Ole Miss Welcomes Student Veterans With Verbal Abuse, Menial Tasks

Student Veterans are increasingly being welcomed into the classroom

OXFORD, MS  — As the Department of Veterans Affairs reports a record number of military veterans utilizing GI Bill benefits, many universities have implemented “veteran-friendly policies” to welcome them into the learning environment.

The policies — such as building dedicated veteran centers and accepting military credits — come as more student veterans turn to the Post 9/11 GI Bill, which allows full tuition payment, a housing allowance, and book stipend to a service member after completing three years on active duty.

But the University of Mississippi has taken veteran-friendliness to a new level with their “Beginning Of High Intensity Classroom Activity Veterans Program.”

The veterans program, which the Ole Miss administration refers to simply as BOHICA, is designed to welcome student veterans and help them feel at ease in the college setting.

Ryan Munce, a former foward observer who served six years in the Army, recently began studies at Ole Miss. At first, he felt apprehensive about the new setting, but with the help of the school, he has begun to enjoy college life almost as much as he enjoyed the Army.

“Basically, I felt out of place when I got to school. Everyone was so nice and friendly, and I had so much spare time I didn’t know what to do with myself,” says Munce. “Once I verified my veteran status with the school though, everything changed for the better.”

The changes were evident during a recent sociology class he attended.

Professor Dr. John Murray opened the class with welcoming remarks.

“Good morning class, everyone please take your seats.” Murray then turned to Ryan and fellow veteran Chris Zarb, and shouted “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU COCK SUCKS? SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND LISTEN UP!”

Ryan and Chris immediately snapped to the position of attention and took their seats.

At the end of class, Dr. Murray dismissed everyone except the student veterans.

“Ok, I don’t know what you two’s major malfunction is, but goddamnit we’re going to straighten you boots out real quick. Now get this classroom swept up and take the garbage out. You’ve got a formation in the Grove in 10 mikes and you better not be fucking late.”

Ryan and Chris did as instructed but were five minutes late for formation. Upon arrival, they were put in the front leaning rest by admissions counselor Kyle Peto.

“I think this stuff is pretty crazy personally,” says Peto. “I prefer to welcome students with kind words and maybe a hug. But the student veterans eat this shit up. I guess they need the structure.”

One of the more thoughtful measures to make veterans feel welcome is an ongoing combat simulation in the center of campus. UM has hired a double amputee to play a wounded soldier to lay in the grass with fake blood smeared all over him. Every thirty minutes or so Campus Police will drop artillery simulators and smoke grenades in the area. The amputee will then begin yelling “INCOMING! FUCK, I’M HIT! MEDDDIIIIICCC!”

“While this combat simulation is startling for regular college students, the student veterans absolutely love it,” says Peto.

As a veteran of the Marine Corps infantry, Chris Zarb was excited that his school was so adamant about helping military members in the transition to student veterans.

“Everytime I see that guy I just go back into fight mode. All the student vets in the area immediately set up a 360 and someone begins Combat Life Saver on the wounded. The school has even went further and put out a SINCGARS radio for the veterans to send up a 9-Line MEDEVAC. It’s really made me feel welcome here.”


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19 Comments

  1. Keep rocking it guys. Ignore the idiots that don’t know this is comedy, the POGs and pussies that get up in arms about it, and posers that feign offense. This is hilarious and I look forward to every article.
    Airborne!

  2. To make it better for Navy types, run fire drills every afternoon, with one third evaluating the drill. Also, have an hour every day to clean a certain component, even if it doesn’t need it.

  3. Fucking sweet. Any word on campuses allowing body armor and weapons? Nothing like trying to cram into a tiny single piece desk wearing 50 pounds of shit and sweating while sitting still in air conditioning.

  4. Is this a joke? If I identified as a veteran and they started talking to me like this, I’d punch the guy in the face and claim PTSD. I expect civility and respect in a school, not the dumb shit I left behind.

      • If their graduate school follows this plan, I’m in. I need to feel like I’ve EARNED my degree. I was such a lazy piece of shit during my undergrad classes.

      • No joke, this is a true story. I can verify it personally. I just started taking online courses to earn my PhD at Phoenix University (even though I don’t have any undergrad credits, they said not to worry about it, most of my credits could be filled with 11B OSUT training) and Phoenix is making this new “vet friendly ” program standard for all veteran students, even the ones who only take classes online! I can’t believe it. I told my student advisor (who has an Indian accent and insists that I call him Mike even though he can barely speak English) that this was bullshit. He replied by asking me if I wanted to sign up for the new Direct TV sports package! Fucking unbelievable!

  5. I wonder if they have a dining hall on campus staffed entirely by Pakistanis where they serve nothing but horrible, greasy food and all the Clif Bars and Otis Spunkmeyer muffins you can eat

    oh, and Rip-Its! Forget you and your 3-can limit sir, they make BDU pockets big enough to hold four of those for a reason

  6. Normally love your stuff. This one didn’t do it for me though. I got out to get away from all that shit. And if I want to see a buddy with his legs blown off and covered in blood well all I have to do is close my eyes.

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