PHUKET, Thailand — Sexually transmitted diseases have been racing to nearby clinics to get checked for sailors in an effort to curb a spate of recent outbreaks, sources confirmed today.

The outbreaks come after a group of U.S. Navy ships made a stop at a port in Thailand and released sailors out into the public, a move the local population views as nothing short of biological warfare.

“With no regard for public safety, the commanders saw fit to unleash a swarm of sailors out into the open air, knowing full well that they can easily spread,” said Bobby Khachatryan, a public health practitioner. “Have they no idea what sort of social stigmas STDs encounter when they catch a case of the squids?”

Local sexually transmitted diseases are canvassing the area, looking for fellow maladies who might have unwittingly come in contact with a sailor.

“You can never be too safe or get tested too early,” said a batch of chlamydia. “You don’t want any sailors sneaking up on you. They are nasty, fat and lazy — just gross. It’s also super embarrassing when others find out that you’ve contracted sailors.”

Reported cases of sailors had dwindled prior to the arrival of the ships. Public officials attributed the decline to sailor awareness, sailor prevention, and sailor avoidance.

“It seems the time of plummeting sailor cases is at an end,” Khachatryan said. “Now, we are in reactive mode, and the STDs have to be treated with medication and ointments while we try to contain the sailor outbreak. The public healthcare system is currently overburdened as most STDs are making a dash to the pecker-checker to get swabbed for ‘swabbies.’”

Not everyone is panicking, however. Gonorrhea, a local sexually transmitted infection, welcomes the sailors with arms wide open.

“I caught a grand total of four sailors back in the fifties. They aren’t anything to worry about, really – some squirting and oozing. They are nothing a good dose of penicillin can’t tackle,” gonorrhea said proudly. “Bring those men and women on!”

The following is an excerpt from the personal journal of Lt. Gen. William Yarbrough (1912-2013), reprinted by Duffel Blog with permission from the Green Beret Association.

So here it was, June of 1998, and the Pentagon made the decision that they wanted all the Army Special Operations components under one unit umbrella. They had pretty much everything figured out except what to call the new parent command. So Eric [Shinseki], who was about to take over as chief of staff, called me up and asked me for ideas on a name.

Now, during Vietnam, Green Berets would be out doing things in the middle of nowhere, and they’d have absolutely no supplies to speak of.

Guys would be complaining that they had to do their business out there in the jungle but didn’t have anything to wipe with. The team commanders would be constantly telling people “use a sock.” Or when guys would need to take care of themselves, if you know what I mean, but there was no tissue paper handy? “Use a sock.”

Seriously, socks were easier to get than toilet paper. I still don’t know why. Guys within the Special Forces community started saying “use a sock” for literally everything. It got to the point where it almost became an institutional joke motto, sort of like “Wagner loves the cock” for the Marines.

So now here it is, I’d been retired for almost thirty years, when out of the blue I get a phone call from Eric, and he asks me to come up with an idea for a name for this new major command.

Without even thinking, I blurted out, “Use a sock.” It was just an offhand joke. I never meant for him to take it seriously. But he ran with it, and sure enough, a year and a half later, there he is, announcing the formation of USASOC (U.S. Army Special Operations Command).

I never had the heart to tell him. He’d probably be really embarrassed.

ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. – If anyone is reading this, I am locked in the bathroom of the gym closest to headquarters. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but every Marine in this place suddenly just started raging the fuck out, and I’m afraid for my life.

I was pretty sure half these guys were on steroids to begin with, but it had never been a problem before. Today, though, whichever idiot runs this gym put a Taylor Swift song on the playlist, and I think that set them off. It wasn’t even a new one, just one of the standard breakup songs. As soon as the speaker blared, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in,” these guys just Went. Fucking. Nuts.

As the growls quickly crescendo’d into full on screams and fits of rage, one guy took a bite out of a barbell like it was a goddamn Otis Spunkmeyer cookie. I wouldn’t have minded him so much if he didn’t immediately turn and gaze longingly at my leg. A lifter and his spotter over in the corner began to froth blood at the mouth and started smashing their heads into the wall mirrors. They only stopped to lovingly pat each other on the ass.

One of the only female officers who comes here went ballistic with the jump rope, garroting a male PFC who made the fatal mistake of turning his back on her for half a second to piss in his buddy’s water bottle. I’m 99 percent sure he’s dead now. One can only assume I’ll join him before long.

I made it out of the weight room mostly intact and limped toward the bathroom. I had to make a detour through the cardio room due to a fire breaking out in the hallway, and sweet Jesus, what I saw there will haunt me for the rest of my life. One swole-ass NCO from supply was mindlessly doing somersaults on a slow-moving treadmill.

My own first sergeant was using two lieutenants’ heads as sandals while plodding along on the elliptical and spitting on any TV which dared to show a World Cup game. A contractor was swinging a full-size punching bag like a massive fucking hot dog of horror at anyone within reach, and I’m fairly certain he’s the one who TKO’d the teenage girl who works at the front counter. She looked like she’d been lying there for a few minutes judging by the drool.

I made it through to the bathroom, finally. First I tried the steam room, but the mist was already a bit too pink for my comfort. I couldn’t hide in my locker since it’d already been pried open and used to store a poor fucking comm nerd from the S-6. Under the sinks was out of the question – somehow all the electric cables had been ripped through the soft ceiling panels and were sparking near the pools of water.

In the end I made it into the only stall without a limp body in it, which I’m now sharing with the janitor. I’d feel better if he wasn’t side-eyeing me and gripping his mop handle menacingly.

Seriously, if anyone out there is reading this, please send help.

CLINTON, Okla. — A National Guard soldier is not backing down in local court about his love for hops, sources confirmed today.

Oklahoma National Guardsman Spc. Demond Dowski appeared before a judge after his second DUI charge in the past 13 months. Dowski was appointed a public defender, saying he could not afford an attorney.

“I figured there was no sense of me getting my own lawyer since I am innocent,” Dowski said. “That is money I could be spending on beer. Know what I mean?”

Dowski denied being blackout drunk and driving while intoxicated, according to 1st Sgt. John Ames, who visited the soldier on the night of the incident.

“He was slurring his words really bad,” Ames said. “I am sure he doesn’t remember any of it because he asked me if I had a beer for him during my visit to the jail that evening.”

Sandra Tomko, Dowski’s public defender, says she told him to appear humble and remorseful for his behavior, but he forcefully defended his actions to the judge and refused to apologize.

“I fully expected him to beg for mercy from the court, but instead he denied everything and then confessed his love for beer,” Tomko remarked in amazement. “I’ve never had a client like this — let alone a soldier like this.”

Duffel Blog has learned that the Oklahoma National Guard has begun discharge paperwork for Dowski while the judge has set a penalty hearing for next month.

JACKSON, Mo. — After more than 17 years inside a retired Special Forces soldier’s colon, the first Meals Ready-to-Eat consumed during the war in Afghanistan was pooped out this week, sources confirmed today.

1st Sgt. Jeff Donegan (Ret.) says he ate the beef ravioli MRE during the initial invasion of Afghanistan in October 2001.

“I remember it like it was yesterday. A hot, dusty afternoon on the outskirts of Kandahar. Not a rock or something in sight to lean my heater on,” Donegan said. “I cracked open that wheat snack bread knowing we’d be in it for the long haul, but I never could have imagined it would be this long.”

Donegan went on to serve three more tours in Afghanistan and two in Iraq before retiring in 2011. He said his battle to push the MRE through his intestines is an analogy for the invisible battles thousands of troops fight once they leave the service.

“I thought that once I retired, my days thinking about the war were over, and I could move on with my life,” he said. “But the years went by, and I could still feel the cheese spread inside me, gnawing at my guts. It cut down deep into my core, an obsession that I just couldn’t shake out.”

Donegan finally sought professional help to assist him in passing the MRE through his bowels. He says help is out there for the many soldiers who still struggle to defecate after eating them.

“I finally talked to a therapist and she said that it’s all about acceptance,” he added. “I needed to accept it before I could let it go, to face my demons head on. Yeah, it hurt. I think pooping out MREs hurts us all in its own way, but I got through it.”

At press the time, the most recent plate of goat meat and rice served to American troops by their Afghan partners had already been sprayed all over a local Port-a-John.

KABUL — The Afghanistan War is complaining to anyone who will listen about never having a quinceañera to recognize its ever-advancing age as it celebrates its 17th birthday, sources confirmed today.

A quinceañera is a significant, sometimes spectacular celebration which recognizes maturity, usually held for a 15th birthday. Two years past that mark, the Afghanistan War feels that its big party signifying advancement to the next level, such as peace, is long past due.

“Everybody loved me when I was a baby,” the war said, “until that attention-hog Iraq War came along in 2003. I thought they’d throw a party in 2014 with Obama’s exit strategy but that never happened. Now I’m pretty much forgotten and my asshole Uncle Taliban is still hanging around.”

“The Afghanistan War is getting plenty of recognition,” Pentagon spokesman Maj. Eric Liddell said.

“Afghanistan was a surprise baby, if you know what I mean. We didn’t really plan how to begin, and then kept thinking we’d turn a corner and walk away. And as far as parties go, the average cost of a quinceañera is about $5,000. We’ve already sunk over $1 trillion and tens of thousands of casualties in Afghanistan since 2001. How much more attention does this war want?”

“America loved the other long wars more than me,” the Afghanistan War said. “The Vietnam War got Henry Kissinger and the Paris Peace Accords. All I have is rampant government corruption, soldiers deploying here for the umpteenth time, and unstoppable green on blue attacks. I didn’t even get the traditional quinceañera dance with my father, the Soviet-Afghan War. I’m totally ignored.”

“What am I, the Moro Rebellion or something?”

Despite its protests, the Pentagon shows little sign of changing its position.

“Afghanistan is absolutely not getting a party until it cleans up its room, which it hasn’t done in 17 years,” according to Liddell.

“This is so lame,” responded Afghanistan. “We’ll probably have the same stupid conversation when I’m 18. I’m texting this to the Syrian War.”

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis is “thanking God” after an alleged assassination attempt on his life only involved seeds used to make the deadly poison ricin, not Charms, a candy once found in Meal, Ready to Eat (MRE) packages.

Department of Defense officials were alerted Monday after two envelopes addressed to Mattis, Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson, and President Donald J. Trump containing the poisonous substance triggered alarms at the Pentagon mail screening facility.

“All I was told was that there was a potentially dangerous chemical substance that had found its way into the Pentagon, no mention of ricin or anything,” Mattis said. “Every bone in my body went into shock. I thought it was for sure Charms.”

That feeling is something that still “haunts the hell out of” the former four-star Marine general.

“Once I was briefed on the situation, I ran to my office and locked and loaded,” Mattis said. “As a Marine, when you hear the words ‘potentially dangerous chemical substance,’ your first and only thought is Charms. Those suckers are just bad juju. Everybody knows that.”

The hard candy, most comparable to a Lifesaver, was first featured in MREs during the 1970s, but today is universally accepted amongst members of the military as a cause for bad weather, bodily injury, unexpected combat, and overall bad luck.

Charms were even infamously portrayed as a source of misfortune on the HBO Series “Generation Kill,” which focused on the trials and tribulations of 1st Reconnaissance Battalion Marines during the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

Mattis admittedly “scoffed” when hearing about the curse upon his enlistment into the Marine Corps in 1969, but eventually learned just how dangerous the candy could be.

“The day we landed in the [Persian] Gulf, our interpreter opened a pack of them inside our tent and within seconds we had missiles raining down on us,” Mattis said. “The next day I had my XO ratf-ck all of the MREs on post until they were gone. Some say it’s actually what helped us take back Kuwait.”

Even after all that, Mattis was still visibly shaken up when asked further about Charms.

“I thought they were coming back in stock or something. It’s just a flashback I never wanted to have,” he added. “And I’ve seen some shit.”

Upon receiving confirmation that it was “just ricin,” Mattis went back to work Friday, even reportedly using some of the confiscated poison as coffee creamer the following morning.

“It’s actually not all that bad,” Mattis said. “Pretty weak stuff, nothing that blows my hair back, but it’ll do I guess.”