar dramas playing out on Duffelblog.com.

  2. Just found the site, been laughing my head off for the last hour.

    On a serious note for a sec.. My understanding is that pig was not eaten because it could be deadly if not cooked properly (Parasites etc in Pigs love humans as well.) Over the years, this “Don’t eat it or die in pain” became a “god said not to do it” rule.

    Just goes to show the religions who do not update their rule books miss out on yummy bacon.
    We should pity these people, but those with the conviction to pass on yummy bacon because of a ancient (out of date) health warning are to be commended for their faith.

  3. Just so you guys know, I was on location with the guys from B Co. and all they wanted to do was share their love of delicious ground roasted pork with the Afghans. Everyone thought that the whole “do not eat pork” thing wouldn’t matter once the Afghans got a taste of this delicious pig as the meat fell right off the bones.

    • Well, I sure can’t dock the guys from B Co. for giving it a try. But I’d just about bet that it’s all in the preparation of the meat. Maybe the locals prefer smoked pork with some sort of traditional marinade? There just has to be a way to win their hearts! 😀

  4. I’m just glad they decided to use a .50 instead of the Battalion HAARP array. Good thinking, guys! 😉

  5. Has this been verified? There are several things about this that do not pass the ‘smell test.’ First: where did they get the pig in the first place? Second how come nobody remembered their training on Mulsim beliefs and customs? And finally – who uses a .50 on rioters?

    • Well E-ric,
      I do believe that this was an unforeseen clash of cultures. How were some native pacific Islanders to know that mountainous Muslims would be offended by the offering of a hot meal? If anyone should be offended it should be the kind infantrymen who took the time to dig a large hole and prepare the meal in a traditional manner. I say to the closed minded and bigoted muslims of that area to open a book and learn that to refuse a meal from Americans is completely rude!

      • 10-40 There LT Me thinks one might considering having the next Load Smasher Piss All Over the next HUmane Ain’t Tarey an Air Poop Of CHITLIN CRAKLINS them little bugger buff hers just Love so much. Think Militaray & INTELIGENCE can come together on something of this mag nitwit tube, with out it coming out spelled : SITREPNORMALFUCUP ?

    • E-ric, you are perhaps one of the most mentally retarded people I have even seen pass judgement so quickly. I think you need to review some more articles on “The Duffel Blog” to get a feel for what it is about.

    • Duh! You are an idiot!!! Take your own advice. Dust off that encyclopedia and look up satire!

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