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Marine Hospitalized After Confrontation with Grizzly Bear


SCOTTSDALE, AZ — A Marine reservist is in critical condition after grappling with a fully grown grizzly bear yesterday in his suburban home.

Similar in vein to several recent incidents, the bear broke into the home of Sergeant Sean Bush, who promptly engaged the gargantuan grizzly in hand-to-hand combat.

“I was just sitting in my room around midnight, playing some Skyrim, when I heard a crash from downstairs. When I went to investigate, I couldn’t believe what I saw.”

The sergeant says that was when his instincts took over.

“Then my training kicked in, and I assumed a good basic warrior stance.”

Marine Corps Martial Arts Program (MCMAP) Instructor Sergeant Jon Coley says that while MCMAP is very effective for neutralizing an opponent in close quarters, hand-to-hand engagements are “not very effective against a 450-fucking-pound, razor clawed death machine.”

That didn’t stop Sgt Bush from trying to pacify the ursine behemoth with a rear naked choke. When that failed, according to his statement, he attempted to mount the bear and place it in a side-arm bar, screaming, “you tap or I snap,” in hopes that the bear would quit before sustaining injury.

“I knew there were more advanced moves I could have pulled on the bear,” lamented Sgt Bush from the intensive care unit. “But I’m just a gray belt; more intense grappling moves don’t come until you move up to green and brown.”

Sgt Coley shakes his head as he reviews the MCMAP log book discovered on Sgt Bush’s bedside table.

“Look at this. He hasn’t even logged any hours training for green. No way he could have handled that thing. Only a seasoned brown belt or an expert in Rex Kwon Do would have been able to subdue that monster.”

Police officers, who arrived on scene shortly after receiving a phone call from a concerned neighbor, found Sgt Bush on his living room floor, barely conscious and covered in his own blood, muttering verses from the Marine’s Hymn. The bear was nowhere to be found.

Investigators suspect the culprit to be Petty Officer 2nd Class Eugene Bear, who was recently reported as drunkenly brawling with other Marines in local bars.

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  1. Leave it to a Marine “Semper Fi”, to get Fantasy and Reality confused.
    Still I got to give the grizzly a HOO…. AHH. I mean can you imagine have the restraint necessary to assure the SGT was not injured during this mock attack training in CQC. The bear is a Marine Training Officer for the RCT Force Recon recruiting command. Sadly, this SGT does Not Make the Cut. The Corps is Still Looking For A few good men (or Women) and Grizzly’s.
    Side Bar, Who is the SGT’s Assistant attempting to get the bear to release him, he as well cannot be above Gray Belt, his arms and hands are in the wrong position to effectively choke out an attacker.?
    Training Marines, Training, the lives of your brothers in arms depend on you to effectivel bring maximum hurt on the enemy avery time in every situation. Adapt and Overcome— Semper FI !

  2. The bear got the crazy idea to attack after watching him play Skyrim. or….KPM drove the bear insane with his incoherrent rambling

  3. Am I the only one that realized he had just been playing Skyrim when he got the crazy idea to attack the bear? Coincidence? I think not.

  4. Intereting, this is the first I’ve heard of a service member wrestling a bear, I’ve always heard of them choking chickens…

  5. Dudes, That aint nuthin.When I was a Medic for the 1st Group the only way to “earn” the title Medic was to pass the following test…..Pull a rotten tooth from a ‘gator,Choke out a grizzly,and make out with a 90 year old prostitute…..Well I musta got confused ’cause I choke the the gator,pulled the prostitutes tooth and made out with the grizzly…..Now I have a beautiful grizzly “wife”,and four bear cubs who call me Daddy…..

  6. fucking KNEW it!! I told my instructor that it’s all fun and games until an attacker came at you for real, not all Tin Man with extended limbs or someone who would bear hug you and just sit there like a dumbass. This Sergeant had learned a valuable lesson. I think it’s important to mention that there was no reference to him wearing a glo-belt whatsoever. Motherfucker, they save lives… learn it, live it.

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