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In Apparent Supply Order Mix-Up, Air Force Gives AIDS To Afghan Village


KANDAHAR — In an apparent mix-up over a resupply order of humanitarian aid to Afghan villagers, an Air Force crew recently dropped AIDS-stricken laboratory monkeys into the wartorn nation.

The air drop — meant to bring goodwill to the Afghan people — instead brought widespread disaster to the Panjwai district, where hundreds of villagers have since contracted the disease.

The incident brings another black eye on International Assistance forces in the midst of other scandals.

“We sent a message over the SIPRnet to request some further supplies of humanitarian stuff — blankets, pencils and books for the kids, that sort of thing,” said Lieutenant Colonel Martin Stringer. “But since we send these requests all the time, we just sent a shorter message with the location.”

The request to supply headquarters read: AIRDROP AIDS // OPERATION VIRAL GOODWILL // LOCATION GRID 82988923.

“Specialist Jones sent the message and apparently he isn’t the best typist. Who knew an extra letter could be so serious?”

Officials from Air Force Materiel Command say they take pride in “always getting the order right.”

“It was a little difficult to get this one out right away. We finally got a hold of a laboratory in Kentucky who had some subjects there for testing,” said Chief Master Sergeant Roger Kennedy. “We just figured it was some new biological warfare strategy. We were actually pretty excited, like we were the flyers of the Enola Gay or something.”

As part of a strategy to regain the trust of the villagers, ISAF forces have conducted numerous Medical Civic Assistance Programs (MEDCAP) in the area — including one with an appearance by Ervin “Magic” Johnson.

“That one was actually pretty good, because we got some great photos to put up on Facebook for our PR strategy,” said LTC Mike Wolfton. “The storyboards for the General really look terrific.”

Despite the mix-up, there has been some good to come out of the tragedy. The disease has apparently gone beyond the village and is ripping throughout the insurgent community.

Through intercepted radio communications out of Pakistani tribal lands, Taliban leaders have said that AIDS has been spreading rapidly through the ranks, apparently due to sharing of unsterilized bomb-making materials and their insistence on a practice they call “Man-Love Thursdays.”

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  1. Say; Is tha fishin alwaze sew gewd roond bouts hear? Bean bawlin in sum whip her snapper(s)! Best Hole Eye dun hooked ouda fir rabbot. tinkle in on Trowlin Hear Fir A Bitch. Shut my Mouth!! Yup, just old illiterate, ranting, raving, rambling, crazy, more more MORE I NEED MORE please. 1969 when the hell was PRE Cable OMFSJCIEBGJAIRHNX! wtf? 3 channels ONLY IN BLACK AND WHITE! Call the Operator to make a Long Distance Call and HAVE TO WAIT UP TO TWO F HOURS BEFORE A LINE AVAILABLE! WTF YOU MEAN DID WE HAVE CARS SHIT STAIN! My bad Broken Down FlyBoy kpm

  2. I completely concer onl all points. Arial Port Sq. USAF Did THIER Job and did it to the letter( s).. The Supply personnel. Riggers, Load Smasher, Pilot, Nav. All seemed to perform THIER duties. As for the unDERLYING results of Good News from Bad. So the FW! It’s just one of the Added Bennies of being from a SUPER DERIERA
    GROUP OF TROOPS! Adapt and Over CUM ( CUM over ) the op POSERING farces in ways that WE DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF! But we adapted and Overcame anyway! HOW’S THAT FOR ” WE BAD “? F’N EM UP WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT! Ain’t that the SHIT!

    • Yes Kevin, that really is the shit.

      And that shit’s why I’m saying we need to stuff C-4 in the monkeys’ manhole and release them into the desert. Even if the campaign only weeds out the rifraff, it will make the smart enemy’s job that much more difficult: not only will they lose their base of trained technicians, it will make recruiting and training the next wave much harder. This forces the organization to spend time and money and effort it can’t afford, and could end up dealing a crippling blow to the semi-organized militia. It may turn into a gory murder and intimidation (M&I) campaign not too dissimilar from the Taliban’s own beheading scheme, but after 11 years fighting this battle we’re still struggling to find viable strategies so we don’t have much to lose from trying.

      The smart ones will continue to hide, the dumb horny ones will continue to die, and I’m okay with that. So long as we sever the legs off the body to prevent them from moving and acting it buys us time to locate, close with and destroy our smart enemy.

      • AAHH MILITARY INTELIGENCE? So that what OXY MORONS ARE: MONKEY FUCKING SHIT BIRDS; That will crossbreed/train With any and ALL FORMS OF BARNY JEEITSHARD anusmals While yelling from THIER monkey perches ” Have you seen my Camel? Someone Stole my Camel! And the Leaders, Some are real bRED ASSES! Bunch of baboons! MONKEY SHIT FOR SHURE! Sounds like OscarThreeKilo Nailed this one rite betwixt the Browneye, not to be confused with a Bronie, cuz we all know Bronie’s gots sparklies that glitter and lite up in da DARK wren da lite HITS DAT ASS!
        Broken Down FlyBoy Dont wants to know: IF monkeys wash THIER hands or THIER bannanas before, during, or after the SHIT FLING DING ALING!

  3. Waitasecond… let’s figure out a way to leverage the situation at hand and make lemonade out of lemon-sized primate prostates.

    Is a monkey’s manhole big enough to fit a dollop of C-4 and radio receiver? Because if we can drop such murderous monkeys into an insurgent society that has fallen in love with them for their promiscuity and inability to back-talk, we may have a way to conduct a synchronized counter-IED counter-attack. You know, set up a few dozen such depth charges tuned to the same frequency, so they can all be triggered at the same moment? This may be particularly effective if we make an IO announcement mid-day Thursday that the next round of chimps will arrive that evening, just in time for Testicle Tickle Thursday festivities–get the towelies all fired up and ready for love. Then around 2100 while the echoes of screaming primates and grunting Taliban reverberates across the moonlit desertscape, the CO can hit the switch and the thundering crash of high explosive vaporizing every one of those rat bastards will be more majestic than the 1812 Overture. Bobo goes boom-boom, bad guy goes bye-bye. ‘Merica wins, fuck yeah!

    Hell, if we’re smart about it, we could start doing the same to goats, sheep and camels belonging to suspected terrorists anywhere. Eventually we’ll be able to figure out who are the non-Taliban locals (because they will still keep their livestock nearby, nothing to fear if they’re legit) and who is shady (because he just heard a bunch of his filthy buddies grunt, moan and then explode) — thus the shady ones will keep their livestock elsewhere lest they become a ABIED (animal borne IED). The assholes are forced to self-identify for concern of self-preservation… which doesn’t last too much longer.

    • That sounds like a good plan but I have some concerns. This plan would creat selective breeding by insurgents. We in effect would breed for a smarter less nasty insurgent. While that might create a better lifestyle it might also create a more viable opponent.

      I applaud the use of already existing issues to decapitate, as it were, insurgents. But I am not sure we could reliably expect this course of action to damage them. It might make them better by removing those who help us the most.

  4. Job Opening: Kandahar, Assganistan

    IMSARC: Infidel Monkey Sexual Assault Response Coordinator.
    Description: Provide counseling and support to sodomized drunken monkeys with identity crisis after being mistakenly taken from their cages in Kentucky and dropped (literally) into a shitty situation, denied their drinking, smoking privileges, and deprived of the ability to poo properly due to enlarged monkey rape anal syndrome.

    We must take care of our own.

  5. Their bomb making practices have always been unsanitary but this is going to cost them. The simple act of washing their hands with something besides sand or camel dung would have slowed if not prevented the spread. I cannot blame the Air force. After all they complied with the message. The monkeys would not have survived for very long in the desert so the blame has to go to the villagers and tribes people who should have known better. At least the PR value and the effect on insurgents is a net gain.

    That soldier needs a counseling statement but give some kudos because of those net positives. Not the positive HIV but the other ones. Well yes the positive HIV but the Insurgent positives not the innocent villager positives. You know what? Just slap him up side the head.

    • Oh that’s not true,they have monkeys in Afghanistan and they are very resilient to the aids infection. On my last tour there, I asked how much for a baby monkey and I could have gotten one for $20, if it weren’t for my damn commander (fucking officers and their rules) I could have had my very own combat monkey. I could have trained it to go up to the insurgents and pulled their pants down while trying to fire on out FOB. Then all the other insurgents would be laughing to much at that guy to attack us. Now how could that plan go wrong?

      • A combat monkey would bring a whole new meaning to guerilla warfare. $20 bucks? That would have been a great deal. The officers probably knew that combat monkeys are dead shots with a hand full of poo so they did not want one around.

        And you know you would have ordered an assualt on their dignity. Too bad. It would have been classic.

        • Would have given a whole new meaning to the term, ‘fragging’ anyway. Imagine if DARPA were ever able to get the whole ‘Monkeypotamus’ project off the ground. Those bad boys could throw a whole mess o’poo at one time.

      • I love this. We have combat dogs, why not combat monkeys? They are smaller, smart (not as smart as dogs), and fairly common. The hadjis couldn’t tell combat monkeys from indig monkeys until they attacked. Some could volunteer to wear bomb vests and martyr themselves for the monkey god (remotely detonated from behind our berm).
        And why stop at combat monkeys? How about combat scorpions, snakes, or spiders? Use a catapult to fling them into a bunch of insurgents. Don’t need aids for that. Hell, the Mongols did it in the 11th or 12th centuries.

    • I don’t know, I wonder if we don’t share some of the blame I mean these are American monkeys right? I am sure the American monkeys were taught filthy habits like smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol and to dress up in human clothes and ride around on roller skates and bicycles making them harder to catch. I mean it must be hell seeing someone you think is your sister or mother riding a bicycle. First you feel like beating her as is proper but then you are concerned because she is babbling and not making sense. Or what if you think it is your old uncle Abeed who is in a religious ecstasy? Abeed comes along not looking too much different than any other day you take him in to show you the new bomb making he learned from the Pakistani, ahem I mean Divine inspiration. He starts ‘monkeying’ around with det cord and blasting caps then ‘BAM’ old uncle Abeed is missing a hand spraying his glorious martyr’s blood everywhere.

      And who wouldn’t in a fit of religious fervor want to bathe in the blood of their old uncle Abeed? I think those filthy monkeys are as much an American issue as anything else there.

      What? They used to fuck goats, sheep and boys dressed as girls for thousands of years? “There is a boy across the river with a bottom like a peach, alas I cannot swim,” was a popular song?

      Fuck em let them catch monkey aids and share heroin needles and handjobs with poor bobo. The one I feel sorry for is the monkey. Monkey probably is all fucked up anyway because after getting him hooked on booze and cigarettes they made him get buttfucked by some other bigger monkey. Now he has to wear the fucking man-dress and put his ass in the air five times a day which gives him flashbacks to getting monkey-raped.

      It’s their own damn fault if they can tell their mother or sister or uncle Abeed from a monkey anyway.

  6. I hope they get this cleared up. Once Rectum Rape Ramadan starts, the disease will be unstoppable. PETA will have to deploy from camp pendleton to protest against the AIDS infected goats and camels.

    • You know PETA doesn’t go anywhere that doesn’t have real showers, a flamingly liberal social scene or towering evergreens right? They would demand that the Air Force round up the monkeys, who would ask the Army for support, who would have to respectfully point out they were otherwise engaged, they could ask the brown-water Coasties for help but when has a Coastie seen a monkey out side a zoo?

      So they’d pass it off to the Navy who would then slide it to the Marines they figure all grunts look like bobo the gorilla anyway and then the grunts would shoot the monkeys. Which would cause more PETA problems so it’s probably not worth it anyway.

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