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Army Times: Military Working Dogs Smarter Than Junior Officers


NEW YORK, NY — Military Working Dogs are more intelligent than second and first lieutenants, according to an article to be published next week in Army Times.

The article, titled “Who’s Got the Smarts?” examines groups of soldiers from different ranks, military occupation specialties, and career branches, and then orders them by intelligence.

“We factored in several things,” said Times managing editor Richard Brown, “such as test scores, writing samples, and difficulty of day-to-day tasks. Then we took the data and assigned each group a composite intelligence score.”

According to the Times, the top three smartest groups in the Army are brain surgeons, CBRN officers, and JAG Corps attorneys.

The bottom three? First lieutenants, followed closely by second lieutenants, and then military working dogs.

Pentagon sources have confirmed that in light of the article’s findings, Army brass has approved a policy to award Military Working Dogs the rank of Captain upon completion of basic dog training.

A 2009 study found that the average dog has the cognitive ability of a two-year-old child, which Brown says is perfectly in line with his publication’s rankings.

“A dog can perform basic arithmetic and can count to four or five,” Brown said. “They read body language, have an innate sense of basic fairness, and find their way through the woods. I challenge you to show me a first or second lieutenant who can do any of that.”

“To be fair,” Brown countered, “the lieutenants did display the ability to shit in a toilet and hold their bowel movements until an appropriate time, giving them a slightly higher ranking in that category than the military working dogs that haven’t been housebroken yet.”

Not everyone agrees with the findings.

“I have no doubt that every single K-9 in my unit is smarter than a PFC,” said Army Sgt. Tyrell Wiggins, a dog handler from the 503d Military Police Battalion at Ft. Bragg. “I mean, Sparky here can sniff out bombs and can follow basic commands. I’d like to see a PFC do either of those things. And sure, he sometimes eats other dogs’ shit, but you wouldn’t ever catch him buying a 2003 Mustang for $24,000 and 14 percent financing.”

Brown said it’s unfair, however, to look at one factor alone when determining intelligence. PFCs may indeed act like knuckleheads, but unlike junior officers, they aren’t innately dumb. They can eventually grow and mature, while junior officers must remain forever clueless.

“The data we have suggests that lieutenants are a special kind of stupid,” Brown said.

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  1. I’m still wanting to know if since dogs don’t fly, they aren’t considered The Número Ono’s. Think about this; I lost track but think I’ve got hunderds a howerz up in da wide BLU & if it’s so safe why do they call the places people fly in & out of TERMINALS?! Dogs hands down! O’s & E’s eat it on this on!

    • I totally disagree fucking Sparky cheated on the test, the shit had answers stashed around the room. He also stole the other people’s test and ate them to make them look stupidier and him smarter.

  2. All I can say is that test was some fucking bullshit! Sparky took off with my test and ate the mother fucker so it didn’t count. I tried turning it in, but the Sgt in charge of the testing said that those didn’t look like dog bite marks, how the hell is he supposed to know what dog bite marks are supposed to look like? Like I would have fallen asleep five minutes into the test and tried covering it up by attempting to eat the test and blaming it on the dog…I am a goddamned 2Lt in the motherfucking army how dare he call into question my integrity! All I know is that the test was bullshit and I am going to have someone’s ass, for printing this bullshit!

    • Next time use the tip of the pencil to make the ‘bite’ marks. Oh, and get a dog. That adds to the story. Don’t swallow it then poop it out that’s going too far.

      • Now if I were to have done any of those things…not saying I did…I was a little pressed for time. I tried a little known college trick also learned from I ETA PIE days.

  3. When did a dog have to fake ‘sick call’ to get out of something? Definitely smarter than half of the men.

  4. A dog also knows when it DOESN’T know something and will seek out an alternate means of accomplishing its goal. Since dogs can’t read, that puts them higher up in the ranking because they don’t live by “the book”, even when it’s wrong or doesn’t apply.

    I reject the low ranking given by these so-called unbiased dog haters. Canine > O-1/O-2 any day.

  5. We know a PFC is smarter than a 2LT because they have been promoted twice. However, if the dog can read, which was part of the testing, why was it in the bottom three? I mean seriously, teach a dog to read and look out, they might take over the world.

    • A dog needs a thumb, too. Then it will be smarter than company grade officers and enlisted swine up through Corporal.

  6. Very funny better than the Onion. I passed the junior grade officer ranks relatively unscathed, and was always good at Land Nav. It might have had something to do with being a former NCO and spending some time in battalion FDC in an ARTY Bn. This was BC , before computer. We used to do it “stubby pencil” style.

    • Sir you are SOOOOOO right – we have created an entire generation of young officer who are almost completely incapable of basic land navigation with a map (read = intersection, resection, polar plot), mounted / dismounted orienteering (without a ‘plugger’), are IPB on a real wall map with overlays . . . That by the way is why CBRN (aka Chemical Officers) are smarter – we do all that operational stuff in the TOC that other warfighters take for granted – to include overlays and USRs . . .

      • I take it that you gentlemen and the writer of this joke have never been in an Infantry BN in the 82 Airborne.

        • Bragg . . . No, I did my level best to stay clear of that place . . . I can proudly say that I am a Hood soldier with a dash of Campbell and a flash of Rucker . . . thats the Army, but the story really started at Elliot’s Beach.

  7. I categorically and completely deny the scientific value of SQUIRELL! . . .wait, where was I? Oh well, back to my quest to capture that little red dot.

  8. The study must be flawed. Everyone knows that E-3’s are the smartest group, collectively, in the military. Just look at Terminal Lance’s in the Marine Corps. The DoD would simply cease to function without them. JAG Corps attorneys??? Please….give me a Barracks or Sea Lawyer any day of the week and twice on Field Day.

    • You confuse Marine E-3’s with Army E-3’s, which are an entirely different species. It’s like comparing humans to chimpanzees, though the Army E-3 being compared to a chimpanzee is an insult to the chimpanzee.

      As for the barracks lawyer, one advised Manning on his upcoming involuntary separation and we see how well THAT one went.

      As for the dogs, a dog is a danger TO a map. A 2LT or 1LT is a danger WITH a map. And dogs have a natural leadership ability, they’ll lead the way every time. The typical 2LT or 1LT tends to exert great effort in making their indecisions and exert great confidence with their nebulous leadership.

    • Barracks Lawyers are the *best*! “Top can’t make you do a GI Party on Friday night!” “Go ahead and smoke that weed, you can always blame it on a supplement you got from GNC…”

      Rad-please do me a favor and call a barracks lawyer next time the cops haul your ass to jail.

      Current JAG/Former Enlisted Infantryman(wow., did you know such things existed?)

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