FORT BELVOIR, VA – In a surprise move, the US Army’s Program Executive Office-Soldier has announced that it has selected a “revolutionary” new woodland camouflage pattern to replace the Army’s Universal Camouflage Pattern (UCP).
The UCP, introduced in 2004, was widely regarded as a colossal blunder, costing the taxpayer nearly $5 billion. Modeled after the “Urban Track Pattern”, the uniform finished last in PEO-Soldier trials in 2003.
Nevertheless, PEO-Soldier selected the pattern for its new Army Combat Uniform (ACU).
Though PEO-Soldier boldly claimed that the UCP was capable of blending into any environment, practical experience in Afghanistan and Iraq showed that the uniform failed to live up to expectations. Two powerful Pennsylvania congressmen decried the uniform, citing numerous non-commissioned officers who claimed that the uniform failed to blend to the environment in Afghanistan.
After another grueling series of trials, PEO-Soldier selected a new pattern for the US Army — woodland camouflage.
A PEO-Soldier spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity believes that the new uniform introduction is “a game changer.”
“We figured out that the old woodland pattern really was pretty effective, and we know that soldiers will be the best-equipped, best-dressed, and best-camouflaged with this pattern.”
Using state-of-the art digital clothing records, the Army will also save money when it switches to the new old pattern.
“We can use historical hand receipts to see who had been issued BDUs. We won’t need to re-issue the new uniforms to anyone who was already issued them. This will save the taxpayers’ billions.”
Brigadier General Paul A. Ostrowski said that this was an innovative way to “solve the camo debacle and hit soldiers with the green weenie,” which he called a win-win.
“In this age of austerity, we find that we can simply charge soldiers for any uniforms they may have misplaced or thrown away,” said Ostrowski. “Luckily, we can pass along significant savings to the taxpayers by screwing over the warfighter.”
Ostrowski continued, reflecting with a smile on the best ways to field gear to soldiers who will “bitch about it for years to come.”
“We at PEO-Soldier thrive on thinking outside the box. Not a day goes by that we don’t think to ourselves, ‘how can we screw over the trigger-pullers this time’? We weren’t sure how we’d top the ACU mess, but we can definitely deliver when the top brass calls for us to produce more bullshit and call it innovation.”
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