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Airman Receives Award For Bravery After Stopping ‘Green-On-Blue’ Attack

Afghan Soldier With AK-47

BAGRAM AIRFIELD, AFGHANISTAN — Tragedy was averted today at one of the largest US military bases in Afghanistan after an Airman successfully stopped a ‘green-on-blue’ attack.  Following a trend of attacks on U.S. forces by their Afghan counterparts, an Afghan National Army (ANA) soldier was able to smuggle a weapon onto the sprawling base and opened fire on several Airmen standing in a smoking shack.

Luckily for those present, the ANA soldier’s marksmanship skills were so poorly developed that he missed with all thirty rounds in his magazine, giving the rest of the Airmen a chance to run for cover and Technical Sergeant Ralph Johnson the chance of a lifetime.

He was wearing his 9mm Beretta pistol in a custom-embroidered leather shoulder holster, commonly referred to as a “FOB Bra.”

Typically regarded as the ultimate sign of a true FOB dweller — or someone who never leaves the perimeter of their base while deployed — there has not been a single documented case of a US military member actually engaging anyone with their weapon while wearing the scorned leather harness in almost 12 years of combat operations.

Unfortunately for Johnson, his inexperience with weapons and the fact that he had not removed the pistol from the holster to clean it during the entire four months he’d been deployed eliminated his chances to make history.  The rotund NCO attempted to draw his pistol, but the forward sight notch became stuck as he struggled to bring his weapon to bear.  At the same time, the ANA soldier, Private Mohammed Gul Mohammed, growled in frustration while he attempted to reload his AK-47, incorrectly inserting the magazine over and over again despite the hours of drills forced upon him by his ISAF trainers.  As the sirens of the sprawling airbase’s Quick Reaction Force began to wail, both men glared hatefully at each other, knowing they only had moments left to finish their deadly business.

Finally, Johnson was able to remove his pistol and he smiled triumphantly as he pointed the weapon at his foe, a scant 10 meters away, and pulled the trigger.  Nothing happened.  Confusion clouded the NCO’s thickly mustached face until he realized that the safety was on.

He quickly corrected the situation, shouting “prepare to get your virgins!” at the still struggling Mohammed.

Misfortune struck the Air Force NCO again when he pulled the trigger and realized that a magazine had not been inserted into the pistol.  A cold sweat broke out on the man’s face as he fumbled with the rusted buttons on his harness that hadn’t been opened since he first inserted the ammunition magazines almost four months prior.  When Johnson finally removed and seated the magazine properly into the weapon he heard a deadly metallic click. Mohammed had also managed to successfully insert his own 30-round 7.62mm magazine into his AK-47.

Both men raised their weapons simultaneously, and with malice blazing in their eyes, began firing.  Rounds cracked off of the concrete blast barriers, thudded into wooden roof supports, and ricocheted off the asphalt road as distant bystanders dove for cover, but neither man was able to hit his opponent.

Army Private Jared Taylor, a witness on the scene, gave his account of the gun battle.

“So I hear all this shooting and I run around the corner towards the smoking area.  These two guys are standing there screaming at each other from about twenty feet, blazing away.  One was a skinny little Afghan dude who could barely hold his AK while he sprayed rounds all over the place.  He couldn’t hit shit.  The other guy was this fat-ass Air Force NCO who was trying to shoot his M-9 one handed while he covered his face with the other.  I’m pretty sure his eyes were closed the whole time. I’ve never seen anything like it. I just stood there laughing until they ran out of ammo.  That’s when I remembered to shoot the Afghan guy in the head with my M-4.  He was so close I couldn’t miss.”

For his actions that day, Tech Sgt. Johnson has been awarded the Air Force Commendation Medal.

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  1. Wow, the comments almost ruin the article and it was a great article.
    Let me take one stab at complete ruination.
    Forget the entire weapons technicality mess, according the Associated Press style manual, subsequent references to people should only use the last name unless only using the last name causes confusion. For example “Unfortunately for TSGT Johnson,” should read “Unfortunately for Johnson”. Also TSGT is not the correct abreviation according the the AP style manual it should be “Tech. Sgt.”
    That’s how you ruin a great article through comments.

  2. This really happens by the way. Look at the people in front of you at Koehle, no magazines, dirty weapoons, give a shit attitude all over their faces. Everytime IDF comes in the Airforce is tearing across the base with tape measurers to see if they rate a “CAB”. Fuck this place.

    • Back on the Ustafish they wouldn’t let us load our weapons…because they knew that 50% of their watch-standers should never have been issued a working firearm to begin with.

  3. All of this talk about safeties is sidestepping the point. By this account he didn’t have a magazine in the weapon and had to put one in after the fact. It says nothing about him chambering a round in the first place.

    • You mean that it’s a satirical article and some AF pog was calling someone else a pog? Why would they really have to explain every little detail in a satirical article. Let me ask you this: did someone have to tell you to take your dick out of your pants everytime before you piss or did you figure it out on your own?

  4. Excellent article! Only miscue I saw was Beretta 92 has no manual safety for TSgt Johnson to “take off”. However, the USAF issued coffee cup was right on target! Used to refer to all LIFERs as “having a coffee cup clutch with a clipboard”! Most pogues loved to style like they were in combat mode though.
    Defensor Fortis

  5. I thought about joining the Air Force but I wanted to be in the military. (Lex, I hope you understand, I had to swipe that line.)

  6. DocGay-4months and he never pulled his pistol out to clean it.Dam he must have a good job in the stan to keep it clean.I say we should make use of the fly boy’s and load up their planes and DROP THE BIG ONE ON THE WHOLE COUNTRY.End of war,Troops come home.God Bless AMERICA.De Oppresso Liber

  7. This article clinches it….you’re the BEST! LOLOL
    P.S. Have a feeling “TSgt Johnson” will be a future U.S. Senator…..Dem, of course.

  8. Obviously somehow the AF personnel had personally insulted the poor Afghan Pvt resulting in his provoked attack. I do believe there will be an apology coming from the secretary of defense at any time.

    • Obviously; and I think a full investigation needs to be made into why military personnel are insensitive. That Army private should be hauled in for UCMJ, due to his incredible insensitivity, and violating the “Not the face,” rule. Also, we need to create a 115 slide power point presentation on how we can prevent this from happening in the future.

  9. Borderline in really poor taste…..But a well written, and funny, piece about a really ‘shitty’ event that occurs all to often (Green on Blue) I chuckelled and winced at the same time. Our AF Tech Sgt is a fellow I’ve seen on many occassions…..

  10. All good satire must bear some plausibility; sadly, this piece is overflowing with it. Which makes it funny as all get out!

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