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DoD Implements Innovative New Policy to Combat Sexual Assault

Actors In a Mandatory Briefing Portray A Scene Involving the Public Affairs-approved term “Sexual Assault”

CAMP PENDLETON, CA – Legislators and women’s rights advocates are already hailing a new Department of Defense (DOD) policy to combat sexual assault by encouraging rapists to hand out DSTRESS cards to their victims.

DSTRESS is a telephone counseling service and website that troubled service members can contact anonymously.

“For too long the victims of sexual crimes have had to wait hours, even days, before receiving treatment,” said Pentagon spokesman Jonathan Bucher.  “However, under our new policy, they will have the ability to seek treatment within seconds.”

The policy is part of an aggressive campaign, called “Five Minutes Is Too Much”, launched by the DOD following revelations that at least 3,000 men and women reported being sexually assaulted in 2011.

The goal is to increase the timely awareness of resources for sexual assault victims immediately following their assault.

For example, one new awareness picture shows a smiling female airmen with three other smiling male airmen standing around her.  The caption reads: “Tonight, one or all of these three men will try to rape her.  Make sure they have their DSTRESS cards handy!”

In a similar move, the Marine Corps will be turning the Silent Drill Team into the Screaming Drill Team to encourage the reporting of incidents.

Spokesman Bucher said the “Five Minutes Is Too Much” program came about after the DOD concluded there was no practical way to lower sexual assaults in the military.

After several months of brainstorming other possible solutions, such as sexually-segregating barracks, banning alcohol, restricting service members from going to bars, and chemical castration, all were rejected as either unfeasible or unconstitutional.

“One admiral actually suggested a policy used in the Middle East, where the victim is forced to marry the rapist,” added Bucher, although that idea was ultimately discarded “due to the financial constraints of that many people applying at once for Basic Allowance for Housing.”

Also, Bucher said, “we might run into a situation where a male rapes a male or a female rapes a female and all of a sudden we’re endorsing gay marriage.”

The DOD has been struggling to come up with a workable campaign against sexual assault ever since it’s last attempt, dubbed ‘Shine a Light’, in 2011.

That policy encouraged service members not to let intoxicated females go home alone, but inadvertently increased the number of assaults by giving perpetrators a workable set of techniques, tactics & procedures (TTPs).

According to Bucher, the Department initially thought about “just making a flashy video and forcing all our service members to watch it in mandatory training sessions then issuing guidance to our public affairs guys to replace the word ‘rape’ with the less graphic ‘sexual assault’.”

Instead, Bucher said, “we figured we should concentrate on a project that might actually have some impact.”

In a related policy to cut down on suicides, DSTRESS cards will soon be taped to all firearms, rope, and razor blades sold on every military base.

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  1. So, let me get this correct…. Are you supposed to hand the card to them before you rape them or after?? Give me a break…

  2. Let’s not go overboard on praise for this new program. It will probably have unintended consequences. First, you see the picture of the three guys and the one female airman. What about men? Why can’t there be one guy and three chicks? Right there the program encourages discrimination against men. Why can’t men get any love? Who doesn’t want to get gang-raped by three slutosaurs after being plied with Pabst Blue Ribbon, porn, and pizza? I’m not talking about your ‘pizza time’ pizza, at least ‘Round Table’, nobody wants to feel cheap and easy after getting ’round heels’ over cardboard pizza. And at least one of the chicks should be medium hot. Two fives easily make a ‘ten’ but three ‘threes’ do not (do the math).

    Another problem is what if you’ve been serial-groping chicks at a concert? Do you just hand one to each group of chicks or do you need to give them out individually? That’s a lot of cards. How do you have room for the cards and all your roofies, flex-cuffs, gags and duct tape? I know you can use duct tape to do it all but that is so ‘redneck’. Don’t you want to give the impression of a sophisticated man-about-town rapist? I know I do.

    And what if you’ve combined your assault with, I don’t know, say a sheep or a goat, or even a camel if you’re at Camp Leatherneck? Does the card go to the camel or sheep and trust they’ll get it to their owners or do you need to hunt up ‘Haiji’ as he’s planting an IED? If you do find him, report the IED, wait for permission to shoot the momentarily confused ally, and then shoot him, do you need to give the card to the next of kin or just toss it on the body? The haiji’s might figure that you raped the poor bastard either before or after you killed him. That I am sure is culturally correct if you, yourself are a Muslim but does that apply to infidels?

    I see more problems than solutions with this program. They need to rethink this now. Perhaps with beer, pizza, and slutasaurs to demonstrate when and where to hand out the new cards.

  3. Hey it works!

    I saw a guy raping a servicewoman while I was talking to top, and the guy was all “I got my card Top” and showed it to him, and Top was like “YOU BETTER CALL” to her, then walked off.

  4. As you have made me laugh at the thought of a Screaming Drill Team, I demand you now post a photoshopped pic of it.

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