Casualty Team Stuck Notifying Family Of Marine Who Died Masturbating

Casualty Assistance

NORFOLK, VA — Staff Sgt. Jonathan Barber knows that the job of a Casualty Assistance Calls Officer (CACO) is one of the toughest in the military.

When a service member dies overseas, a special CACO Team is assembled to go break the news to the family of the deceased and then help them through the aftermath and funeral.

“While there’s a lot of sadness involved, you can take some solace in knowing that you’re helping fallen comrades get the respect which they deserve,” Barber said.

Of course that was before Barber got the call to notify a Virginia family that their son had died while masturbating in a porta-john in Afghanistan.

Barber called Duffel Blog as he and his CACO Team were en route to meet with the Marine’s family.

“Seriously, what the hell am I going to say when they ask how their son died?” Barber asked.

“I could say it was in a non-combat incident, but the moment VMU-2 is off River City [Reduced Communications status], it’s going to be all over the news.”

The deceased Marine was a member of Marine Unmanned Aerial Vehicle Squadron 2 (VMU-2) at Camp Leatherneck in Afghanistan, and was found dead this afternoon in a porta john in a state of obvious sexual arousal.

The initial medical investigation was that the Marine died of masturbatory overexertion compounded by heat exhaustion from the triple-digit temperature.

His name is being withheld until his family is notified, but Duffel Blog has learned it rhymes with “Tater.”

“His commanding officer told me the Marine wasn’t even masturbating to porn in there. It was just a video of some Serbian guy hitting women with a shovel,” complained Barber. “Oh Jesus! His father’s a retired General too!”

“Remember when that one father set fire to the CACO team’s van?” asked CACO Member Cpl. Chris Zia. “That’s the only way this could get worse.”

“No,” replied Barber. “Remember when that one guy stepped on the 300 lb pressure plate IED meant to take out a tank? Every time they found a body part we had to go back and notify his family.”

“Oh yeah,” said Zia. “I swear to God, we were over there for the next two months.”

“‘Sorry to bother you again, but we just found your son’s left big toe.'”

In a related story, the Supply Officer for VMU-2 is soliciting ideas for what sort of letter he should include with the deceased Marine’s possessions, which include a terabyte of explicit pornography, two fleshlights, and a string of anal beads.


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29 Comments

  1. Me thinks I’ve figgerd ouch this! THAT OVER CUMMING WILL KILL YO ASS! Adapt That! How’m I doin LT?
    Ssgt USAF over come that also! LT SIR ! I’m just trolling along, by moonlight bay. When you hear the LT SHOUTING u here him say ” I am THIER leader they must follow me. But not to the whacky doodle room! Gimme back my beads bitch, clean or not, I’M NEXXXT!

  2. FOB Spiecher Iraq,

    I came upon a group of individuals waiting in line at the port-o-pot. They were all grouped around and were not going anywhere. I asked what was going on. It seems that a young man had decided to enjoy some private time but forgot to secure the door. Someone opened the door and saw what was happening but did not see WHO it was. So a group swiftly gathered to see WHO that fast handed bandit was and he was not about to leave in front of that crowd. However it was quickly getting on to 110 degrees and he was not coming out so the Commander made everyone leave because the kid was going to die if they did not let him out.

  3. Had to go back to family every time they found a piece of a guy…seriously where do you guys come up with this stuff. Yet another great story by TDB. this is quickly becoming my favorite website.

  4. You all know this website is something called “Satire” right?

    Google that if you are still trying to figure out what that means.

  5. And just where the hell was his ‘battle buddy’ when this occured?!? Someone has got to be held accountable for this gross negligence on the part of his buddy and CO. At least he was wearing his reflective belt…

  6. Not the same tory, but when I was shipping stuff back to the states from Iraq last time, I asked the SGT who was inspecting my items what was the strangest thing he found. He said “Well, i wouldn’t call it strange, but I did find a penis pump in one guy’s things. He swore to me that it was actually a hookah. We argued for a bit, but I finally told him that if he puts his mouth on it, I will let him ship it no questions asked. He didn’t end up shipping it.” I wondered if there was any regulations stating you could send your pump back to the states, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

    • Had a customs inspection on a foot locker belonging to one of our Lt’s (female) that had a large purple phalus for self enjoyment. we took turns signing the inspection validation so she would know how many people were now “in the know”.

  7. “It was just a video of some Serbian guy hitting women with a shovel.” Holy shit, thanks for the out loud laugh in quiet Cubicle Ville. Now I have to explain what’s so funny about that.

    P.S. How can I get a copy of some of that Serbian Shovel Snuff?

  8. Once again my monitor has paid the price for me reading reading a funny story. You guys are the bright spot in my morning, after my coffee. Keep it up

  9. You know, that goes to show how low our society, and more so the press, has stooped to sensationalize the death of a US soldier. These are young men, away from home, their hormones raging, yes most might masturbate now and again! I see no reason why this had to be made public, shame on those who put it out there. This young man was serving our country, give him the respect he deserves. I wish someone could fix stupid!!

    • Well I know I was in the shitter next to him waiting for the video, could you imagine the shame it would have been on my family if I would have passed while beating off to that? Luckily, there is this Thai girly boy that works in the MWR I could think about while I waited.

    • Paul,
      The Army is working on fixing stupid, and we have spent over 12 million dollars and countless man hours on just this endevour. Please be patient with us as fixing stupid is a complex process that requires research into just how stupid was broken in the first place. Only then can we determine how and in what way it can be fixed.

    • Oh Paul, thank you for proving just how dumb our society has become. I also wish stupid could be fixed but it’s real tough convincing those that are stupid to get the proper help they need. They just don’t “get it.” Got it?

    • This website is all satire, these are fake news stories meant for comedy. You seriously thought this was real?

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