Ask A Medic is your semi-regular advice column where you can get advice about all those burning, stinging, tingling questions you are just too damn embarrassed to go to sick call for. The advice of the Doc is not to be used as a replacement for seeing an actual medical professional.
“Doc Feelgood” is a former WWII medic that stormed the beaches of Normandy. He is one bad ass mother fucker.
DEAR DOC: Can I get my girlfriend pregnant over Skype? We have been deployed six months and she is three months pregnant and that is the only way it makes sense to me? -CONCEIVED BY COMPUTER at FOB Altimur, Afghanistan
DEAR CONCEIVED BY COMPUTER: Unless your wife has come in contact with some of your leftover sperm submitted during one of your pre-deployment porn marathons, hell no. My advice to you is don’t sign the damn birth certificate, …or arrange for her to fall down the stairs.
DEAR DOC: I think I have athletes foot. My dad is an old school Marine and he said to pee on it. Is there any truth that this will cure athletes foot? -WHIZ QUIZ in Fort Huachuca, AZ
DEAR WHIZ QUIZ: Oh the old piss on the foot trick, haha. Well I tell you what. Firstly no, it doesn’t work, but between you and me, tell your dad Doc says it only works if you also shit on your foot. The results should be quite interesting.
DEAR DOC: Hey doc I have a problem, my left nut has swollen to the size of a grapefruit and really hurts. My command says that I am a malingering shitbag because I want to go to sick call and get it checked out. I have begun pissing blood and I can barely walk, but Top and the CO have threatened me with an Article 15 if I go, and say “all I need to do is suck it up.” Do you think I should go or am I just being a pussy? -BLUE BALLS in Fort Lewis, WA
DEAR BLUE BALLS: Yeah you’re being a pussy, really your balls are the size of a grapefruit, and you’re complaining. Let me know when your little juevos get to be this big. With that being said I don’t think you have anything to complain about, so return to duty, drink some water, and drive on Soldier.