Junior Enlisted Party Presidential Candidate: Free Copenhagen, Porn at the Shoppette

Faber was excited to receive an endorsement from Ron Paul
Faber was excited to receive an endorsement from Ron Paul

FORT DRUM, N.Y. — A third-party presidential candidate is making waves this election season by focusing on the wants and needs of low-ranking troops.

In many ways, Army Private First Class Bucky Faber’s platform sounds like something you’d hear from one of the frontrunners. He advocates a middle-class tax cut, aggressive environmental protection measures, and of course a strong national defense.

Where Faber sets himself apart is with his unconventional pledges.

“If elected,” Faber said during a recent campaign stop at Ft. Drum, “I’ll make it so that Copenhagen is totally free at the Shoppette, seeing as we enlisted guys ain’t made of money.”

Faber also promised that the Shoppette would hand out free Playboys and Penthouses to all personnel E-3 and below.

“Yeah, there’s a lot of free porn on the Internet,” Faber said, “but a lot of guys downrange don’t have regular Internet hookups. And really, there’s something you can’t beat about the good old-fashioned feeling of slick pages in your hands while you’re looking at titties.”

Before joining the Army, the 36-year-old Faber spent his twenties and early thirties working dead-end jobs at bookstores and chain restaurants. He doesn’t have any previous elected experience, but he is no stranger to legal matters. In 2005, he served as his own defense against reckless driving charges and lost. He has also more recently served as his unit’s barracks lawyer.

Faber represents the E-Dogs, a political party whose purpose is “to promote the interests and well-being of junior enlisted soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines,” according to their website.

“We are looking forward to Bucky Faber becoming the next president and Commander in Chief of the United States,” said E-Dog spokesperson Seaman Recruit Salvador Byrd. “He has the experience, know-how, and political acumen to lead America in these difficult times.”

“Also,” Byrd added, “we found out you have to be 35 to run for president, and he was the only one in our group who was old enough.”

Faber has also called for reducing the drinking age to 18 for all active duty personnel and their dates, since “it’s bullshit seeing as how you can fight and die for your country but can’t have any booze or plow your girlfriend with booze neither.”

Faber’s other pledges include no more barracks watch since “it’s all bullshit anyway”, oversight on prick MPs who don’t have “shit else to do but fuck with motorists,” and tougher punishments for Lance Commandants who make all the E-1’s and E-2’s do their work while they’re not doing shit themselves.

Political consultant James Carville has been following Faber’s campaign closely and likes the PFC’s chances.

“I think Private Faber could be a dark horse in this election,” Carville said, “but only if he broadens his focus. His message is really resonating with the buck privates, but he needs to get the word out to their girlfriends too. You know, the ones who are 18 and can vote, not the ones who are still in high school.”

Faber’s campaign stop at Ft. Drum was cut short when a Specialist walked into the auditorium and pulled him outside to do a police call.


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24 Comments

  1. You forgot to add,
    1. A Jacuzzi for each room in the barracks.
    2. Maid service for the barracks and the “maids” perform extras.
    3. They can take the vehicle of their choice from the motor pool for hunting and fishing trips.
    4. They can take their service weapon hunting, even if it is an M2.
    5. There will be Blue jean Fridays at work.

  2. Freebies should be extended to Monster energy drinks and beef jerky products. Also, for UA, privates now get a mulligan meaning if the results somehow say they pissed hot they can take the test three days later, up to a month, depending on that private’s choice of program.

    Also, Privates can fire Sergeants….wait that’s already happening. Privates will be directly tasked out, work “with” not “for” the Lieutenant, and classes will be mandatory for Second Lieutenants on how to be a better buddy, wait, that’s already happening.

    Privates will also start the Army for example with 80% disability at retirement, so this way they don’t have to go through all the trouble of working the system. No more RCP, you can now retire a Specialist at 20! And, no more fussy superiors asking Joes to attend boring schools such as WLC. This way the Army saves money on eliminating all ANC and SLC, in one fell swoop. PTSD pay will begin on Day 1 of reporting to Replacements, no need for an actual deployment

    Also, Privates will get the option along with their first duty station, for a BAH marriage to another Soldier also going there, this way they can start collecting early. For Sustainment MOS’, training in Dominoes will become a secondary MOS. Upon promotion to Specialist, classes on how-to-sham will be conducted, for those few who haven’t yet figured out how to work the system.

  3. Is it safe yet???? This is still A Comical Satirical Type Blog? And? Damn was I bad AGAIN! Must be my old age, nope, anger, nope, regrets, nope, do it all over again, yup, why? Can’t you people tell I’m nuts? And that I am in serious need of some kind of professional help? Yup you sure think so!! Know what I do too! But, alas, tie not to be! For the Powers Above have relabeled that that that that that that ! From is is is to ain’t ain’t ain’t to bianary code. One’s and zero’s huh? Nope. One 1 all the rest 0’s because I can prove that 1+1=1 ! Henry the 8th KING how many Queens? It’s GOOD TO BE KING! Mao, Fidel, Ho, Pol, Joe Stalin, FDR JFK? Yup Dept of State Pub. 7277 Sept 1961 signed by Pres. JFK; linked to part Three; the Last in Line just Recently From The UN. Google Jim Crow Laws & Pole Taxes, seethe History of those along with the Civil Rights Voting Records of the Dems And The Repubs From Just after The Civil War until just Before Sen JFK & Sen LBJ voted on civil rights. Check theirs voting records on those & what They called Blacks! Or Dems & the KKK and Planned Parenthood under Ole Margarer Sanger; what Black Leaders Said Then and what they say NOW! so I will not dumb MYSELF DOWN for any one. I am an investigative legislative litigator. Barley graduated high school never been to an accredited college and have mad FOOLS OF EVERY CONFRESSMAN SENATOR LAWER AND VA DIRECTOR TJAT GOT IN MY FACE, because I know how. You don’t need to be a collide boy to our think one. Or outspell one or out punctuate one. But you do have to be on your knees of you give in and go with the flow just to say Yes Sir Sir! They knew I Would do my job or I would Not have been on that Aircraft or an Instructor layer for Equipment Operators. If I say I did it I did it. I DON’T HAVE TO LIE! Use my real name Servv dates branch other Mems names that can also be checked out. I don’t call myself Ram Blow or Killer Elite or My Bay Cry Cry! I’m just me! Now can we just GET ALONG! No good them lets have some fun then. And you younger people, know this YOU DON’T LNOW IT ALL; and you ain’t been there and done that. HOE KAY?
    Damn kids used to be shake and bakes, now just makes you want to get just one Daisy Cutter and drop that ficker right in REMF POG hell! Who wants popcorn I herd this’unz a reel fuster cluck!

    • Yes Kevin it is a satirical blog. But the point is that it is Written satire. The concept requires the ability to read and if you want to respond, to write in coherent sentences. It is also appreciated if you stay on the story line.

      Speaking for no one else, I come to this site to laugh. I need whatever laughter I can get in my day or it gets too dark. But you are not Funny Kevin. I can forgive a misspelled word or two but you were deliberately trying to be incomprehensible. Kevin you and I both know you had to work to make some of those sentences. Which proves you’re not insane and you have the ability to contribute, you simply choose not to. I cannot stand a slacker who chooses to participate in a half-assed fashion.

      I appreciate the work that Paul and the others go into to make fun of the military (that we love) and circumstances that normally make us want to cry. Show your appreciation by staying on point and being understood. That’s all I am asking.

      Make me laugh Kevin and I will forgive you. Play your ranting disturbed redneck game and I will simply find my humor in making fun of you. I like pushing buttons Kevin. If I had one that would burn this world to glass, I would push it.

  4. Too words for yo EAT SHIT AND DIE ASSHOLE. Count that check for spelling, punctuation, and all the pretty educated things that someone like you that lives on YOUR KNEES LOOKS FOR!! Meee I doesnnnt kairs booits nose pelin so kay IF NOT I NOSZE SOMEONE LOOKON 4a cum pain main ageer! Weezz his a tawking an a Chikin hawkin bowt a neut j o b u all spend purrrr ficked fer! A PLY bove! Or put me on my KNEES! No hero but they’ve been trie in fer long time still STANDING!! knee boy

    • Kevin,

      We’re wondering. Would you be interested in a recurring advice column at TDB called “Ask An Insane Veteran (that is if you are of course) That Can’t Spell?”

      It’s almost certain to be a hit.

        • Amen. I cannot abide a punk bitch. THiS FelLaH is Certainly that. Stupid does not translate in the literary world very well. It’s almost like reading Carlos Mencia stand up. I usually end up skipping comments that feature his drivel.

    • Wow there Kevin. You have a lot of nerve. Did I hit one? You like to talk about being on your knees a lot. Got any latent homosexual fantasies that you are afraid to let out? It’s the modern world man. You can express your need to offer a joe a blow without fear now.

      But Kevin, really “too” is actually two but you miscounted and used the wrong word. Shame Kevin old buddy shame. Really your rants are no better than what can be expected of someone who is trying to type while playing cell block virgin with your buddies in the yard when the bulls aren’t looking. Tell me Kevin, did your teeth get knocked out or pulled out so that you couldn’t bite down on your buddies during play time?
      So anyway, look if you need to let out your feelings its okay really. I understand all your inability to be coherent now. Sorry if I took offense at your inability to be literate and sound sane.

      But I think you might have taken “Man Love Thursday” just a little too far.

  5. OW SHIT NO! Wrong DAY I HAVE UNTIL 2’o to get to da va brain pan dRAIN MAN & never shudA look at DIS! I have a 14:00 with a va doc 4 2 fix my nokin nogin I don’t need this and EYE NO UZE DON’T ETHER!
    Maybe ole boy wants TA he honoable afore his name and service like SUM and I’m sure heal git the Brownie Bronie support glitter and all. Maybe they’ll inVITE DA CHICKEN! Choker that hates SERVICE DOGS! I HOPE NO LONGER WORKS AT who? zzz tootinz dat ? ! BUFFALOE CHIPS from what they make they delicious spicy wings OUT OF THERE!! SEE ME?! FEEL MEEEE?!! TOUCH MEE!! Abu oldies but GOLDEN OLDIES!! Good tunes! Crazy mat bee make sense?!! IT SHOULD!
    Got TA go 2 my VA 2 not get treated for my non service and my non honorable 214’s and my non in judder posers all around OF BY AND FOR so they don’t have to treat U.S. pay $ attn to LAWS OF ANY KIND but data ok IM STIL ON MY FEET! U people kept me from. Sing a CCT/FAC-USAF/ 1 step away from BENNING FOOL FOUND!! No depth perception WTF UP YOURS ? ABOUT N/LALO NOYFB patch Loadmaster rigged cargo + my own oops!! Leg 4 LIFE YUP RUNS W/SKIS SORES done TA playe well wid udders! Im Jist crazy that way! BDFB out. Broken Down Flyboy I won every Battle with these guys they can’t win if you llearn what the r DUE IN!! Now my brain wich they knew work better staying on the perfectly good a/c instead of some MAN having some FOOL takin HIS TIME getting on the dirt so THEY CAN BOTH DO WHAT THEY CAME THERE TO DO! DEPTH PERCEPTION I SEE THEM VERY WELL and I think too fast now and sometime can’t shut off!! But I’m also J’F’N loose and only have 1 Bravo Alpha India Nov. Charlie Email Lew Lew remaining. I AM GONNA BE HAPPY ANF THEY cAN GO FTS ROYAL never on the knees no hero I KNOW HERO’S makes ME PROUD!!

    • You really should learn to spell, form coherent sentence structure, and maybe take your meds on a schedule, without the whisky.
      If the best you got is bad grammar, poor spelling, and talking like you got your anal beads stuck in your mouth you really should quit.

  6. I’d have to see his car first, before voting for PFC Faber. If he’s driving a 2009 Mustang with a 20% loan on it, then I’m all in.

    • C’mon Lt., you know the correct teminology… “unlimited upward potential.”

      I’d vote for him. The only problem I see is the 14.9% Used Car Lot Lobby’s influence on government. If he hasn’t already picked a running mate, I’d like to throw my name in the hat. I think I could protect a junipr ranking military member from some of the trickery found in D.C. Of course, I was a SNCO so I would definitely struggle with the instinct to use one mistake as an excuse to publicly rake him over the coals, get him impeached, step in, and run for re-election on the platform that I was the guiding light behind any of his past successes but took immediate corrective action by frying him.

      As VP, I could take on some of those special but unknown projects that VPs have like a “Whoever Wins is Right” Congressional Fight Club (don’t talk about it) and creating the Vice President’s Council on Keeping it Real, responsible for addressing idiotic inquiries, repealing FOIA, and blacking the media out of combat theaters.

      • I heard his running mate was PVT Conceived Through Computer from the ask a medic section. Pretty exceptional that guy.

    • Is it wrong that my mind saw ‘penetration increase’ first thing? I need more coffee before I read stuff in the morning.

  7. Hell id vote for him….why not?? Not like the other assclowns have anything important to talk about.

  8. I lot of things happening back at Drum today…too bad I’m missing it. If he wins though does he still have to listen to his squad leader. It could end up creating an uncontrollable quantum event since he would be both his first line supervisor and his commander-in-chief

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