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Taliban Commander: Ramadan Not A Factor In Afghan Insider Attacks


Paktia Province, Afghanistan – The rising number of attacks on U.S. troops by Afghan National Security Forces (ANSF) has left many Generals trying to understand why — with some even citing Ramadan as a possible motive.

“It is extremely tough for the Afghan forces at this time,” said Marine General John Allen, the commander of U.S. Forces-Afghanistan. “Especially when they must abstain from food and water during daylight hours.”

Allen believes that the lack of basic nutrition throughout ANSF ranks coupled with the summer heat has possibly “clouded the judgment of some troops.”

“Not so” says Taliban Commander Muqtar Muhammed Sultan, the top leader of fighters in Paktia province.

“We may be observing our holy month of Ramadan, and that may mean we are not eating or drinking water,” said Sultan, “But we still hate Americans. If they air dropped us a crate of hamburgers, we aren’t going to suddenly drop our guns.”

“I mean seriously, what the fuck, right?”

In a press conference following the most recent green-on-blue attack on Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta,  Sultan tried to make his case.

“Look, we’re recruiting new members to the Taliban, then having them join the ANA, then they attack their fellow soldiers. Are the American Generals watching a different channel than I am?”

Sultan also said that he tried contacting ISAF Public Affairs officials, but was ultimately rebuffed.

“I tried to tell them that their 2014 pullout date was a problem, and they were taking inexperienced Afghans and putting too much stress on them during training. The PAO just kept saying to me, ‘Ok Sir. Thank you so much for your comments and it will certainly be passed to my superiors.'”

When faced with the shocking revelation that Ramadan was actually an annual occurence and not a “once every 11 years holiday” as he originally thought, Allen was dumbfounded.

“Seriously?,” said Allen. “Damn it. Maybe we can try to convert them to another religion that doesn’t have any weird restrictions on food intake. What about Catholicism?”

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  1. ISAF should courtmartial all military PAO staff for incompetence, fire ant civilian staff , then hire duffelblog corespondents.

  2. “”What about Catholicism?””……only if we get to shmear them in bacon grease before every Mass.
    (Thank you, Paul and TDB staff, for a much-needed laugh….thank you)

  3. I can’t think of what else is COULD be. Recruiting new Taliban fighters to infiltrate the ANA? What kind of science fiction is that? People of the world just don’t fight like that… it’s rude.

  4. I bet they’d change their minds about eating those burgers if they were from In-N-Out. Not even a dirty taliban fighter could turn one of those things down, no matter what time of the day.

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