US Army Introduces ‘Revolutionary’ New Woodland Camouflage Uniform To Replace ACU

The New Woodland Camo Uniform During Field Trials
The New Woodland Camo Uniform During Field Trials

FORT BELVOIR, VA – In a surprise move, the US Army’s Program Executive Office-Soldier has announced that it has selected a “revolutionary” new woodland camouflage pattern to replace the Army’s Universal Camouflage Pattern (UCP).

The UCP, introduced in 2004, was widely regarded as a colossal blunder, costing the taxpayer nearly $5 billion. Modeled after the “Urban Track Pattern”, the uniform finished last in PEO-Soldier trials in 2003.

Nevertheless, PEO-Soldier selected the pattern for its new Army Combat Uniform (ACU).

Though PEO-Soldier boldly claimed that the UCP was capable of blending into any environment, practical experience in Afghanistan and Iraq showed that the uniform failed to live up to expectations. Two powerful Pennsylvania congressmen decried the uniform, citing numerous non-commissioned officers who claimed that the uniform failed to blend to the environment in Afghanistan.

After another grueling series of trials, PEO-Soldier selected a new pattern for the US Army — woodland camouflage.

A PEO-Soldier spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity believes that the new uniform introduction is “a game changer.”

“We figured out that the old woodland pattern really was pretty effective, and we know that soldiers will be the best-equipped, best-dressed, and best-camouflaged with this pattern.”

Using state-of-the art digital clothing records, the Army will also save money when it switches to the new old pattern.

“We can use historical hand receipts to see who had been issued BDUs. We won’t need to re-issue the new uniforms to anyone who was already issued them. This will save the taxpayers’ billions.”

Brigadier General Paul A. Ostrowski said that this was an innovative way to “solve the camo debacle and hit soldiers with the green weenie,” which he called a win-win.

“In this age of austerity, we find that we can simply charge soldiers for any uniforms they may have misplaced or thrown away,” said Ostrowski. “Luckily, we can pass along significant savings to the taxpayers by screwing over the warfighter.”

Ostrowski continued, reflecting with a smile on the best ways to field gear to soldiers who will “bitch about it for years to come.”

“We at PEO-Soldier thrive on thinking outside the box. Not a day goes by that we don’t think to ourselves, ‘how can we screw over the trigger-pullers this time’? We weren’t sure how we’d top the ACU mess, but we can definitely deliver when the top brass calls for us to produce more bullshit and call it innovation.”


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44 Comments

  1. Whith the senseless KIAs of our most valued commidy (Soldiers )& the failure to fight the war ,IE just using our boys for movin targets, the IEDs maining & killin us, when all we had to do was get off the GD roads, theses
    E9s & Field Grade
    pizz ants have nothin to do that f**k around with the freakin uniforms?

  2. Screw that just send out a message saying any ol camo will work doesnt even have to match .. Walmart hunting section wiped out in less than 30 seconds clip at 11.

    • Hey no kidding – that was status quo in 2003 – I got 2 sets of DCU for OIF1 and took another 4 sets of BDU downrange – mixing desert boots with BDU was authorized – and – for a period – so was the tan t-shirt and desert boots with BDU back at Hood, then of course there was the green flack-vest and BDU helmet cover worn with DCUs – worked great – really blended in . . .

  3. No doubt they will come out with desert camouflaged body-bags.
    I love the satire of this blog!
    I can’t wait till November!

  4. This. Is. Bullshit. I wasn’t even teething when they had these old-fuck uniforms in the Army. Where the fuck am I supposed to get this shit? My bullshit clothing allowance that covers the SKIRT on my new Blues? Mother. Fucker. All you old dudes HAVE this shit still… it is not fucking fair.

    • now now . . . Mrs. Manners says nice ladies should not use the potty mouth (its that other book that you should have seen right next to the Army Officer’s Guide at clothing sales – Service Ettiquette – get it! Just kidding . . .Try the thrift shop – you might be amazed at the wonderful deals you can get on stuff there – I got a set of Mess Dress Whites at Rucker’s for about $100 🙂

    • Cpt Mold , if you don’t like it get the hello out! you’re gettin a lot damn money just to b&tch.

  5. However, the supply seargents have figured out a way to split the digital signatures in half. Thus, puttine two on the books for possible losses of the trigger pullers. At a price, of course.

  6. Is it bad that the first thing I thought when I saw the photo is “Is that a pistol belt and LCE?” I’m thinking of wearing my old belt to work from now on.

  7. The UCP, introduced in 2004, was widely regarded as a colossal blunder, costing the taxpayer nearly $5 billion

    This is BS. I doubt they even spent $5B on all uniforms since 2004. That’s a lot of fatigues. Still the GIs wore them and wore them out. The pattern didn’t matter, there. It’s not as big a disaster as many have hyped, because camo uniforms are not vastly better than non camo ones. Often, due to lighting and position, it doesn’t matter what your wearing.

    Still, I always had my doubts about the ACU pattern. It always seemed to grey, with the pattern too fine. Woodland is nice in much of the world, but it stands out like a sore thumb in the desert. Look at the old pictures from Desert Storm. What ever happened to MultiCam? I thought that was the new latest and greatest.

    We’ll have another “latest and Greatest” in two months. Just as long as they don’t buy too many, they can change every month. That ought to confuse the enemy to death. 🙂

  8. If anybody is interested I have a pair of rippled jungles never worn, size 10 1/2. Plus my wife used to be in the Guard so you can have her old BDU’s size S/XS, she’s a pygmy. And don’t forget the ALICE packs, time for them to make a comeback….serious inquiries only.

  9. We need to take a page from the Marines and just not screw with uniforms.

    I have had in 29 years: the Texaco fatigues, jungle fatigues (the best uniform ever) , Elvis collar heavy BDUs, normal collar heavy BDUs, normal collar lightweight BDUs, chocolate chips, 3 color desert, and ACUs.

    2 piece Texaco flight suit (OK, wasn’t mandatory, but looked cool), pickle suit, tan pickle suit, 2 piece BDU flight suit, and 2 piece ACU flight suit.

    TWs, old wool/poly greens, new plastic greens, dress blues and now the new mess.

    Green baseball cap, green patrol cap, BDU patrol cap, various desert patrol caps and matching boonies, ACU crap, garrison cap in wool & plastic, saucer cap with and without scrambled eggs, ditto blue saucer, and berets in 3 assorted colors.

    We won’t even get into shoes and boots – hell, I could have clothed an entire OWS camp with the stuff I have had.

    I have read that there is for real testing of five new camo patterns – my only hope is that I can retire before I either have to buy or get issued more stuff.

    • but Sir – you forgot the lousy change from green shoulder marks to black ones so that we could match our NCOs . . .

      • Yer right – also the various varieties of overcoats (one green belted, one black shapeless bag, black belted just like the green one) and jackets ( 2 versions of windbreakers before the baseball jacket so we wouldn’t look like our NCOs) for As and Bs; the Banana Suit PT outfit that shrunk 2 sizes the first time you washed it, as well as the other PT variations – at least the latest version works.

        “Optional” stuff to include the original black sweater that was ganked for the V-neck version with epaulets and the patch for name tag and crest, and the God-awful Mr. Rogers cardigan (some things one has to refuse).

        Oh well, could be worse, I suppose – I have an Army Officer’s Guide from 1942 – there are something like 18 uniforms they had to have.

        • Yes Sir, and all on our own dime – with a one-time uniform allowance that is about enough to purchase half a service uniform . . . Have a great Army day!

          • Heh – yeah, when we first herded into the Clothing Sales they didn’t have either a garrison cap or issue style boots that fit – I had to blow nearly half the allowance just for a damn saucer cap and a pair of Cochrans. At least I wore the boots out, I could count on one hand the number of times I was the hat.

            My only revenge is that I have been issued so many pairs of desert boots that I’ll never have to buy them – I still have a virgin pair from ’91. I may have to break them out so someone can tell me I have unauthorized footgear on…at least we didn’t go to those Robin Hood green boots like the AF, so we got that going for us.

  10. It’s all part of the Pentagon’s plan to help make Afghanistan look like a greener place. It’s too expensive to buy a bunch of trees and bushes, just have US Soldiers walking around all over the place in their crisp new BDUs… problem solved.

  11. Bravo General, for finding ways to save taxpayer coin. Next, I propose bringing back the old, non-polyester PT togs. Never liked tha black shorts, myself.

  12. Dang!! Sold all of mine in a yardsale pre hunting season here in PA!! Ten years of woodland camo gone in about 20 minutes of frenzied yardsale-style elbowing to get to them! 🙂

  13. I may not be smarter than a working dog but something is familiar about this.

    I am actually really excited about this new uniform change. I wonder if I will be able to show how High Speed I am by repeatedly taking them to the cleaners and getting them pressed, because nothing shows how squared away you are by paying someone else to take care of your uniforms. I also wonder if the shoe shine people will open up again, on officer pay I can afford to have them shined to a mirror finish by someone else. You all know looking good=squared away!

    • “and I looked down and what did I see – a spit-shined boot – he’s no paratrooper – he’s a garatrooper” and a chairborne stranger all the way! Have a great Army day!

    • Oh HELL NO! I had a nice funeral pryor, a ceremony, and then I lit the kiwi and burned my black boots. I will never wear them again!

      And since I am retired. I mean it damn it.

  14. Oh, hell yeah!! Daddy’s finna get paid. All I have to do now is track down my brother and tell him I want all 20 sets returned to me. If the Marine Corps would just catch on, I won’t have to have my toddlers remove the service tapes from all of them before I sell them to soldiers.

    As a taxpayer, I applaud this initiative as it’s win-win-WIN for me. Saves me money, screws over today’s warfighters, AND puts some money back in my pocket with the sale of recycled cammies. Pure genius. Who needs Cadillacs and a boot polish kit? Left one is 10R, right one is 9.5, polish kit has 1/2 can of black (probably pretty dried out) and 9/10 can of neutral (probably also pretty dried out).

    • Actually, there was an update after the story posted.
      Apparently, the Woodland camouflage pattern is not to be the old green, tan, brown and black. It is to be safety orange, brilliant white, safety yellow and violet. The idea is a new, cutting edge scientific observation of the uniform causing so great an amount of pain to the viewer, the enemy will be utterly unable to look at our fighting men. This will also save tax dollars, as the Army can phase out all body armor, for no enemy can manage to shoot someone who they cannot look at. Said body armor is to be sold locally at the DRMO at each FOB to the local villagers who REALLY need such armor, as they are unprotected by our modern camouflage.

  15. What? I sold my BDU’s for $5 a set to an army surplus store about a year after the UCP pattern came out. Are they going to make us get the black boots again too? Oh well I can still get a set off amazon for $50. they are probubly going to skyrocket with this announcment.

    • SGT – it is SATIRE! COMEDY! MILITARY HUMOR (for those who know) . . . Enjoy your ACUs, and oh, there is a new set of organizational issue that looks a lot like the USMC MARPAT pattern – so gee – now soldiers will get to look like Marines – and while I am on that subject – how about all those sailors that now try to look like Marines in the new black & tan uniform . . . I digress . . .

      • Sir, I looked up satire on wikipedia. I guess you’re telling me that this article is fake. So is everything on this site fake? My wife isn’y going to receive a rank? A speech didn’t start a riot that resulted in 11 deaths? An Airmen never sent back an over cooked steak? Surely that must have happend I have worked with the Air Force and they are picky basterds.

        • You sons a beetches you better not be questioning the integrity of the Duffel Blog! Muffin will be calling you to the carpet…nothing outranks a pissed off S-9!

        • of course it’s all ‘fake’ but it is the best ‘fake’ news I have ever read – as funny (and maybe funnier) than LTC Placke’s Staff Officer and Powerpoint humor – its on the net, look it up) and like all good sardonic (great word) humor, its dark with a twist fo truth . . .

    • I still have several sets of bdu’s that are in good shape but probably wouldnt be able to wear them due to the fact the original sets would most likely have some noticeable differences from the re-makes.

  16. Oh, if only it could be so – I still have an “A” and “B” bag full of em, plus the nifty TA-50 in woodland pattern (that was out for a year before being replaced by the new stuff), goretex, etc. What a waste . . . Now, if we could just unscrew the service uniform and go back to greens (or even better, khaki’s) and leave the dress blue alone . . .

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