Army To Field Mine Resistant Ambush Protected-Walker Vehicle

The MRAP-Walker

RED ROCK RIVER, TX – The Army has recently announced their plans to replace the Mine Resistant Ambush Protected (MRAP) vehicle with an updated vehicle dubbed the MRAP-Walker, or MRAP-W.

The Army MRAP has been the subject of intense defense budget debates, most of which trend toward austerity.  The options have run the gamut of scrapping the 26,000 strong fleet, selling to willing buyers like Israel and Saudi Arabia, or even to re-invading Iraq, with limited success.  However, some recent advancement in robotics technology have offered the Pentagon another means of preserving the MRAP fleet as what can only be described as Mine Resistant Ambush Protected Walkers (MRAP-W).

The initial $5.7 million plan from BAE Systems calls for the retro-fitting of 4 heavy armor fifty-foot legs in place of the already gargantuan wheels.  There were also new offensive weapons mounted into the front of the walker, so as to provide offensive means both forward and underneath the vehicle.  An unnamed official at the Pentagon stated the plan was “the most efficient and bitchin’ thing we’ve seen since the first MRAP rolled off the line.”

The Osh Kosh Corporation is also planning to introduce a smaller Mine Resistant All Terrain Vehicle (M-ATV), a two-legged version for the Marine Corps later this year.

“We’re extremely excited,” said Kevin Fahey, a contractor with U.S. Army Program Executive Office on a recent tour of Red River Depot.  “This vehicle has saved a lot of lives.  While that was its intended purpose, with the mission in Iraq over and the drawdown in Afghanistan well under way, we had to pull out all the stops to not only save the program, but increase the vehicle’s overall effectiveness, and strike terror into hearts our enemies.  That’s a twofer.”

Veteran commanders of the Iraq War are also expressing their optimism.  Major General Rick Lynch explained the original 14-ton MRAP was responsible for saving countless Soldier and Marine lives in Iraq. Due to the time consumed in devising Improvised Explosive Devices to counter it, the vehicle allowed Coalition Forces more time to catch them in the act.  “Think of the intimidation factor alone,” said Maj. Gen. Lynch.  “This will also have all sorts of conventional warfare cross over appeal as well.  I wouldn’t want to be a North Korean or Chinese infantryman, if this thing came stalking on to the battlefield.  That alone makes it worth the exorbitant cost.”

At the troop level, the old MRAP had received mixed reviews.  It’s complex, contractor-only maintenance and increased rollover tendency, not to mention almost uncanny ability to get stuck on undeveloped roads made it the subject of derision — but it’s low casualty rate made it indispensible.  The new design however, has the doubters beginning to see the light.

“We didn’t really use it for situations that would entail contact,” said Staff Sergeant Manuel Ramos, an Army Cavary Scout who deployed to Iraq with the 3rd Infantry Division in 2007.  “This however, could be a game changer.  You’d solve the rollover problem and maybe this trap door in the bottom, with some rappelling line would solve any egress problems.  Plus, you’d scare the shit out of people, so right there, you have more offensive capability than the old design.”

There have been some challenges in the early tests of the new MRAPs.  The four legged variant suffered a nasty accident, tripping over local power lines.  The two legged variant failed to negotiate a rugged terrain course of rolling logs. Neverthless, BAE says it is on schedule to deliver the first MRAP-Ws by Fiscal Year 2025.  Osh Kosh Corp. has said their two-legged variant design will be fielded no later than FY 2020.

In a related story from the Taliban, intelligence officials have intercepted recent purchase orders for far less expensive “speeders with harpoons and tow cables” from Iran.


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18 Comments

  1. After watching Red River completely cannonball 4 out of 5 of our vehicles we need for an upcoming mission, I think this is a great idea. Can we overpay civilian contractors to wear DCU’s and show their beard’s off while they inspect these for us?

  2. Should be equipped with ejection seats in case hairy critters with vines. Also adds to the number jumps for award purposes.

  3. In other news, hezbollah has begun mounting towing winches to the backs of cessna 150s. Expect them to begin coming in from Iran shortly

  4. I’m so conflicted about this article; when I read the headline, I had a mental picture of some old person’s walker all armored up with a mk-19 turret and dual .50-cals on either flank. Then I saw the photo and realized I should have immediately thought of AT-AT’s and AT-ST’s. But now my mental picture includes granny piloting one of those, or the old-person walker with energy cannons. Either way, we should emblazon the inside of the sun visor with “STAY ON TARGET!”

  5. The problem with these things is that little hairy bug-eyed, stone-age bastards can take them out with some jungle vines and a couple of rocks. And you can’t secure any of the hatches. Anyone and their sister can open them and toss in a plasma grenade while hanging from a magnetic grappling line.

    This is going to be another fiasco like the ‘light-saber’ program. Everyone tried to block bullets with them forgetting that you need to achieve at least, ‘junior jedi’ level of training before it’s even remotely useful. Most of them just got lost in the conex and are forgotten now but at one time every ‘boot’ was using them to do everything from opening the MREs to trimming his toenails. Do you know how expensive it is to reattach a toe?

    • some folks just will not learn – never use a lightsaber when a properly applied force choke combined with an equally skillfull buttstroke, smash and vertical slash with a sith warsword will do – remember – the blade is not the only useful part of a warsword . . . there are two types of warsword fighter, the quick and the dead, which are you? Embrace the dark side . . .

  6. Why are we even bothering with these things? If a leg got blown off, it’d fall over and kill everyone inside . . .
    .
    .
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    Fuck it, let’s just build a Death Star and get it over with.

  7. And these are supposed to stop the rebelion? By targetting the Taliban’s infrastructure? Something like the generators that have been shielding them from our drone attacks?

    Sounds legit.

    • I just got a total nerd hard-on. I just want to know what our contingency plan is for the rummored SSBIEDs (Sand Speeder Born IEDs) and tow hooks the Taliban has been amassing from Iran and Pakistan?

  8. Fucking LT’s don’t know shit as usual, were attacking the secret rebel base on the North Pole, as long as the fucking navy doesn’t do something stupid like approach too fucking close and get seen so they can raise the energy shields we should be good to go.

    The best part of that op is that since it’s cold as fuck there anyway, the plan is to replace standard ammunition with full metal jacketed frozen pork.

  9. I am on the team that is testing them in Antarctica and they are working quite well. Our invasion plans for Hoth should be on schedule…

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