Media Excited To Report Sikh Temple Mass Shooter Was In Military

Wade Michael Page

OAK CREEK, WI – The news desks of CNN, CBS, Fox News, and numerous other media outlets across the world reacted with glee today at the revelation that a mass-shooting gunman has military experience.

The shooting at a Sikh temple ended with six victims dead, including the gunman — who was shot by police officers at the scene.

The shooter has been identified as Wade Michael Page.

Prepping graphics reels with mixes of Army basic training and the Oklahoma City bombing, the media was truly excited to mold a narrative of a troubled veteran with PTSD shooting people because the Army made him a “cold-blooded killer.”

“Right now, I’m working on pulling up his military records,” said Davis Smith, a reporter with the New York Times. “I already pulled up something that said he fired a pistol and a rifle in Army basic training. Law enforcement says he used a pistol in the shooting, so it’s quite obvious that the military created this monster.”

Department of Defense officials have confirmed Page’s service in the Army. He served from 1992 through 1998 as a Hawk missile system repair person and later as a Psychological Operations specialist.

A reporter with CNN says that it was most likely war-time service that pushed Page over the edge.

“During that period, we were at the height of the Bosnian War,” said Martin Evans. “We were bombing villages and had troops overseas. It just must have been too much for him.”

The shooter’s records so far do not show deployments to Bosnia, but when asked for clarification, Evans had to cut the TDB interview short so he could seek out a fake veteran to talk about the dangers of PTSD.

It’s also been confirmed that Dr. Phil will be airing a special series to talk about PTSD Monsters again and most news desks have said they will no longer refer to him by name but instead call him the “American Military-Trained Terrorist.”

Graphics are already being distributed across the AP Newswire of his boot camp photo from 20 years ago for use in tonight’s stories — with the caption “Solder’s Extremely Delayed PTSD Results In Domestic Terrorism.”


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12 Comments

  1. They should probably disband the military if is it is going to create killers, the world would be a better place.

    • comments like that auto-warrant a response of “go back to hugging your trees” at minimum. In this case, you deserve the “GTFO out of my country you pacifist hippie communist and stop wasting my good breathing air”

    • What’s the military good for if not killin’ folks? Your head is so firmly up your ass you can probably lick your own prostate.

  2. Of course, when I saw the headline on FB this morning I was sure this was real, but then noticed Duffleblog in the address and laughed. Since the Media was so quick to speculate on the Veteran’s Preference of the Batman Shooter, and practically everyone else that’s done something crazy and violent, it wouldn’t surprise me to have this be completely real. Thanks for the laughs but come on, this one isn’t even a stretch.

  3. Obviously the military turned him into a monster and gave him the inability to tell the difference between a Sikh and a muslim. You know because of the beards and turbins, Seeing how sikhs pray to entirely different gods and make some badass warriors. Dumbass….

  4. NPR is saying right now (1412 Eastern) that his military experience matters little. “That was a long time ago,” the anchor just pointed out, and that he earned a general, rather than an honorable discharge. They’re looking at his possible neo Nazi views mostly. Sounds like you need to upgrade to a quality news source.

  5. Hey SPC Fulton impersonator…I’m retired, 3 tours to Afghanistan….why don’t you get a dictionary and look up the word satire…?..you do know what a dictionary is don’t you?

  6. 101st in Konar. Dear Michelle Lynch impersonator. You’re an idiot- a real soldier in Afghanistan.

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