Junior Enlisted Party Presidential Candidate: Free Copenhagen, Porn at the Shoppette
FORT DRUM, N.Y. — A third-party presidential candidate is making waves this election season by focusing on the wants and needs of low-ranking troops.
In many ways, Army Private First Class Bucky Faber's platform sounds like something you'd hear from one of the frontrunners. He advocates a middle-class tax cut, aggressive environmental protection measures, and of course a strong national defense.
Where Faber sets himself apart is with his unconventional pledges.
"If elected," Faber said during a recent campaign stop at Ft. Drum, "I'll make it so that Copenhagen is totally free at the Shoppette, seeing as we enlisted guys ain't made of money."
Faber also promised that the Shoppette would hand out free Playboys and Penthouses to all personnel E-3 and below.
"Yeah, there's a lot of free porn on the Internet," Faber said, "but a lot of guys downrange don't have regular Internet hookups. And really, there's something you can't beat about the good old-fashioned feeling of slick pages in your hand…
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