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Navy SEALs To Infiltrate Libya In Secret Mission, Major Book Publisher Reports

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VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – A major publisher of Navy SEAL memoirs reported today that a U.S. retaliation strike is “imminent” in Libya. Following the news stories of the attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, Random Day spokesman Bill Klein stated that several of their company’s clients called with a preliminary manuscript for possible books.

“The first to contact us was Steve Faulkner,” Klein said. “He is with DEVGRU… you know, the SEAL Team Six guys. Anyway, he called us up late at night and said he wanted to present a new book idea for his autobiography, which would include several chapters on raids against terrorist camps in the Libyan desert.”

Klein said the conversation was cut short because Faulkner stated that he would be leaving the next morning and would be gone for awhile, possibly for several weeks.  “OPSEC is so important to these guys,” said Klein, “so usually when a world event happens and they have to go respond, they’ll have to quickly send us a manuscript for their next book idea before they get on a plane to go and do an op.”

When Klein was asked about his usage of military slang, he was more than happy to answer.

“These operators and I have become so tight over the past several years. What, with all that’s been going on and the slew of book ideas and manuscripts we’ve been reviewing, I’ve even opened up a satellite office in Virginia Beach just to handle all the material coming out of Dam Neck and Little Creek alone.  The public affairs office over at SPECWAR and I have developed a really good relationship, too.”

Klein was happy to show reporters from the Duffel Blog other manuscripts sent in.  “This one here was from a young lieutenant over at Eight… that’s SEAL Team Eight,” Klein said with a grin. “The working title is ‘Into the Den of the Ayatollah’, but we’re thinking of changing that.”

Klein stated that he hasn’t been able to contact the Lieutenant because his unit shipped to the Persian Gulf a month ago.  “I expect he’ll update his Facebook page soon with his location so that all his fans can follow him,” Klein stated.  The publisher has high hopes for the book, especially when the U.S. strikes at Iran’s nuclear facilities later this year.

Duffel Blog reporters were fortunate to have Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) Bud Jorgenson show up with a manuscript during the interview with Klein. He was excited to talk about his experiences and get his name out there “to generate some buzz.”

“Yeah, we get a quick class towards the end of BUD/S on how to write a good manuscript.” Jorgenson said. “It’s just as important to us as learning how to navigate underwater or conduct CQB. Once you get here to Virginia Beach though, one of the guys on the Teams will introduce you to Bill here and really get your shit rolling.  Of course, you have to get out on some ops first… some deployments under your belt, that sort of thing.  Nobody wants fiction when they can read the real deal.”

Klein stated that he is currently looking at the possibility of expanding Random Day’s office in Virginia Beach.

“So many of the guys want to do movies, especially after ‘Act of Valor’ came out,” Klein said. “Lots of guys were jealous of the trim the ‘Act of Valor’ SEALs were getting at the premier parties and such.  It’s way better than just being a wealthy book writer.  I mean, what chick wants to bang an author? Being an actor is where it’s really at.”

Klein said he’s currently in talks with Tri-Star and Paramount to open film studios in the Virginia Beach area.

Navy

Crop-dusting ensign set for flight school

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Source: USDA

PENSACOLA, Fla. — After a gut-wrenching selection process, Ensign Pierce A. Stinkfeld was chosen as a student naval aviator, sources confirmed today.

Stinkfeld, who graduated last year from the University of Missouri with a double major in flatology and ungulate digestion, was also enrolled in Naval ROTC where he received rank honors.

“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life,” Stinkfeld said as he sniffed the air. “From those clumsy days of crop-dropping in Ms. Stummerfurz’ third-grade class to winning the state ‘North by Northwest’ award as a high school junior, I’ve been dusting off home plate since I was in diapers. Now, I’m ready to throw caution to my recently-released wind and have a career in the U.S. Navy.”

Stinkfeld noted that he’s exploring various fleet aircraft options.

“I’m looking at rotary wing because of the awesome downdraft,” he said. “But I’m also considering the F-35 for its killer afterburner turbofan. I can really foul up an enemy’s day with that.”

Stinkfeld is also looking forward to getting his callsign.

“I bet it will be something cool like ‘Danger’ or ‘Snake,’” he said with an overconfidence normal reserved for newly-commissioned American heroes.

However, instructor pilots seemed certain that Stinkfeld will be forever known as ‘Beefwalk.’”

“Don’t quote us on that,” said one. “But it’s in the fart jar, so to speak.”

Stinkfeld was last seen arguing with the station commissary manager over adding more selections of asparagus, gummi bears and beans.

“It’s for everyone’s digestive health,” he said right before hustling up the baby food aisle for no apparent reason.

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Air Force

Fans excited for final season of Afghanistan

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BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Fans of Afghanistan, already America’s longest running drama, are excited for the premier of the final season of the conflict, whenever that may be.

A media darling at launch, Afghanistan has suffered from low viewership since the first season but remains a powerhouse moneymaker with an annual budget of almost $45 billion. Producers initially promised large, exciting battles and decisive story lines but thus far have had issues delivering consistently. Fans of the show place the blame for many of those issues on producers insisting the show split air time with spinoff drama Iraq.

Despite the small TV audience tuning in, a large number of Americans (about 14,000 at present) physically attend the conflict every year hoping to take part in events as they unfold.

However, many of these participants express discontent over the direction the show has taken and feel the program has been dragging for the last decade or so.

“I was skeptical at first because there had been a Russian drama about Afghanistan, but in the first few seasons, this felt very different. And when they surprised everyone by killing off Bin Laden in season 10, that was amazing,” said Capt Mike Watt, currently deployed to Sharana. “But l feel like lately it’s been the same story line every season. Just lazy writing all around.”

A quick audit of recent years supports Watt’s argument. Plot devices like COIN, blue on green insider attacks, and meeting with local leaders that end up accomplishing nothing have become repetitive. Despite these issues, there remain a strikingly large number of subplots and unanswered questions. So many in fact, that writers and executive producers have expressed that they can’t imagine wrapping this up even if they have 10 plus more seasons.

Regardless, fans remain excited for the final season whenever that may be. An online poll among attendees on who will end up on top received hundreds of thousands of votes and came back with a landslide victory for write in candidate “I don’t give a fuuuuuuck.”

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Air Force

Service chiefs really tired of this Congressional committee’s crap

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The military’s service chiefs have been tired, but never tired like this. (Source: National Guard Bureau)

WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s service chiefs are massively weary of this stupid Congressional committee hearing, sources confirmed today.

Although the hearing on force readiness in the mid-term began moments ago, it has “nose-dived faster than Congressman Schiff’s reputation,” according to a military legislative affairs officer. 

“I put on a service dress uniform for this?” Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David L. Goldfein asked his peers, apparently unaware he was wearing a hot microphone.

The Committee chairwoman — no one knows her name because she did nothing notable before Democrats took control of the House —asked Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark A. Milley for his assessment of Navy readiness.

Milley appeared confused by a question on a separate service and paused before saying, “I would like to respond by stating that the readiness of Congress to hold this hearing is a complete shit-show, ma’am.”

Rep. Slay Z. Lewks (D – possibly Queens but she doesn’t know) followed with a freshwoman attempt at putting the hearing back on track by asking about mold in military housing. The chairwoman informed Lewks the topic was not related to force readiness.

“Then what about mold readiness in the mid-term?” Lewks asked.

Rep. Sea H. Ag (D – San Francisco) then interrupted Lewks to repeatedly stammer over the word “the.” She finally finished her question on the best place in D.C to meet sailors, which was met by the audible sighs of the testifying service chiefs.

Before Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson could wipe the stunned look off his face, Ag told him “I’m a cougar, John, in case you didn’t notice, John — rawwr.”

The chiefs then appeared to be studying their notes, but they were actually playing sudoku on sheets in their briefing books, except for Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller. 

“He doesn’t know how sudoku works,” says a Marine Corps public affairs office. Neller instead repeatedly snapped a can of Copenhagen under the desk while glaring at Lewks and anyone else who lewks at him for more than a second.

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Navy

Navy eyeing discounted Boeing 737s

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RENTON, Wash. — The Navy is investigating a potential “sweet deal” to increase its fleet of P-8 aircraft, sources confirmed today.

The Navy’s P-8 Poseidon, an invaluable asset in submarine detection, is a modified Boeing 737 aircraft. The Boeing 737 Max has recently come under intense scrutiny and grounded for equipment failure following a string of crashes. Navy leadership paid an emergency visit to the Boeing plant in Renton, Washington, shortly after the news broke.

“How much for this puppy right here?” asked Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer, slapping the nose of a 737. “How does $1,400 sound? I can do 15, but that’s my limit.”

Spencer met with a Boeing sales representative wearing a bright yellow suit, and the two men spent the day walking around the lot. One man would make an offer while the other would pretend to walk. Negotiations lasted late into the evening.

“The Navy has a long tradition of buying broken airplanes,” said assistant Secretary of the Navy James Geurts, who is in charge of Navy acquisitions. “However, we are looking to start saving money when we purchase potentially dangerous aircraft.”

Navy spokesmen at the Pentagon confirmed the plan is to have a deal hashed out by the end of the week. Progress has been reportedly made, but small details like air fresheners and fuzzy dice are remaining to be decided.

“I think they said it was an autopilot problem,” said Geurts. “No problem, whatever it is it can’t be as bad as our pilots’ hand flying.”

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Navy

“Don’t worry, this chapter of my book will be awesome” SEAL tells dying teammate

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navy seal books

A Navy SEAL reassured a teammate dying from multiple gunshot wounds that this portion of his book would be “awesome,” sources confirmed today.

“This is awesome. I’m talking about this on every stop of my book tour. No way I don’t hit the bestseller lists after this,” Chief Petty Officer Brian Costanza told his fellow SEAL, Petty Officer 3rd Class Chet Steel, who was gasping his last breaths.

As the MEDEVAC helicopter departed with his teammate’s corpse, Costanza jotted down plot points and significant details about the incident to use in “Triumph of the Will: A Navy SEAL’s Journey Through Syria.”

Costanza said he was thrilled to have a significant emotional hurdle to add to the main character arc in the yet-to-be published memoir, but he faced backlash from some of his surviving teammates for the way he handled the incident.

“Don’t get me wrong. Brick is a great guy,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Slade Paragon.“But I think it’s bullshit that he immediately claimed the incident for himself. Yeah, Chet died in his arms, but I was the one pulling security while he bled out. If anything, the trauma I suffered would make for a much more compelling chapter in my own book, ‘This Noble Warrior’s Creed.’ It’s just selfish.”

Petty Officer 2nd Class Chad Brogan, who outed himself on MSNBC shortly after receiving deployment orders to Syria, was also critical of Costanza’s decision.

“At the very least, he should have checked with the rest of the team so we could compare narratives,” Brogan said. “How would it look if all our books had similar chapters detailing Chet’s horrific death and our emotional journeys of recovery? People would think we’re assholes.”

Brogan said he now has to figure out a new anecdote to lead into his monologue about the terrible cost of war during chapter 9 of his book “The Trident Bleeds in Valhalla.”

Costanza was dismissive when asked about his teammates’ objections.

“These cherry fucks just like to complain,” he said. “My first book, ‘Uncommon Men-More Uncommon Valor,’ was published when they were still in BUDS, so I think I know a little more about narrative and plot structure than they do. Besides, what better way to honor Chet’s death than to have the most experienced writer on the team profit immensely by describing it in visceral detail?”

The remaining members of the team eventually agreed to let Constanza use the “death sequence” for his upcoming book. In exchange, they all received co-author credit for helping complete Steel’s posthumous memoir “Unkillable: The Sweet Rush of Combat.”

The SEALs chose to honor their fallen comrade’s memory by announcing that .5 percent of all book royalties will go to Steel’s widow Rhonda and their three young daughters.

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Air Force

Parents bribe service academies to not accept their children’s applications

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naval academy annapolis

WEST POINT — As a string of high-profile college bribery scandals come to light, the FBI has also uncovered that affluent parents are covertly paying service academy admissions to reject applications coming from their children, sources confirmed today.

“I wouldn’t want my child to suffer through a service academy either,” says chief investigator Gary Burkmire. “But there’s a right way and a wrong way for your kids to get ahead in life, and helping them avoid a subpar education through lies and crime is not the way to do it.”

Parents with children in service academies are outraged.

“So I, a poor single mother, have to watch my son go to West Point while rich parents have the privilege of seeing their kids amount to something in life?” asks Sheila Jones. “The wealthy elite really are evil.”

Burkmire has emphasized that the bribes were done without the knowledge of the children.

“Let’s make sure not to blame the kids here,” he told reporters. “Many of them were bright enough to be able to avoid a military education all on their own, but their parents didn’t have enough faith and made things worse.”

In some instances, the fraud even included paying up to $500,000 for an impostor to show up to the child’s Candidate Fitness Test and fail for them.

The legal repercussions of the scandal fall somewhat on the youth, despite the crimes originating with their parents.

“Unfortunately, regardless of qualifications, all applicants involved in the bribery scandal have been admitted to the service academy of their choice, and must report on the first day of school,” says Burkmire. “I hate to see this kind of thing, but it’s what happens when you mess with the system.”

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Carrier forced into early retirement after being exposed as maritime supremacist

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WASHINGTON  Pentagon officials confirmed today that their announcement calling for the unexpected retirement of USS Harry S. Truman stemmed from shocking revelations of the aircraft carrier’s dark history as a maritime supremacist.

“I think it’s safe to say with a namesake like that [Truman], it was only a matter of time before another N-bomb was dropped,” said acting Pentagon press secretary Charles Summers, Jr. “The Department of Defense has zero-tolerance for supremacist ideologies.”

The Nitmitz-class supercarrier, who planned on maintaining freedom of the seas for at least twenty more years, was forced into early retirement after allegations of its unchallenged power projection made national headlines. It remains undetermined whether said power was black or white, but defense officials fear it could be haze grey power, boding poorly for future surface combatants seeking to establish a forward presence across the globe.

“Proactively addressing these intolerable issues — like sea control — by reducing our carrier fleet from 11 to 10 was the right move and in complete alignment with our national interests,” stated acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan.

“The advent of hypersonic, anti-ship ballistic exposés have all but eliminated the viability and utility of the American aircraft carrier,” he continued. “Air power from the sea is a relic of an undignified chapter of our nation’s history.”

The Truman could not be reached for comment, but sources close to it said that it was thinking about settling down in the warmer climes of southern Texas.

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Sailor ready to defend nation after mandatory training

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NORFOLK, Va. — A vocational warfighter who completed some mandatory training is ready to shoulder the burden of defending the American people, sources confirmed today.

Boatswain’s Mate First Class Drake Washington has devoted the past nine years of his life to honing his person into a lethal instrument of justice, spending a conservative estimate of 18,000 hours on online training requirements and safety briefs.

Command staff aboard USS Bataan stressed that the defining difference between the highly-trained military professional who has never sexually assaulted anyone and a veritable piece of shit are countless hours of rigorous instruction.

“I’d also like to emphasize that Petty Officer Washington utilizes Operational Risk Management on a daily basis and has never once deep-fried a frozen turkey on Thanksgiving,” stated the Bataan’s Safety Officer, Lt. Cmdr. Chuck Parsons. “These safety-conscious and risk-averse warriors are the backbone of our Navy and driving force in ensuring our maritime supremacy.”

Washington’s strict adherence to Bushdio demands elevated cyber awareness and an unwavering commitment to the “0-0-1-3” drinking rule. His superhuman discipline and martial prowess have enabled his mastery of the baser human impulses to rape and download myTunes that would consume lesser men, according to Lt. Rochelle Santiago, the Bataan’s training officer.

Above all, the warrior monk’s code of conduct upholds his solemn vow to never be “that guy.”

There is, however, at least one downside to training the entire Navy to such an impeccable standard.

“We hemorrhage talent and our retention efforts can’t keep up,” said Naval Education and Training Command spokesperson Lt. Camille Schwartz. “You’d be amazed how many organizations in the private sector are looking to hire decent human beings.”

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