National Association of Second Lieutenants Responds To Criticism

Second Lieutenant Brietovich
Second Lieutenant Brietovich

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Association of Second Lieutenants released a statement and held a press conference today in response to almost universal criticism their members have been receiving from soldiers, Marines, and airmen.

The statement comes on the heels of a controversial change to the military’s promotion scheme.

The group spokesman, Second Lieutenant Jack Brietovich, was late for the press conference due to an apparent problem with his 2006 Hyundai’s GPS system. After he arrived, he then realized that he left the typed statement in his other pants — forcing him to send his driver, PFC Michael Wilson to find it.

The press conference began two and a half hours late, and caused those attending to get stuck in traffic leaving post, miss dinner with their children, and file their reports after deadlines.

Once behind the podium, Brietovitch unfolded a sheet of paper and read casually. “Boo-fucking-hoo,” the statement began, in a mock whiny voice, “I hate the LT soooo much. He makes me go look for things in the conex, and all he ever does is sit around in his little office playing minesweeper on his toughbook. It’s so unfair!”

Lieutenant Brietovitch then dropped his mocking tone and cleared his throat.

“You know what’s not fair? You little shits did two months of basic training. What’s that? Your drill sergeant was mean to you? I went to West Point. Yeah, that’s right. I had three years of upperclassmen yelling at me, treating me like shit, and beating me with broomsticks. That shit went on for four fucking years, and I got a degree in chemical engineering at the same time. How you like that? I tell you what, you don’t know shit until you’re a fucking first year plebe at the military academy.”

“What’s that, you went to college too?  Oh, I know you did; its ok. I’m sure that semester and a half at Bumfuck County Community College really taught you a lot about the world.  I bet you even know what a thesis statement is. I’m sure that knowledge is really helping with your online classes at University of Maryland University College University School.”

Pausing, Brietovitch glared at those in attendance. Picking a lower enlisted soldier from the room at random, he violently gestured at him with a knife hand.

“Hey Private. . . You! Soldier, come here, hero!” said Brietovitch. “How about you straighten the fuck up and get to buffing these floors?”

Brietovitch then placed the rubber heel of his boot against the floor and drug it across the polished surface, leaving a foot-long scuff mark – all the while staring directly at the private. There was silence in the briefing room.

He turned to readdress the crowd.

“You all just loooove to shit on the butter bar, right? You don’t get your ass eaten by the battalion commander when some private loses a canteen; I do. A goddamn canteen. You think I want that kind of shit to cost so much? You think that I want to be responsible for every screw, nail, and rubber-band that makes an MTOE? No, I don’t. But, I’m an achiever. Like Patton, like MacArthur, Like Colin-mother-fucking-Powell. You know what all those people had in common? They’re all hard-ass, eat up a private and spit em’ out, democracy savin’, nazi killin’ sons a bitches. Oh yeah, all of em – 2 LT’s.”

After this part of the statement, Lieutenant Brietovitch unzipped his pants and placed his testicles on the table next to the podium. With outstretched arms, he addressed the press.

“What? What?” he asked aggressively. “You going to say something, or just salute me? I suggest the latter.”

There were no follow up questions.


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54 Comments

  1. As a PBNCO I would give every chance for a 2LT to freak out over every piece of equipment and of course never tell him that it was sitting in the supply room waiting for him to pick it up and sign for it…..I miss screwing with their heads.

  2. SEE! THIS IS A PERFECT EXCAMPEL OF WHY THERE SHOULDNT BE ANY OFFICRES. IF THE CENTCOM COMMANDER WAS AN NCO ALL THE VEHICLES IN THE MIDDLE EAST WOULD BE LINED UP PERFECTLY AND ALL OF THOSE HAJIS MUSTACHSE WOULD BE WITHIN REGS. AND NO ONE WOULD GET LOST BECAUSE I DONT KNWO WHAT THE FUCK A GPS EVEN IS.

    • Well, I never got lost because I gave my map to my NCO and said something very much like – the bojective (whatever it was) is at this location (grid) take me there . . . We would always magically appear on site and usually early . . . Just kidding – I use my own compass and read my own map – can’t lead from the middle!

  3. There I was, no shit…with my platoon of hooahs, in the middle of the night, at what should have been the right place but didn’t have the terrain I had expected based on the map. Normally we went off the ol’ map and compass, but to double check my shit, I busted the PLGR (this was 2001) out of my RTO’s ruck pocket and had a look-see. Goddamnit, I had taken us 800 meters EAST instead of WEST from our helicopter LZ. “This,” I thought to myself, “is why everyone has joked about 2LTs since the roman fucking legions marched across Europe.” Of all the 2LTs I ever knew, not one was the infamous “listen to me, sergeant – because I know it all” variety I hear enlisted guys talk about. Even so…most of us were still boneheads more often than we wanted to admit.

  4. My old man, a retired E-8, always said the most dangerous thing in the Army was a Second Lieutenant with a clipboard.

    • ” . . . where the *(&^ am I said the LT, file from the left column left said the SGT, beer, beer, beer said the PVT, what merry men are we . . .”

    • I always said the two scariest things in the Army are: a Lt with a map and compass or an NCO with a clipboard because either way some shit is about to happen.

  5. Uh, yeah, to all of those who are taking this SERIOUSLY you do understand the meaning of satire? This website is meant to be a onion news/miltary version. Besides 2nd lts are not really all like that, just the ones with a map and a compass. Yeah, so that dates me, there’s no army like the old army.

  6. DocGay-10-4 on that DOC.When I was in I made Sgt.E5 in 15 months the 8th SFG had lots of stripes to give out.2nd Lts. drove themselves around.They still got no respect.90 day wonders we called them besides BUTTER BARS.Catch you on the high side,later.De Oppresso liber

  7. If this butterbar went to West Point, why is he rocking an ROTC unit patch? I’d make him and the photoshop artist push!

    • Dude, did you not see the photo shop HEAD? It was like powerpoint cut and paste and you are looking at the patch.

      Good Eye Buford.

  8. Since it’s man-love every day now in the military, i feel it’s important that the LT should receive a warm wet kiss and a cuddle of his scrote.

  9. I love these officers on here that are getting a hard-on. You do realize this whole article is making fun of your corps? But hey what do I know about college, I mean NCO’s never get graduate degrees. Oh wait…

  10. Well, I was at this conference, and this 2LT was far more abusive than the brilliantly written article articulates. He mad some reaaly bad coments about senior NCOs not being able to read or take a joke. I was pised.

  11. As an E-5 I could have said, “Sir, do you actually know anything about the equipment I’ve been working on for the past five years? I realize that I have not completed a degree program, but I do know what the hell I’m talking about. If you have a problem, take it up with my chief!”

  12. I love the duffelblog, but I feel sadness for these funny men; that despite their glorious acerbic wit, they will never be as clownish and hilarious as the frequent comments made to their posts by old SNCOs who think they are literal.

  13. DocGay-2nd Lts.(Butter Bars) they get no respect because they are the PFC’S of officers.What can one say more about a Butter Bar??Why the HELL does he have a driver he is only a 2nd Lt.?2nd Lts. was the same way in my days in the 60’s,some things never change.De Oppresso Liber

  14. Shortly after the crowd dispersed, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was seen balling the 2nd Lt up, forcing him to suck himself off. 100% recovery from spine trauma is not expected.

    UMUCUCUMUCUCU Class of Fiscal Week 22, Bitches!! Masters in Mastering Lunchtime Class Mastering with a Graduate Certificate in Time Management. Recognize.

      • UPDATE: Completed my Masters degree requirements on Tuesday evening, scored some extra credit on Wednesday, and they’re mailing me my doctorate in Study Studies from UMUCUCUMUCUCU’s Middle Eastern Division’s Bagram Air Field satellite learning center. Odd, because I’m in Utah but it’s still pretty cool… they’re going to laminate both degrees together and present them to me on a lanyard, along with a Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, 2004 alumnus, bobble-head.

        I’m stoked.

  15. I was with him right up until he ‘whipped it out’ – that is a violation of man-law and completely unacceptable in a social setting . . . On soldiers with degrees – it is a fact that as student loans rise and the large floats of student indebtedness continue, the force will have an increasing population of non-rates/junior enlisted with education that rivals thier officers and in many cases exceeds thier NCOs – I have had some attitude problems among this population with kids that think thier ‘superior’ education (in some cases Master’s degrees) outranked thier NCOs stripes. Fortunately for the few who don’t have that worked out by thier NCO or PLT LDR, they are relatively simple – “we can do this easy or real easy – you are a smart person – how do you want it – as nobody asked you to join, I recommend you ratchet back, square yourself away, and keep your freaking undisciplined mouth shut while you take your loan repayment option and then get out of my Army – now disappear out of my office – you are dismissed.” There endeth the lesson . . .

  16. Second Lieutenant Brietovich
    Just a cocky little low life who is abusing his position. Maybe he forgot he IS a Second Lieutenant. A butter bar. He is lower then whale crap and as most of us former Senior NCO’s used to feel, more useless than an E1 or E2. At least they worked for a living. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of young zero’s who showed that they were worthy of serving their country. But, this whiney, West Point puke needs to learn a few things. First of all, its those ones whining about you that do the good job, seen by his superiors that help get him promoted. They are also the ones who teach butter bar extrordinare the ropes and the right way to do things that’ll keep him from getting his head blown off in a combat situation. Alot of young officers lost their lives in Vietnam Nam due to their igorance and arrogance. Maybe junior (Second Lieutenant Brietovich) needs to come down to reality and realize he hasn’t earned his keep yet and his attitude and disrespect to his enlisted troopps could be detrimental to his survival. He’s just a punk that needs to be slapped down a few notches And, you can bet it’s going to happen when he least expect it. Good luck on your career butter bar. And don’t bite the hand that will feed and protect you throughout your military days.

    • I know right? And if that pissed you off you ought to check the article about giving wives rank, or the guy getting the silver star for doing his job.. its almost unbelievable.

    • Yeah reading isnt your forte is it? You’re on a joke website dipshit. You got the same education as the kid from Bumfuck Community College didnt you?
      Carry on there soup-sandwich.

      • Eric-You realize that half the fun is seeing that comments after an article. Is is incredible to me that some people think this is all real.
        They probably get a riled up and The Onion, too!

    • I am a few months late with this…

      RJM, you just made me kick me kick my dog. I think a lot of folks in Vietnam lost their lives because they were draftees who spent most of their days stoned. Maybe the senior NCO’s should have watched out for them and properly trained their young soldiers and young officers instead of letting the blind lead the blind.

      AND, the mighty fine soldier medic should have said sir.

  17. Hard charging is right. That young man is going places. I see a spot on the JCS. That’s just a straight-shooter with four stars written all over it.

    • You goddamned right! That young man is going places, and I just hope that I am there to hang on his coattails!

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