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DoD Announces New Inverted Multi-Purpose Ballistic Tomahawk Bayonet (IMBTB)


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Department of Defense officials recently announced the limited deployment of the new Inverted Multi-Purpose Ballistic Tomahawk Bayonet, or IMBTB.

The new piece of tactical equipment is being assigned to a select number of ‘specialty units’ currently fighting the war on terror in Afghanistan.

“The IMBTB is a combination of military hardware in one sleek and deadly package. It was designed to fit nearly all of a soldier’s combat needs while remaining somewhat unobtrusive and tactical,” said Major General John Manning of Army Research, Development and Engineering Command.

The IMBTB has a sharp edge designed for quick chopping motions, a medium sized handle for effective manipulation, and a head which can be unscrewed for storage.  Military officials have said that the IMBTB will initially be stocked with five matches, a small compass, maps, and two gallons of pressurized JP-8 fuel.

“This is cutting edge military technology,” said Representative Buck McKeon, committee chair for House Armed Services Committee. “This is a classic example of looking to history to find new and adaptive solutions to modern military problems.”

The IMBTB is not limited to melee, survival, or storage functions, according to Pentagon sources. It can be attached on the bottom of various standardized military weaponry. Once mounted on the bottom of a standard M16A4, the IMBTB allows a soldier or Marine to fire a 5.56 round 3110 feet per second at an effective range of about 550 meters.

“This is truly a cross-service technology.  Following the general trend of mounting stuff under the barrel of M16s, we have attempted to create something truly versatile,” said General Manning. “Our researchers felt we had reached the limits of physics and reason with under-the-barrel mounting technology. We had to look for less obvious attachment positions. This is the culmination of those efforts.”

The IMBTB is slated for widespread distribution later this year to all support personnel who never leave their designated Forward Operating Bases while deployed.

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  1. “…but it later emerged that the source of that erroneous report was Duffelblog — a military spoof website modeled on The Onion.” -daily caller

    “Aaaaaand I was wrong. As reader Leah tells me, the Duffelblog is the equivalent of the Onion in the military. The problem with the US military is that sometimes their contraptions get so wacky that I can believe anything they say. My mistake, people. Sorry about that.” -gizmodo

    Ahhhh, I love this site…

  2. In other news, the US Army has introduced an officer’s model M-16 for new junior officers.
    The front sight post has “Front Toward Enemy” on the muzzle side.

  3. …On the more serious side… American troops going back at least to the Civil War seemed to show a preference for using the rifle butt more than the “pointy end…” If forced to do without a rifle, an E-Tool was favored by many. In Vietnam, for all the “lore” surrounding the K-Bar… many Marines ordered tomahawks from Ken Nolan and other firms.

  4. Congrats to TDB for getting picked up by gizmodo as a real article! Keep up the good work!

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