Soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines! Are you looking to get into a hot new fad/insane death cult? Are you interested in looking like you’re working out, but not really working out? Then CrossFit might be for you!

You should know that doing CrossFit is not like your normal workout. Here are some tips to help you quickly acclimate into the fitness program’s unique culture.

1. You need to have a pre-workout drink. Get a clear plastic cup with a metal shaking ball and mix up a big ol’ batch of Muscle Milk, Protein Shot, Crea-Splode, or Kentucky Nightmare BroYoke Mix. Add a shot of bullshark semen to get that extra kick.

2. Wear appropriate attire. as little as possible. Men, wear Ranger Panties and preferably no shirt, but if you do wear a shirt, make it as moto as possible — something from Grunt Style, Inkfidel, or RangerUp about slaying bodies or something. Ladies, wear a tiny sports bra that shows everything but your nipples, and shorts that are so small that people can actually see inside your butthole — but remember to scowl furiously at any guy you catch checking you out!

And everybody, remember, knee-high, brightly colored (preferably mismatched) socks are a must.

3. Use weights that LOOK like they are hundred pounders, but are in actuality just 35s. This will make you feel super yoked without having to actually build muscle.

4. Pay zero attention to form. If you’re worried about proper form, you’re not doing it right, and you’re probably gay and a commie. Why do you hate America?

5. When performing the exercises, lift with your back, not your legs, and be sure to use wrenching, jerking motions rather than smooth extensions. We’re not making a calendar here — we’re making YOU fucking YOKED!

6. At the end of each set, throw the weights down like you are furious at the floor. A proper final rep is only complete when the bar and weights have penetrated through the flooring into the upper mantle of the tectonic plate.

7. Be sure you don’t call it a “gym.” True CrossFit can only be done at a “box.” They may be completely the same, but they’re not at all the same. Calling your CrossFit box a “gym” is a sure way to out yourself as a n00b.

8. More terminology: it’s not a “workout plan,” it is “programming.” Be sure to call it programming.

9. Wear those little gloves with the fingertips cut off like you’re Michael Jackson in the BAD video, even if all you’re doing is wall balls, burpees and rowing. Because swole motherfuckers have to keep their hands soft and delicate. It’s for when you’re jacking off your swole bros in the locker room. I MEAN UH, IT’S FOR BETTER GRIP. ON BIG VEINY DI — UH, ON THE WEIGHTS.

10. Constantly talk about CrossFit. Talk about it at work, at school, at church, while eating, pooping, driving, during coitus, and when called upon to testify before the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.

So with these quick tips, you’re ready to hit the box and do your programming and get a great time on fun Workouts Of The Day, which have names such as Fran, Horace, and Emilio Estevez, which totally isn’t weird.

Happy CrossFitting!

Rubbers. Too many times I avoided the use of a prophylactic. What else can I say about this? The truth? The truth is that the first time you get The Clap is one of the most unnerving experiences of your young adult life.

There was a time when I was young and stories didn’t much matter to me — of course, today is as good a day as any to talk about those old days; halcyon as they were.

All said, there are and have been moments throughout this life where my ability to ignore sanity for the sake of a good time has been legendary. You don’t go through a life with a name like Chadwick Foreshadow and expect to be considered any type of normal. Normal and I are estranged.

The second time I got The Clap was while on a trip through Bangor, Maine. In those days, Bangor was on the up and up as a factory town. Industrial enough to keep some around, but not always.

Can’t say much about the woman I was with back then. There were rumors about her, but I didn’t much mind. She wasn’t going to be my wife. At least, that’s what I told myself. We were along for the ride.

If you ever get an opportunity to avoid The Clap, I would encourage you do so.

Because the sensations are otherworldly. The discharge. Burning. Sensations. Standing above a toilet that should be filled yellow that isn’t filled with much else besides milk. And when the liquid does manifest, it feels as if it is being accompanied by the tentacles of a creation outside of our known universe.

Drugs were most often my catalyst. Can’t say I’m proud of those days, and if I could make a suggestion I’d say to avoid most of the drugs running through your mind right now. The powders, syringes, ground up leaves and chemically sprayed potpourri from the depths of Hell. Have you seen the briefings and the pictures of what these things can do to a man’s testicles if used improperly?

I have.

The fifth time The Clap entered my life was one of the worst realizations. The bender that I found myself on put me somewhere within a desert. It’s hard to remember where or why. But the hotel room could tell you. I’m sure those walls still hold the memories of a thousand screams and mourning as my soul understood that two things were about to start that day: a hangover, and painful urination due to the massive amount of properly conducted hydration the night prior.

Sins are still sins, and I took responsibility for those actions by ditching the room and running away from those responsibilities.

Let me tell you, that was a mistake, because the walls really could hear more than they let on, and those walls had friends of near untold abilities of both clairvoyance and frightful timing.

The screams still fill the dreams of my evenings.

“Don’t hit your spouse.”

“Don’t drink and drive.”

“Call me if you need a ride, but seriously don’t.”

All said through the lips of a clown that did and does not belong to this mortal coil. Blue eyes, blue lips, and an icy white skin tone that was spiderwebbed in blue veins the way my bloodshot and hungover eyes must have looked during the first moment we locked eyes.

The clown discovered many things about me in the months and years after our initial encounter. Enough to now claim alimony, as there was also a marriage involved.

But the ramblings of an old man who has had The Clap a dozen times should not bother you so.

If there’s one thing I could impart, it would be to be safe while going through this life. Because you never know when a rabid dog may try to rip out your throat, or a vampire may visit you in Alaska (I’m told that’s a real thing on some of those military installations), or you may even get struck by lightning if you decide to go boating during a thunder storm. Life does those things to people.

Trust me.

O Corporals! Lance Corporals your fearful week is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the ale you sought is won;
The port is near, the smoke and beer, but soldier loses bearing,
While follow eyes on open thighs, the outcome grim and daring:
But O E-1s, E-2s, E-3s! O the promise of early bed
Where on the deck my troop there lies,
Fallen drunk instead.

 

O Sergeants! My Sergeants rise up and hear the bells!
Rise up–for you the blame is flung–for you will catch my hell;
For you the late night calls and pay the law to bail
For you they all, the requesting mast, their crying faces wail;
Here Captain! dear father!
They’ll beg beneath my head;
It is no dream you’ll swab the deck,
And scrub the brick bulkhead.

 

This Captain does not answer, his lips are tight and still;
This Father does not wish you harm, he garners no ill will;
If the ship stay anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage good clean fun;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, more libo will be won;
Exult, E-4s, ring forty-eight bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the line, Your Captain spies,
And waits with breathless dread

Would you like to have some fun?
Did you, did you clean your gun?
Field day quick and then you may
Have libo soon, but first obey!

Do not smoke it in the dark.
Do not sniff it in the park.
Do not shoot up here or there.
Drugs are wrongful everywhere.

If you drank it in the bar
Do not get into your car
Alcohol is A-OK
But call a cab to save the day

Would you, should you surf today?
Check AFN before you play.
If danger danger posted be,
Do not go into the sea.

A fox! A babe!
A girl! A chick!
Should you, could you
Have her quick?

Ask her first. If she says yes,
Then wrap it first, don’t make a mess.
STDs will rot your junk,
And no one wants to smell that funk.

Get off base and go have fun.
Enjoy the beach, the sea and sun.
Just mind your manners or you’ll see
The CO soon for NJP

The strongest veterans are successful after they leave military service.

Read on and discover the things you need to do in your DAILY ROUTINE in order to become a SUCCESSFUL VETERAN!

1. Wake Up

Whether it’s at 6am or 3pm, or in a bed or on a piece of cardboard, all successful veterans wake up at some point during they day. After they wake up all successful veterans begin to do things that are difficult to do when they’re asleep. Do this every day and you’ll be like a veteran in no time!

2. Masturbate

Whether it’s spanking the monkey, jerkin the gerkin, or slambarizing the ol’ meatjabbing glapperpole, successful veterans pleasure themselves on a daily basis. After years of combat jacks, veterans are adept at masturbating at odd times and in dangerous conditions.

Follow their lead and masturbate with the windows open, in the office break room, or while yelling at women on the street. Masturbate several times a day and you’ll be welcomed into the circle of veterans with open arms.

3. Gain Weight

Successful veterans put on at least two pounds per day. Veterans know to continue their active duty diet of an entire pizza and 2 liter or Coke for dinner. If you’re not capable of causing a ship to list you’re not going to be a successful veteran, but fear not! You can be the guy wearing an XXXXL Navy t-shirt struggling to walk up a flight of stairs.

4. Grow A Beard

Successful veterans were in the military and had to shave every day, so they like to let loose and grow a beard. The most successful show their individuality by copying trends in facial hair or imitating celebrities. Can’t go wrong with the Becks!

5. Take Pain Medications.

Whether it’s combat wounds, chronic pain from ruck marches, or the mental trauma of never deploying, nobody leaves the military intact. Every successful veteran takes a handful of pills to get up and another handful to crush up and get high. Become a successful veteran and get a cocktail of pills from the VA.

The strength of your prescription will be doubled every year, no questions asked.

6. Drink

Every successful veteran downs a minimum of nine beers a day. The truly great have several drinks in the morning, down a bottle of whiskey at work, then drive their kids home from day care. Children of the most successful veterans know to get their daddies a couple of cold ones from the fridge then go straight to their room without making any goddamn noise.

7. Tell People They Used To Be a Big Shot

Successful veterans spend a lot of time at the bar reliving past glories. They prove their toughness and grit by talking people into buying their drinks for free. The most successful veterans make up stories about losing friends in combat. Others repeat funny things their drill instructors said in basic.

Be like a veteran and tell your war stories. Don’t worry if you’re stories are all lies; theirs are too.

8. Sell T-Shirts

Every successful veteran starts a t-shirt company on a daily basis. Designs include, but are not limited to, 35 American flags, bald eagles attacking a man in a turban, or the slogan ‘Veteran. FUCK OFF.’

Many successful veterans steal a design from another store, change ‘Ft. Benning’ to ‘Ft. Polk,’ and pass it off as their own. With Cafepress and pity sales from their families, these businesses make just enough for successful veterans to think they’re legitimate entrepreneurs.

9. Make A YouTube Video Of Themselves Holding A Gun

Successful veterans know everyone wants to hear what they think. That’s why every day they’ll film a video of themselves with a rifle. This shows they are the most successful of veterans and people should care about what they have to say.

For best results, have a woman in an American flag bikini standing behind you.

10. Bitch About Political Correctness

This country’s going to shit because everyone’s becoming sensitive pussies, and the only people left who tell it like it is are successful veterans. Many like to complain about how they don’t like things that are happening in an organization they’re not a part of anymore. Be like successful veterans. Be brave and tell the world how you refuse to bang fat chicks.

Now you KNOW the HABITS that make veterans so successful! Follow these simple tips every day and you’ll be A SUCCESSFUL VETERAN in NO TIME!

Now that all combat MOS’s are open to the ladies, there are no barriers holding women back from leadership positions anywhere in the military. But all too often, men in the workplace feel threatened by a woman whose leadership style is too aggressive or has a bias for action.

There are a number of cultural differences in the infantry that the modern girl-grunt (Girunt) will have to adjust to. Here are some leadership strategies the conventional infantry woman may find helpful when she is surrounded by five miles of cock.

Deadlines

In the infantry, making time hacks is important. While a woman in the civilian workforce may have the option of using her wiles or other socially acceptable tactics, a Girunt has no time to mess around.

Civilian Woman: “Let’s throw some ideas out there together about how long we need to work this through before we turn it in.”
vs.
Girunt: “Bitch, I will skull fuck you with a mortar tube if this isn’t submitted by close of business.”

Having Original Thoughts

Women in the workplace often get around their overconfidence by downplaying their own ideas. Girunts must navigate the rough seas of infantry life by making sound and timely decisions, hurt feelings be damned.

Civilian Woman: “Hey, just throwing something out there, but…”
vs.
Girunt: “This is what we’re going to do, fucksticks.”

Email

Gyno-Americans in the modern workforce sometimes prefer not to come across as too pushy, and their email correspondence reflects a remarkable skill in downplaying their competence.

Civilian Woman: “Hi Bob! Do you think I can take a quick look at your progress when you’re ready? No rush! Thanks.”
vs.
Girunt: “GET IN MY OFFICE NOW.”

Conflict Resolution

Disagreements happen in the workplace. With diplomacy and tact, a civilian can communicate her position without creating offense. In the infantry, creating offense is your position.

Civilian Woman: “Wow Billy, I think your idea has a lot of merit, but what if we tweaked it a little…”
vs.
Girunt: “You’re a fucking idiot … sir.”

Correcting Mistakes

Women in non-military workplaces generally have to be careful when pointing out their coworkers’ mistakes or be labeled “a brown-nosing little bitch.” Girunts are obligated to call that baby ugly as sin.

Civilian Woman: “Are you sure this is right? I can’t tell. Let’s look at this together one more time before we present it anywhere.”
vs.
Girunt: “What the hell is this? This is not what I told you to do. If you ever do this again I am going to drive a 7-ton truck up your ass and use your taint as a chock block.”

Sexism

It’s going to happen, and the most often used tool in the modern workplace is the awkward laugh. This ensures at least everyone with a penis is comfortable at work. In the infantry, no one should be comfortable, as comfort-based decisions get people killed.

Civilian Woman: “Ha-ha … um … aaawwwkwwwaaaarrrd! Ha!”
vs.
Girunt: “Let me hear that kind of stupid shit again, and I will rip your lips off and wipe my ass with them.”

The conventional infantry woman knows the path to a successful career is to step on everyone’s dick but her own. Good luck out there Girunts! You kick ass!

By Staff Sgt. Michaela Smith, US Army Reserve

You’ll get a lot of advice in your career. There are so many options, paths, and wickets to hit if you’re going to make it to the senior ranks. There’s one piece of advice I’ll share with you: You need to know what your goals are in your career and stick with them. And for me, that goal is health insurance.

People ask me why I’d stay in the Reserves after my 20 years. “You’ve given enough” they say. It’s true, I may never reach another promotion or have another assignment that I’m excited about. I can say what I am excited about is low-cost health insurance. So long as I serve with honor two days a month, I get 30 days a month of health insurance for the low price of $35 a month. Just a little more than a dollar a day! That’s cheaper than the McDonald’s dollar menu, since I always get more than one thing each day. It’s unbeatable, and motivates me to put the uniform on occasionally.

No amount of pay or promotion is going to get you through the really hard times in the military. For me, deployments away from home, toxic leadership or challenging assignments couldn’t ruffle me. I knew myself and knew what I was there for. Things might be tough, but at the end of the day I have the unflappable confidence that they can’t take away my health insurance.

I’m here to lead troops, and even if you take my troops away, I still get an annual dental exam and a low co-pay on new glasses.

Why would someone sign up to put their life on the line? They say that the soldier fights for the man to the left and right of them. I fight for the man to the left and right of me to be younger and healthier than I am, paying in premiums but not requiring anything other than unlimited 800 mg ibuprofen caplets.

I see these young soldiers running around, and they don’t know what it’s like out there paying market rate for health insurance. I tried the Obamacare exchanges, and not only were they 12 times more expensive, they didn’t give me tax-free liquor. I know a good deal when I see it. You may have not seen the years before reservists qualified for TRICARE, but I did. Let’s just say that the tooth fairy didn’t have pockets deep enough to cover all the the teeth pulled on the drilling room floor before mobilizations.

We live in a golden time, soldiers, and it can’t last forever. Know your goals, and stick to them. Go ahead and schedule that dermatology appointment with a $10 co-pay. It’s your career, after all. Get a spare pair of reading glasses. After all, these wartime benefits can’t last forever. I’ll be gone soon, and so will your TRICARE. Do your best on your watch.

The modern military man has not changed very much since the dawn of warfare. Sure, we have the F-35, ICBMs, and Blue Force Trackers, but men who engage in land warfare are still classically trained warriors who merely use technology as an improvisational tool.

For the modern military man, it is about complying with a code of honor; the etiquette of the “man-at-arms.” An unspoken — yet universally known — set of principles.

1. The modern military man knows just how far he can kick a severed head.

2. Unencumbered by inferior knives and cutting tools, the modern military man opens MREs with his erect penis.

3. Before going out on patrol, the modern military man loads his mags half-full, forcing him to use his Kevlar helmet to finish off his enemies.

4. The modern military man prefers single malt. But he’s not picky.

5. The modern military man doesn’t brag about threesomes. Both of them were fatties.

6. The modern military man has actually killed a baby seal. Maybe dozens.

7. Ever a student of history, the modern military man can quote from such literature as “Aliens” and “Full Metal Jacket.”

8. The modern military man can shoot a yak from 300 yards away with his rigid penis; 50 when flaccid. He is a grower, not a shower.

9. The modern military man doesn’t waste a JDAM. He knows a bullet will work just fine.

10. The modern military man is considerate and timely. When he writes back to elementary school children, he does so expeditiously and tells them in vivid detail about the horrors of war.

11. The modern military man still tips the hooker, even after he finds out she is a man.

12. The modern military man is a humanitarian representative of his government. He always checks the MRE for pork products before giving it to the prisoner chained to his bumper.

13. During coitus, the modern military man knows that finishing on his lady’s face isn’t degrading: It’s a compliment and very empowering.

14. The modern military man has seen fire and he’s seen rain. He has also made it rain fire.

15. For easier access, the modern military stows his “sand wife” with the MRE boxes in his vehicle.

16. The modern military man pisses on enemy dead, but only to avoid tracer fires.

17. The modern military man doesn’t mind a little collateral damage on the battlefield. Or in the bedroom.

18. When asked how many people he killed “over there,” the modern military man will only say he has a tattoo for each one. And if you are lucky, he will show you every single one of them.

19. The modern military man is a fatalist. He knows if he isn’t killed in action, throat cancer and cirrhosis aren’t far behind.

20. The modern military man is nurturing. He knows which hard liquor puts his child to sleep the fastest.

21. The modern military man knows what makes the green grass grow. And he waters it regularly.

22. The modern military man cries, but only when emerging from water in slow motion while hip-firing two M-60 machine guns. And he cries often.

Duffel Blog investigative journalists Maxx Butthurt, Dick Scuttlebutt, Jay, The Wolfman, and Epic Blunder contributed to this report, inspired by The New York Times.