Medal Of Honor Recipient Invited To Join Crime-Fighting Superheroes

Dakota Meyer shooting

COLUMBIA, KY –Medal of Honor recipient Dakota Meyer reported today that he has received his initial invitation to join the League of Valor, a vigilante crimefighting organization composed of Marines whose amazing acts of heroism have been gradually forgotten by the Marine Corps.

“I was settling in for a nice quiet evening of polishing my gun collection and sharpening my knives, when I heard a muffled thump from outside,” Meyer told reporters.

“When I opened the door with the muzzle of my AR-15, I found someone had nailed a letter to my house with this big ‘League of Valor’ letterhead.  Of course they had nailed it through a Mexican drug lord’s head, so the rest was hard to read.”

According to spokesman Jeremiah Workman, a former Marine and Navy Cross recipient, The League was formed in late 2008 after the Marine Corps began institutionally purging itself of all memories of the Iraq War.

“I first noticed it in 2009 when I was doing an event for my book Shadow of the Sword. I had two PFCs come up to me and ask what my book was about.  When I said the Second Battle of Fallujah, they got really confused and asked if Fallujah had anything to do with Tun Tavern or Opha Mae Johnson.”

“It really hurt at first, but then I figured, hey, if nobody knows who I am, then I can pursue my real passion: a masked vigilante for justice.”

The League is believed to be responsible for countless covert and crimefighting activities on behalf of the United States, both at home and abroad.

It is headed by Navy Cross recipient Brian Chontosh, who disguises himself every day as mild-mannered Major Brian Chontosh, an instructor of Murderology at the United States Naval Academy.

“The nice thing about the League is that it gives us a chance to give back to both the Marine Corps, and the country at large,” said Major Chontosh, while turning arch-nemesis Captain Destruction over to police.

“With Sergeant Meyer, we figured we had another year or two before the Corps starts to forget Afghanistan, but after news of the 2012 drawdown came out, we figured we’d contact him as soon as we could.”

The invitation to to the League comes at a busy time for Meyer — who already splits his activities between writing books that blast “TOC-roaches“, helping veterans find jobs after transition, and raising money for children of fallen Marines.

Meyer said he’d already met the league first-hand and was intrigued, “as long as I don’t have to wear a mask or anything.”

“Fortunately Sergeant Major Bradley Kasal told me that you only need a mask if people know who you are.”

Major Chontosh, Sergeant Major Kasal, and Mr. Workman recently drove by Marine Corps Base Quantico, following their capture of a pair of bank robbers in nearby Fredericksburg.

As they passed the base, they noticed the gate guards having an animated argument over whether or not Chesty Puller does push-ups, or pushes the world down.

“Excuse me Marines,” Sergeant Major Kasal told them. “I’m Bradley Kasal. I just wanted to let you all know you’re doing a great job.”

As they drove past, the first gate guard turned to the other and was heard asking, “Who the fuck was that?”


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22 Comments

  1. Paul: I know this is going to be really hard to believe so i want you to sit down for this…. are you sitting? I think there is a good chance that the guy with the name GySgtUSMC might not be smart enough to understand the meaning of satire. I know when i realized it it shook me to my core! I might have puked a little. If he does actually read the definition of…. well anything i am very afraid that his brain is going to implode, so GySgtUSMC if you are reading this, whatever you do, do NOT go to a dictionary site or wikipedia, this world would be lost without real american heroes like you here to defend the people that we are defending, in a comment on an article defending those people.

  2. Dakota’s initiation will be to complete Major Chontosh’s cross fit challenge lol…good luck devil.

      • No. You didn’t “get the satire thing.” If you had, you would see that it is a very clever poke at the Marine Corps who continues to beat the history of Chesty Puller and Smedley Butler into young Marines’ heads while completely forgetting heroes of our current conflicts like Meyer, Workman, Kasal, Dunham, and the list goes on.

        10 years from now boot camp platoons will be yelling out, “it was good enough for Chesty Puller…. and its good enough for me,” instead of the many heroes of recent lore that are doing amazing things.

        Go read the definition of what satire actually means, then re-read the article. If you think we are degrading a true hero like Meyer, well then, there’s not really much hope for you.

    • No one survived that. Anyone who tells you different is a liar. Might as well be standing at ‘ground zero’ at a nuclear test site. Stir-fry is nothing to joke about or maybe it’s too soon to laugh about.

      • I have been off the radar for about a week I need to get my commenting chops back… Cracking wise needs to come back.

  3. I’m sorry but I am not buying this I think they’re just posers. This guy is breaking several rules of a crime fighting super team. First no face protection? Not even a tattoo, cowl, or even a 50’s porn mask? Second, no vehicles with the team logo? No mysterious van, invisible helicopters, or motorcycles that morph into a giant fighting robot?

    And I see no one following the rules for sidekicks. Where’s the dog rescued from an Indonesian diner menu? No underage ward in tights? They’re Marines not Navy so we can assume the ward will be a girl but where is she? No I think this one is shenanigans or else just regular crime fighters like the Guardian Angels.

    • Are you fucking retarded? I mean seriously guy! What don’t you understand that this is satire, AKA COMEDY. Please, don’t breed, the world has enough stupid people.

      • Jesus, may I call you that, rather than ‘Mr. Christ’? I’m sorry maybe you can teach me I know you are the only perfect one out there (except maybe Mohammad PBUH, Buddha, the first Buddha, not the posers and Jim Jones).

        What is this ‘satire’ you write about? If ‘satire’ is COMEDY do we always have to ‘shout’ COMEDY? I thought I asked important questions and raised serious issues. Now you are saying ‘COMEDY’ aka ‘satire’.

        Let me take a stab at ‘satire’;

        Prayer to poser Jesus,
        Oh Great and insightful One, show me the way to satire,
        I am an ignorant sinner and only you, Jesus, the One true Lord of Blogosphere can light the way,
        Show me Lord Poser Jesus the salvation of COMEDY,
        Guide me with your mighty Stick of Slapping,
        Mold my shtick with your Adamant Shield of Irony,
        Grant me your favor so that I may comprehend the mysteries of your Double Entendre, Double Take, and Spit-Take,
        Lead me down the path of Parody for your Name’s Sake,
        But lead me not into the tears of Comedie Larmoyante,
        Saint Phyllis of the Diller, Archangel Stooges, Brothers Marx, and all the martyrs and prophets that have gone before me,
        Let me learn the ways of satire and COMEDY.

        There, let me know if I got the gist of satire.

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