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Outrage: Army Announces Officer Promotions To Be Based On Merit, Performance


WASHINGTON, D.C. – US Army staff officers were stunned today after the announcement from the Chief of Staff that future promotions will be based on merit and performance rather than time in service.

A morning press conference was led by General Ray Odierno, who broke the news and answered questions.

The audience was composed of a select group of Majors and Lieutenant Colonels chosen specifically for the test panel.

“The officer corps has always been a middle-class welfare system. History shows that 95 percent of Captains get promoted to Major and 94 percent of Majors are promoted to Lieutenant Colonel,” said a Lieutenant Colonel who wished to remain anonymous. “I’ve kept my nose clean and maintained a very solid mediocre career for 18 years now and only have 2 left. How the hell am I supposed to get a job on the outside?”

Another Major who had reentered the combat-Army after a seven year stint as a West Point instructor was just as incredulous.

“You’re telling me a captain with six years in the Army who’s been deployed three times could be doing my job as a battalion XO or S-3? Impossible!”

General Odierno responded to the criticism.

“We’re not saying you’re getting kicked out. You can still go get your Ivy League Masters Degree and teach 19 year old kids, but I’ll be damned if I put you all in a position to actually affect combat operations. I’m tired of you witless ass clowns getting soldiers killed simply because you stayed in the Army.”

The crowd of nervous and slightly overweight field-grade officers seethed, but the General continued.

“A proven performer will now take your place. Some of these stand-outs will hold down battalion executive or operations officer positions, once they’ve demonstrated their ability to handle the job. They’ll also be promoted accordingly. Just like in the real world.”

A major with 16 years in the Army stuttered while looking at the franticly scribbled notes from his diary.

“I was a company commander for 2-2 SBCT eight years ago! I’ve been in countless ‘broadening assignment’ positions since then. I know these postings haven’t necessarily prepared me for operations, but I can still remember how we did things. Where else was I supposed to spend my time before getting out at 20 years?  You realize I’ve only had 3 years of key development positions and had to come up with extremely creative ways to waste the other 13? This is bullshit!”

The General nodded to his two aides and the burly young sergeants gleefully escorted the fuming major from the conference room. When his feminine shouts had faded in the distance, Odierno completed his presentation.

“Our revised promoting system will allow high-caliber officers to be placed on a fast track. Given their proven ability, if they’re ready and willing to command a battalion after an S3 (operations officer) position-that individual will be allowed to do so.”

Another double-chinned field-grade cried out, “You’re saying I might have a boss who’s younger and has spent less time in service than me?”

The General looked at the man with a chuckle and replied, “In your case I’m absolutely sure of it. Yes, we will promote similar to the methods of a successful corporation. I know it seems crazy, but if someone is better than you, he will actually be ranked and have a level of responsibility higher than you. Welcome to the new Army.”

The General departed to stunned silence as a room full of mid-level officers were left to contemplate a career built on ability and success, rather than longevity. Many wept.

Others had already used their smart-phones to download job application forms for the Transportation Security Administration (TSA).

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  1. Sounds ideal, but this also opens the door for favoritism and cheesers. Is not that we already have them, but now the race to kiss ass will really take off.

  2. For one, just because you were deployed does not mea you are a better officer. I spent time in Arifjan and saw how much fun they had at the swimming pool every day and eating hot dogs for free thanks to MWR. All of them earn their combat patch by spending time at a reasort. Just because you have a combat patch does not mean you have been in combat. Hell i know a lot of officers with no combat patch can can execute a mission and lead Soldiers way more effective that those with it.

  3. I saw the Gen on Fox this AM. He is one fat MF. This clown could not lead one damn leg Infantry unit as the fatty needs Armor.

  4. Darn!!! They found me!!! In all seriousness, promotions will be on merit and performance. The Army has to cut its force. We’ll see promotions like we saw pre 9/11. Well written article!!!

  5. Interesting comment: “The officer corps has always been a middle-class welfare system. ”

    I wonder what the “NCO Corp” is rerred to as?

  6. Ha! I’ve seen similar instances where one lazy E-5 sent to the SSG board and when they were rather swiftly denied, the CSM threw a fit. The one had a DUI on his record, and somehow still got to the board. The company CO called the fact he was even allowed to even go to the board a joke. CSM got pissed, but thankfully the lazy Sgt never got his promotion

  7. Another gut buster! If only it was true maybe we could kick ass in Afghanistan. But like all spoof, there is a little truth underneath.

  8. This applies to senior NCOs as well. When I was a 1LT, I 2/2ed a shitbird E-6 on his NCOER to prevent that lazy POS from ever making SFC, and the CSM had a conniption. Bring all of the LT jokes you want, but growing up with a father who was a first shirt, and two junior NCO brothers, I know how it should be done.

    • Well, I guess you had the developmental counselling forms to back that action up – good for you – I tried that once and did not have my paper trail in order – amazingly, the rating scheme was changed and he got rated by the OPS SGM instead of me – yep – that too happens . . . The ‘memorandum for record,’ ‘calendar note,’ and ‘tape recorder’ are your friends – they will serve you well and keep you out of jail . . . Just sayin . . .

  9. Hey, is this a new article or a story? Tone it down a bit with the ham and put it from the objective viewpoint of a journalist and it will be awesome. Don’t get me wrong, it is funny as hell and hit the nail on the head. Just a a little friendly advice. But damn you hit it on the head. lol.

  10. Loved the TSA application bit!
    Pity you didn’t add in that many majors and LTC’s were filling out applications with contractors that they’re overseeing. 😉

  11. I am an Army spouse. Was reading this article to my hubs in the car with many gasps, laughs and “atiboys” before we realized this blog site is satire. LOVE IT! Also enjoying the comments from those who maybe haven’t figured it out yet.

  12. To all who used it: there is no such term as “reflagged”. See AR 220-5. The proper term is redesignated.

  13. Oh the horrors, the inhumanity, the commoness… now they’ll have to do what the enlisted do, compete for slots! Oh wait, that can’t be true,,, this is a FAKE military news site isn’t it???? {extreme sarcasm alert- but wishing it were true… as usual}

  14. Goddamnit this is not the army I enlisted in! I have been counting on ducking as many deployments as I possibly could and doing the bare minimum and staying in for my twenty so I could get my sweet ass retirement, but now I might actually have to work????? What the hell? Oh shit…

    • Keep your chin, up El Tee! If I can duck deployment and make it to retirement, anyone can!

      • Wow – you would probably not be suprised to see the large (pun intended) number of O6s running around this headquarters with no right sleeve patch – go figure that – how an officer manages to NOT go downrange with over a decade of opportunity is amazing (but not in a good way).

        • CPT..if you are serious about 0-6s running around without serving in combat for a decade….I surely hope that the Army retires them when their contract is up. That is offensive- get rid of them. Save non-op senior level posts for warriors that need to recoup.

          Should be simple…DON’T FIGHT = DON’T NEED YOU (move to FL and pickup golf)


          • You are RIGHT and I was not kidding . . . There is also the culture of sending some of these types for ‘lessons learned’ short tours (90 days or less) where they are in the rear with the gear (Arifjan, etc.) and still draw the tax free, hostile fire, and imminent danger pay and YES, come back with a fresh “combat” patch, and a BSM (Bronze Star Medal) – unlike the Corps (I earned my place at PISC before commissioning into the Army) it seems that we pass them out (BSMs) with the rations (but only at O5 or above) . . .

  15. (2-2 only reflagged as such less than two years ago. Was 5-2 SBCT before then. So …)


    Great stuff, as always!

    – Your friends at SpouseBuzz

  16. I love your articles, and Having to have dealt with Gen Odierna and watched him take a young Captain apart for mispronouncing his name…lol I can actually see him using the language you used. Great stuff, keep it up.

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