CAMP PENDLETON, CA – After worrying outages at the San Onofre Nuclear Power Station, the White House recently stepped in to demonstrate leadership in a growing California energy crisis.
In an executive order released yesterday, President Barack Obama announced the launch of his new directive, saying that he was “utilizing the unstoppable,” in which Marine Corps recruits are to run on giant wheels to generate energy for southern California residents.
In compliance, the Marine Corps has extended recruit training by six days, adding on an “Energy Week.”
The success was remarkable — with recruits generating sufficient output to power the entire city of San Diego — and overshadowed the output of the nuclear plant even at full capacity.
The program is part of a larger plan from the Navy to invest more money into renewable energy in 2012. The President, along with Marine Corps Commandant General Amos, has hinted towards opening more recruit depots in other areas of the country — squashing rumors that one of the two USMC recruit training stations may actually have to shut down.
“The Recruit Training Regiments in San Diego and Parris Island are only the first step,” said President Obama. “The success we have seen here shows us that the amazing energy of Marine recruits can help our nation. The program is designed to be scaled as needed to fight our dependence on foreign oil, and as if to solidify my confidence in the program, less of our ‘Energy Wheels’ have burst into flames than Chevy Volts.”
Most Drill Instructors at the Depot were not surprised.
“I have to say that we’ve all had this conversation before,” said Sergeant Geoff Brody, Drill Instructor in 2nd Recruit Training Battalion. “The DIs know better than anyone the limitless supply of energy we’re dealing with. After these guys work 18-hour days for two months straight they can still usually find the time and energy to get into fistfights in the squad bay. Sometimes I just watch and think, ‘Wow.'”
Leaders placed the additional training days after all final tests but before the infamous Crucible, the 54-hour training event that marks the completion of training and the beginning of their careers as Marines.
“We cycle the recruits in a two-day-on, one-day-off cycle for the wheels,” said LtCol Jerry Coughlin in a phone interview. “As the Regimental CO, I gathered my advisors and we settled on that as the best energy output-to-rest ratio. Their days off are used preparing for the Crucible and doing extra PT if their wheel output was lower than average.”
But the changes don’t stop at recruit training.
“We do know beyond a reasonable doubt that late-stage recruits are the most unstoppable force on the planet,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, “but if this program is as successful as we foresee, we are also willing to install our Energy Wheels™ in existing, non-deployed infantry units.”
With the expensive equipment installation, necessary rise in recruiter quotas, and retrofitting existing units to do similar types of work, many senior officers in the Corps have called for an increased budget, something that had not yet been mentioned.
At a press conference, President Obama hurriedly left the podium as reporters began to voice these concerns.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney stayed behind to deliver the news.
“Unfortunately, plans for USMC budget cuts are still in the works, and are at an irreversible stage. However, we applaud our servicemembers as always for fighting our wars on gas prices, terror, drugs, and whatever else it is we’ve been saying there’s a war on. I just can’t keep track anymore.”
The most recent suggestions by Congressional leaders indicate the next phase of the program may be to power Forward Operating Bases by attaching a vertically-moving level in the latrines, which will attach to a small device and generate force from rapid up and down motions.
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