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New Program Teaches Transitioning Soldiers How To Properly Fluff Résumé


FORT DRUM, NY — Army officials have announced a new program for transitioning soldiers they say will help curb veteran unemployment and help them fluff their résumés even better than their civilian counterparts.

The Soldier To Civilian Work Program (SCWP) is designed to help soldiers assess their skills and help them get a head-start into the civilian world.

Lt. Gen. Thomas Bostick believes this is an important step to help military members transition from the battlefield into the office.

“Many soldiers leave the Army with no idea of how to fill out a résumé, or even how to behave in a job interview. Our goal with the SCWP is to teach these soldiers that on your list of previous experiences, it’s not okay to put ‘Hadji Killing 08-10.'”

Sergeant Aaron Bourne is set to seperate from the Army in less than two weeks and has recently enrolled in SCWP.

“I thought it was kind of a dumb program, but the CO ordered me to enroll because it looks good on his OER or some bullshit. Come to find out though, I had no idea what it would be like to fill out a résumé or to go to an interview. The program has really helped,” Bourne said.

“I went to a mock interview in my best t-shirt that says something like ‘Ranger the Fuck Up.’ The civilians that were hired to do this mock interview told me that I should consider something more classy, like maybe a button up shirt at the least. My shirt collection includes a ‘Beards Save Lives‘ shirt, but I don’t even own a button up. Who knew that was important?”

The panel of civilians also recommended a long sleeve shirt to cover up SGT Bourne’s tattoos of skulls on his forearms that he says represent “how many towel heads I put in the fucking ground.”

The program has received positive feedback from most soldiers. Still, there are some detractors.

Specialist Jason Smith is one soldier who views the program as “worthless.”

“The SCWP? Yeah, fuck that shit! I’ve got less than 10 days until I ETS and they want to make me go sit in a classroom. Bull-fucking-shit man.”

When asked if he’d even tried the program, Smith said, “Yeah I tried that shit, but they said that for job experience on my résumé I can’t put ‘Major League Infidel,’ or even ‘I shot lots of machineguns.’ It’s ridiculous man, I DID shoot lots of machineguns!”

The soldier believes the Army “shouldn’t be holding his hand.”

“I already have a plan for when I ETS and it involves moving into my mom’s basement in Illinois, collecting unemployment while drinking a fifth of tequila every night, and reading the Duffel Blog to keep up with the current events in the military.”

Bostick expects the program to have its nay-sayers but overall thinks it will be a success.

“The last thing I want is to hear the Joint Chiefs bitching about the high veteran unemployment rate. If these retards can’t get it through their thick skulls that McDonald’s doesn’t care how many weapon systems you’re qualified on, then I don’t know what else to try.”

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  1. So I probably don’t need to wear the “Born To Raise Hell” Tee shirt, with a US soldier stomping on a baby seal, with my ripped jeans and combat boots? Damn. Smith told me this was bullshit.

  2. Thanx TWS and Leftoftheboom….i would have rofled irl except im in an AA meeting and i dont wanna give the newcomers the wrong perception of sobriety.

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  4. Wait a minute, aren’t they going to have to wear their reflective belts with civiling clothes that they bought at the BX, the ones that scream, “I was purchased at the BX” with their black low quarters for the 60-day period following discharge to qualify for the protections under the SCRA?

  5. We’ve had a couple guys redeploy back to Drum early so they could ETS. I better get word back to them so they can get into this class. Lord knows they’ll need it. They need to be prepared for civilian life after they turn in their reflective belts and are no longer protected from the harshness of reality.

  6. Qualificaitons>
    1. I know how to use the standard supplies in the janitor’s closet to send your car into orbit.
    2. I can get all kinds of information out of you with a stapler, rubber band, and a standard ball point pen.
    3. I can handle all the disgruntled customers you have in a efficient and final manner.
    4. You should hire me before your competion does.

  7. I thought Duff Blog was satire? I KNOW THIS IS A JOKE, before someone is quick to point it out. But this one almost seems legit. I could really see a lot of our joes doing shit like this.

  8. Awww, and I was going to wear my “Sometimes Violence is the ONLY answer” shirt to my next interview with my cut-off jean short-shorts. You know, the ones with the pockets visible below the hem?

    • Shannan,
      Unless you are a hot chick with a fine ass you should never wear cutoffs that short. And don’t tell me you’re a hot chick, I’ve been burned too many times. One dude even had ‘bronie’ in his profile I thought it meant brunette or something like that. Instead, it means he’s a guy into glittery little girls toys. Worst part was he didn’t tell me he was a dude for like three weeks.

      Back to your trouser issue, you should wear the uniform pants from your temp lobby guard deal and a t-shirt that looks like a tux. Always classy but with a sense of humor. Don’t worry about not getting a job. There aren’t any and those that are out there go to the boss’ nephew.

    • Shit we still use TAP and its a requirement at Ft.Carson to get your clearing papers signed. Its still about some civilian rubbing it in your face that he makes more money then you ever will. Who sits there stuffing his face and itching his paunch while treating us like we never even held a pencil before.

  9. Hey, think on the bright side – for junior enlisted leaving the Army, they are already set up with a white dress shirt, black four-in-had tie, and conservative trousers, belt, and shoes combination – just get a brwon sport coat and you are set for your interview . . . Just kidding . . .

      • yeah – sorry – but I mean really – the blue dress uniform modified for general service just looks stupid – have you seen the combination of bloused blue trousers? Oh for green service dress again!!!!!

        • “Oh for green service dress again!!!!!” Wow–that’s a phrase I was sure I would never hear. I still have a set of the polyester Class A greens stuffed in a shoebox somewhere in my footlocker. Never occurred to me to break them out for a job interview.

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