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Navy Praises Blue Digital Uniforms After Two Sailors Lost At Sea


SAN DIEGO, CA – In an announcement today at Naval Base San Diego, the commander of the US Pacific Fleet (COMPACFLT) remarked that he was extremely proud of the “versatility and usefulness of the Navy Working Uniform (NWU).”

The uniform, which resembles the Marines’ desert and green colored digital MARPAT design, was introduced in 2008 amid controversy over its necessity for naval personnel.

“What the hell are we going to blend into with a blue camouflage pattern?” asked CT2 Brian Nathan, a sailor aboard the USS Makin Island. “I mean seriously — we’re in the Navy for chrissakes. We’re not pulling ninja moves on al Qaeda in the ocean.”

Despite sailor gripes over the change, the NWU was added to the long list of required clothing items — now estimated between 48 and 64 different uniforms.

“If they add any more fucking uniforms, I may have to sleep on the floor so there’s room in the coffin rack for the 3 seabags I need,” said HN Benjamin Rodriquez, a Corpsman who also has the honor of buying Navy and Marine Corps uniforms, bringing his total closer to 100.

Admiral Cecil D. Haney said that despite a few hiccups, sailors liked the uniform, saying that it was able to withstand more wear and tear as well as cover what some call BOSNIA, or Big Ol’ Standard Navy Issue Ass.

“This is the best working uniform we’ve ever had. There’s no question,” said Haney. “Sailors are able to work in a comfortable and durable uniform — and there’s also the benefit of camouflage protection from enemy observation.”

Haney continued to stress the importance of camoflauging Naval personnel at sea, even after a reporter asked “why that matters when they’re on a huge fucking gray ship.”

“Listen, this isn’t just me talking here. We have real data from our boys deployed right now,” said Haney. “In fact, we had two sailors go overboard just the other day off the USS Bonhomme Richard, and no one could spot them in the water. This design is fantastic!”

When pressed for more information on the two sailors lost at sea, the Admiral shrugged off any criticism.

“I’m sure they’re fine. I mean come on, we’ve got swim qual[ification]!” remarked Haney. “And not only that, these bad boys [the NWU trousers] can be used as a flotation device.”

Tragically, TDB learned that during a rescue attempt, the two sailors were shot after being mistaken as an enemy boarding party by Captain Erik King of the USS Haditha.

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  1. They look stupid, and the chiefs don’t like them, because they prefer OTUs. Bring back the dungarees!

  2. I’ve been calling them “suicide cammies” since they came out. Stupidest idea to come out of the brass hats, that’s for sure.

  3. I made a mistake by reading this during lunch. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to blow hot Ramen noodles out your nose?

  4. Ok uniforms aside what happened to the 2 sailors that went overboard did the really get shot by another Navy ship????

  5. Getting rid of the dungarees was a big mistake, especially the denim bell-bottoms. Anyone who’s seen South Pacific knows that’s what a sailor really looks like, who wants to see a bunch of guys in blue camo dancing around? You won’t be able to see the moves, there’s not enough contrast to see the kicks and turns, the bell-bottoms really enhanced that. Now they’ll just blend into the ocean background. Thanks to this stupid uniform, we won’t be seeing any more musicals with sailors singing and dancing while they work, just like it is in real life!

  6. The funny part is reading the subtle USMC asshurt about the Navy going digital.

    The Marines actually licensed MARPAT from CADPAT…that’s right, the CANADIANS came up with this first. It explains why every Marine in Camo (desert AND woodland) looks almost exactly like a Canadian soldier.

  7. Hey – I reserved the right to get lost with impunity – that’s why I always kept a good junior NCO nearby as a driver – they can orienteer with the best of em . . . Oh – don’t forget the map and compass (which we no longer teach young officers to use) – over reliance on technology is the bane of my existence!

  8. Well, I suppose if they all go up on deck and lay down, the ship won’t be seen from above!

  9. A true camoflauge uniform for the navy would be gunship grey with a huge black porthole right in the middle of it so that when the sailor stands still they look like part of the ship. Dressing them in silly ass blue camo makes them look like wannabe retards, and camoflauges them against nothing at all. Smurf looking duschbags. Sorry you guys are victims of general officer bullsit. Please feel free to borrow our gay ass berets.

        • Why would you WANT to find them?
          Privates need to learn to find their way around. Getting lost helps teach them.
          And things work so much more smoothly without a butter bar tripping over things. Hell, I used to make sure our butter bar got a brand spanking new map first thing! That way, he was inclined to quickly get lost and stay out of the way.

      • @Paul – Scuttlebutt is that the Army will be implementing a new system wherein the Pvt./2LT are tethered to a hi-visibility weather balloon before being released into the wild. The USMC is taking a more proactive route, stating that privates and butter bars are “a dime a dozen goddammit”.

        The Idaho Nat’l Guard is taking the Army’s plan a step further: in addition to the weather balloon, outfit them with a helmet-mounted system that automatically detects when they are lost. When triggered, the system launches an illumination flare every few minutes. USFS and BLM offices in Idaho have increased their wildland fire-fighting budgets in anticipation of the increased probability of wildland fires (in particular, the McCall smokejumpers have expanded their ranks and acquired four new transport planes). Army commands in Utah, Nevada and California have expressed acute interest in the new system.

    • Excuse me. That’s HAZE grey, sweetheart. And it’s FLAG officer BS. Yes, they ARE the stupidist uniforms in the history of the Naval Service. All I can say is the stupid Chinese thought of them first.

      And you can keep your gay berets, thank you.

      That is all.

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