JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — After extensive research and development, the Army announced today it would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.
The commander of 2nd Stryker Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division, was proud that his unit would be the first to acquire the new, high-quality, piece of shit.
“It’s a great day for us here. The Army has spent over $50 million in research and development on this new thing that doesn’t work at all and we’re the first to have our soldiers not use it,” said Col. Charles Winston. “The new piece of equipment, dubbed the M404, doesn’t do anything at all and we couldn’t be prouder to have it first to show the rest of the world how incapable this new thing is.”
Sgt. Daniel Legget, a team leader in 1-17 Infantry, has already received several of the M404’s and is tasked with evaluating how ineffective it is.
“This piece of shit — it doesn’t do anything. It’s great. Our unit has six of them. They weigh about 600lbs a piece so it’s not easy to move around at all. We’ve taken them to the field four times already, and each time, they didn’t do fucking anything,” Legget said.
“The M404 is the latest and greatest piece of shit that doesn’t work in the Army, and I’m very proud that my team has been carrying them around for nothing.”
Thomas Burns, an adviser to the Army who works for Xegis Solutions, had a hand in the M404’s development.
“Gen. Odierno came to us and said, ‘the Army needs something that’s new and expensive. We’ve got about $80 million extra just lying around.’,” said Burns. “I just went from there and made a large crate with no handles that weighs 650lbs. The inside is mostly concrete, and the outside is made out of slick teflon coating that’s also considered stealth technology. That’s where most of our budget went.”
Burns believes the “low speed, high drag” piece of gear is exactly what the Army needs.
“This thing, it doesn’t really do shit, and it’s almost impossible to find if you lose it. That’s why we made it weigh so much. There’s also no way to get a forklift under it. It’s really a marvel of modern technology, and they only cost $5 million a piece.”
Although many commanders have reacted with enthusiasm, feedback from soldiers who actually have to use the M404 has been mostly negative.
“What the fuck is this thing? It cost how much?,” asked Specialist Joshua Bryant. “What the flying fuck is wrong with the Army? I can’t even figure out a good way to lift this without at least 12 people.”
Another soldier told Duffel Blog of an incident where the M404’s stealth technology worked “extremely well.”
“The other day we left one out in the field by mistake since we were in a hurry to get back,” said Sgt. Frank Clinton. “We had the entire company on line doing a police call through the training area to find this stupid piece of fucking shit. The CO came out and said we weren’t going home until we found it because it’s considered a ‘sensitive item’. What the fuck is sensitive about it? It doesn’t do anything.”
“I gotta go.. we’re still looking for it.”
Gen. Odierno released a statement saying, “The Army plans to not use the M404 for ten years, and then hopefully sell it to the Marine Corps so it can continue to be useless.”