Army Spends $100 Million On Piece of Equipment That Doesn’t Do Anything

Troops Defend The M404 In A Mock Training Exercise
Troops Defend The M404 In A Mock Training Exercise

JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — After extensive research and development, the Army announced today it would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.

The commander of 2nd Stryker Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division, was proud that his unit would be the first to acquire the new, high-quality, piece of shit.

“It’s a great day for us here. The Army has spent over $50 million in research and development on this new thing that doesn’t work at all and we’re the first to have our soldiers not use it,” said Col. Charles Winston. “The new piece of equipment, dubbed the M404, doesn’t do anything at all and we couldn’t be prouder to have it first to show the rest of the world how incapable this new thing is.”

Sgt. Daniel Legget, a team leader in 1-17 Infantry, has already received several of the M404’s and is tasked with evaluating how ineffective it is.

“This piece of shit — it doesn’t do anything. It’s great. Our unit has six of them. They weigh about 600lbs a piece so it’s not easy to move around at all. We’ve taken them to the field four times already, and each time, they didn’t do fucking anything,” Legget said.

“The M404 is the latest and greatest piece of shit that doesn’t work in the Army, and I’m very proud that my team has been carrying them around for nothing.”

Thomas Burns, an adviser to the Army who works for Xegis Solutions, had a hand in the M404’s development.

Gen. Odierno came to us and said, ‘the Army needs something that’s new and expensive. We’ve got about $80 million extra just lying around.’,” said Burns. “I just went from there and made a large crate with no handles that weighs 650lbs. The inside is mostly concrete, and the outside is made out of slick teflon coating that’s also considered stealth technology. That’s where most of our budget went.”

Burns believes the “low speed, high drag” piece of gear is exactly what the Army needs.

“This thing, it doesn’t really do shit, and it’s almost impossible to find if you lose it. That’s why we made it weigh so much. There’s also no way to get a forklift under it. It’s really a marvel of modern technology, and they only cost $5 million a piece.”

Although many commanders have reacted with enthusiasm, feedback from soldiers who actually have to use the M404 has been mostly negative.

“What the fuck is this thing? It cost how much?,” asked Specialist Joshua Bryant. “What the flying fuck is wrong with the Army? I can’t even figure out a good way to lift this without at least 12 people.”

Another soldier told Duffel Blog of an incident where the M404’s stealth technology worked “extremely well.”

“The other day we left one out in the field by mistake since we were in a hurry to get back,” said Sgt. Frank Clinton. “We had the entire company on line doing a police call through the training area to find this stupid piece of fucking shit. The CO came out and said we weren’t going home until we found it because it’s considered a ‘sensitive item’. What the fuck is sensitive about it? It doesn’t do anything.”

“I gotta go.. we’re still looking for it.”

Gen. Odierno released a statement saying, “The Army plans to not use the M404 for ten years, and then hopefully sell it to the Marine Corps so it can continue to be useless.”


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60 Comments

  1. Dont forget, when your unit gets hem, you must paint admin numbers on them and put them in the Samms box so he troops can do PMCS on them.

  2. The M-404 without handles or forklift ability cries out for a $50 million revision. All military hardware is designed to fail the first few times it is fielded. After another $50 to 100 million is spent on it, it will be deemed a piece of shit and then sold to third world militaries. I suggest the Saudis, Yemenis, Egyptians, Somalis, and so forth. We will have to extend hundreds of millions of dollars in foreign aid to all our enemies to buy this thing in all its usefulness. Then we can finally file bankruptcy.

  3. As an officer I’m sure I’ll be tasked to do useless powerpoints and storyboards on it in no time. True story, I recently trained on a similarly useful piece of equipment which was supposed to be the latest and greatest. It did little more than an ipod, minus the internet, large selection of apps, and userfriendlyness. The price was of course abusrd and it was three times the size and weight of an 80s cell phone. Thankfully I did not get issued one because I would have quietly locked it up somewhere so that I did not have to end up paying for it when this “sensitive item” was forgot about and dissapeared.

  4. I hope they keep pumping billions into the M1 Abrams, Bradley Fighting Vehicle, and never ever replace the M4/M16. Also, for the Marines, they need to “have their own” Ospreys, not use Chinooks, like they do in real life in Afghanistan, as the Chinooks are proven and reliable, and the Ospreys are parked there doing nothing.

    Each service should have their own costly equipment, no such thing as joint-strike fighters! Wha?!

    • Now Now LT…..Marine Generals don’t like Chinooks. The only reason they like the Ospreys are because of the airconditioners that throw Ice chips at you and they get them where they need to go quicker. The only airconditioning on a Chinook is the two big fans attached on top. Plus whatever other window you could open.

    • But LT, the Marines DO have thier own version of Chinooks . . . They are called Sea-Knights (CH-46) and they are smaller, but similiar in design and as such Medium-lift as opposed to Heavy-lift – but I agree with you on the Osprey – a mishap waiting to happen . . .

      • Ya’all just have Osprey envy…that cheenooky thing is a clattertrap…only problem with the Osprey is teaching helicopter pilots how to fly them. It goes twice as fast, twice as far, twice as high…

  5. From some of the language I have seen here, things have not changed since my time in the Navy during WWII.
    So I learned no new words.

  6. DocGay-Hell if the Army wants to buy a usless piece of shit for all that money,see me in the early morning and I will drop a DUCE for them.I will say to them here is a worthless piece of shit for you that has no use.Now show me the money$$$$.De Oppresso Liber

  7. Ah yes, I remember going through our cage and finding old field phones and random pieces of stuff with no identifiable purpose. They were carefully repacked for the next person to WTF over. After all, I believe in tradition.

    • I’m a non-traditionalist. I always laterally transferred them to the 5 shop. They regarded them as now, cool and totally new and kept them.

    • I have a class 33.3 permit, I’ll get BOTH!
      Then, in ten years, sell them to someone else for 17 times their original DRMO price.

  8. We had a little saying when I was in the chair force. ” YOU GOTTA BE TOUGH TO FLY THE HEAVIES! ” Almost to CCT/FAC BENNING BOUND- not no depth perception. Spent a good part of basic in the separation for Airborne Training. Separate the Men from the boys- 3 – 6 wks. Separate Fools from Men- Have fools jump out of Perfectly Good Aircraft! What about HALO AT NITE? No you are gonna fly in them and stay in them not be a FOOL AND JUMP OUT! Nut I am a fool! The FOOLS TOOK THE MEN WITH!! Leg for life! Still did MY JOB! Still a FOOL& cuz when day wasn’t lookin KP FELLOUT CUP A TIMES! Them bad PJ’S and CCT’S AND OH all kinds of FOOLS WOULD ACCIDENTLY TRIP ME OUT OF ALL KINDS OF perfectly GOOD Areo plains! BUNCHA FOOLS I coulda landed on my HEAD or sumtin likedat!

    • Erm, never, ever, ever, ever flew on a “perfectly good airplane”, not even first class US civilian aircraft.

  9. Initially I thought this sounded like a BAE or Raytheon device, but it sounds like it was delivered only 25% over budget and on time. If the contractor had taken either of those companies on as some form of partner, that would have been enough for the British MOD to buy a load as the solution to a UOR which no-one deployed even realised was an R, let alone U. 😉

  10. I don’t know but I think I might have a use for it. If it weighs that much it might be a portable bullet stop.

  11. the great thing is that as soon as they unlock the minibar, Xegis charges the army another 2million dollar “restocking fee”

    • Xegis lost the contract. Now, it’s Dyncorp.
      Lord, but I pity those officers NOW!
      Lowest bidder booze.
      Aka battery fluid.

  12. I am of course taking security precautions for myself while I post this.

    The 404 was named after the 404 ‘not found’ page on web browsers, and it is actually a remote controlled safe with full refrigeration, a micro nucular reactor, microwave, toaster, toaster oven, and actual oven.

    Basically, it’s a fully stocked kitchenette and wet bar for officers and V.I.P.’s

    I know because my idiot LT decided to cook a steak for himself during a field exercise, in full view of the platoon.

    Normally I’d feel bad acting like that Manning faggot, but the 404 is simply a step too far.

    I mean what the fuck are we, French ?

    • Who would deny the hard working officers a few well earned comforts? With all they sacrifice a wellstocked kitchen, pantry and minibar is the least we owe them.

      • They keep a tiny Filipino guy in there in suspended animation (that’s where most of the money went). Yes, it caused brain damage in the lab animals but the little guy gets a bonus if he opts for his full four years spent in the M404. I mean who wouldn’t like maybe dangerous chemicals pumped into them and to live in a box for an extra $1350 before taxes?

      • and don’t overlook the other benefit of being close to the reactor – it’s warm – especially useful on those cold desert nights . . . What’s a little radiation among friends?

  13. If it was remotely useful the Marines would have already stolen, excuse me, repurposed the item. This has to be psyops. Lifting useless crap that weighs more than an engine block shows the enemy that the US fighting man can afford to shackle themselves to useless junk and still whip their asses anytime.

    Or maybe it’s a $2500 toilet seat? Either way the supplier made money and the procurement officer secured himself a civilian job when he retires. Isn’t that what’s really important?

  14. Awesome! I think I may have TEST Rigged 4 All contingencies the capabilities of this Awsome Stealth Tech by incorporating my Highly Skilled And Trained Self as An Aircraft Loadmaster/Airdrop/CAM QUALED/ Rigger Trained Self for the implementation of Said Stealth Tech Back In 1970 and DOD in ALL THEIR unQuallified Expertise declared it TOO STEALTHY EVEN FOR MARINES at this JUNCTURE; of course in regards to the STEALTH TECH used by Uncle Ho seemed to be MORE IN KEEPING with The Geneva Convention and UN you better not use that kind of Advanced Tech on an Enemy made up of Cotizen Soldiers who were Indeed Out Teched By The Awsome Military Might Of The USofA already. So the Bugger has Finally Come Of Age And CAN AND WILL BE used by the USMC to Adapt & Overcome using a now not too advanced Stealth Tech. Wish I knew what I did with all those notes and test data. Oh well, they’ll redo them anyways. BDFB out

    • I always look forward to reading Kevin’s comments. In fact, I’ve been known to scour TDB looking for them. Reading his posts kinda makes me feel like I’m drunk and lost, except in a cheaper and less dangerous way. Honestly brother I don’t think anyone on this site has a clue what you’re talking about… ever. Thank you for the glimmer of joy you bring to my mornings.

      • Yup VA quit payin 4 EM ! Over the years IG learned to use diversification of the rules like our supposed leaders and it’s just made me able to just about ( 80% ) tell WTF gonna happen next! So yup ole Kevin is fuckin nuts! One thing tho I never LIE don’t have to they do enough of it FOR ALL OF US! If I use “I” it is never just about ” ME ” !! And if you transfigure and diversify the wAy the PPubic Slobics but that’s NOT WHERE YOU LIVE you will be considered CraZee!! Even by Other Krazy Fokes!! I’m harmless but I do not play well with others and I do have a habit of running with skissores! I like to Stir the Bucket also fuzz now I no longer have to put up with the 1st 2 initials KP! Yeah Boy named Sue Territory for someone like me! I never did get on my KNEES on Active or in my Civ time! I. ON MY plane I was Boss behind the Cockpit! The may have had the Cock but I HAD THE PAIR back Ther it was my world it was my job and I did my job. Went where I was told to go, did what I was told to do. Didn’t mean I for on my knees and WARMED UP to anyone! And I’m not about to start! So SARGW LET’S LER MY ONE REMAINING BRAIN CELL LOOSE AND HAS SUM FUN ! Dumb not stupid but to many years learning how to tell them ALL HOW TO FO IN LANGUAGE RHEY UNDERSTOOD without being accused of not being DIPLOMATIC AND SHOWING ALL DUE RESPECT. So I NOW CAN SAY FUCK YOU IN LEGAL EE ZEE and not sAy one bad soap in my mouth word but they know set just been told to EAT THE BIG ONE SIR! I wanna play?!?! I kaint hurts y’all frum waze OVE ER hear! BDFB out

        • Oh yeah I even use my real name service dates branch email and the bucket’s I learned to stir 1st? Well they came out from behind these things called Latrines/SHITTERS and there was this little door in the back, kinda like Grandpa’s old longhandlex Under wear with the square Drawer you opened up afore ya sit to shit! Inside that door ( no # 1,2, or 3) all had these 55gal drums cut down that had some stupid nomenclature and proper precedures and SAFTEY manuals and fuel and lighting and stirring and fuck you first sgt leave me ALONE! Boy named SUE. Nope ole Kevin MCQUADE, Kevin P. tell me with my Attitude E10 was 15’d ( no record now) enuf to have made e ten but Kevin + Kevin + SENOIR NCO’s & MOST O’s add in KP and you will cum up with one crazy f’n bucket stirring fool. Just follow along and if it makes sense GET HELP CUZ YOU ARE I SICK M F. LMFAO Thanks Sargw I NEEDED THAT! BDFB way WAY out

    • Sorry, dude, but they’re non-deployable in enemy areas. They’re sensitive end-items, CAN’T let the enemy even SEE them!

  15. Marines would drop it from a helo….silent but deadly (no explosion and they never knew what hit them)! Marines would put a rock on top and call it Myrack! Marines would tie ropes to it and take bets on how many PFCs it takes to pull! Marines would use it in place of Ammo cans for CFT scores! Yes, I believe Marines would “Improvise, improvise, improvise”!!

  16. I love this useless thing. I love forcing the PSG assign the pos to the biggest idiot pvt because those fucktards could lose an erection in a porn convention. Then it is look around the Training Area for days on end…when has an officer ever actually looked for a sensitive item? hahahahahahahhaha

    • LTs never look for sensitive items; they’d get themselves lost doing a “hands across the desert” .

      • WTF are you TALKING about, know nothing!
        We’ve used it a LOT!
        Before, our 5 ton got deadlined over fucked up parking brakes. Now, we use the M404 as an anchor, learned from one of our men’s Navy lovers. Well, we’d NEVER have thought of an anchor before, so THANKS, Mr President!
        And Go Big Army!
        As far away from the front as possible.

    • You should consider the CPT above your comment.
      As most CPT’s have been an LT twice, that says a LOT about experience in stupid. 😉

      • ” . . . Gump – that is the most OUTSTANDING answer I have ever heard – if it wasn’t such a waste of a $*^%^&%^#)#)(%&% good enlisted man, I would recommend you for OCS – you are #$)(*%#*^^#@$ gifted . . .” ahem, rub that gold bar long enough, it turns silver, keep rubbing, it gets fruitful and multiplies! 🙂

  17. “The Army plans to not use the M404 for ten years, and then hopefully sell it to the Marine Corps so it can continue to be useless.”

    I’d say this is true but the Marines will probably find a use for it…

    • Well, you know the old naval addage – “if it moves salute it, if its not moving move it, if you can’t move it paint it” so, it can be used as a high quality paint model, perhaps even adpated for use in ‘additional duties!”

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