Op-Ed: Formation Is Definitely Happening On Time Today

Soldiers In Formation
Soldiers In Formation
Soldiers In Formation

The following is an op-ed piece written by Specialist Jason Smith.

No way First Sergeant is keeping us late today, not going to happen. I mean, we got the camo cleaned out and rolled up, the shelters are prepped, and that damn conex is straightened out. Ain’t going to happen. It’s been four fucking months since I got home and put this shit in my wife, if you know what I mean – I mean sex.

But for realz, these guys are ridiculous. First Sergeant sits in that damn office all day, wanders out in a fucking Alzheimer’s coma, looks at the numbers on some trucks and then wanders off mumbling to himself. And forget the damn commander, open door policy right? Nah, open-battalion-commander’s-ass-and-insert-head policy is more like. Maybe that’s why we never get off on time. First Sergeant forgot where the hell he was, and the commander is spelunking.

Forget anyone else taking accountability. I don’t think the E-7’s or E-6’s even showed up today. Those fucking dudes know the real deal. They put the most creative shammer to shame. Hell, didn’t Sergeant Swanson get a DUI a couple weeks ago? On a goddamn scooter of all things. He’s still sporting that rocker through, aint he? Real under the rug type shit. Not like he’s going to show up in the next ten minutes and say “Form Up,” in that obnoxious tone all these guys have.

I mean, it’s hard being lower enlisted, and it aint that much easier being me. You cats just don’t know. Sure, I live off post, but I can’t afford the fucking rent. That was my scum bag wife who wanted that place. How the hell am I supposed to afford a four bedroom place which costs two times what I get for BAH? But, noooooooo!, She’s got to have her fucking walk in closet. Lord knows what she puts in there; It’s not like she’s got a goddamn job to buy dresses and shit, and I sure as hell don’t have any money.

Oh look, there comes TOP; oh no, wait. . . he’s looking at his watch, and fumbling in his pockets. Oh nope, he’s turrr. . . ning. . . around, and yup – right back into the Company.

Hooah, go Army, Army strong.

Maybe we’ll get lucky and they forgot they had to account for some 50-year old piece of shit equipment that is the size of a baseball and is somewhere between the left edge of the motor pool and the right edge. That’ll be fun. Because, you know, they couldn’t have possibly figured that one out earlier. Like maybe when they told us we had to shift out for lunch because we were so busy. Yeah, that was classy. So busy, that we just sat in the trucks with kevlars for an hour and a half while some asshole told us the grills weren’t straight enough. But what are you gonna do?

We’ll get home around 18:00. Maybe, I’ll call up Johnson and we’ll go to that trashy strip club where they can’t show their tits. I mean, what the fuck kind of strip club is BYOB? All the cheaper, I guess. Yeah. . . That’s the plan – when we get off at 2100.


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20 Comments

  1. I was at Ft. Huachuca for Intelligence Analyst MOS school in “08 and we had a E-7 in charge who was on some really good meds. he would be chilling in his office when we were at our 1730 formation and he would usually walk out like an hour late or so and apologize for forgetting what time it was, and he would be looking stoned as fuck the whole time, we eventually learned to just send someone to go break him out of his trance. LMAO.

  2. Shit, I had a fully functional alcoholic plt sgt that I was going to kill because some douchebags think that just because you are in Korea, they can keep you sitting around with your thumb up your ass for HOURS after 1700…and then bug the shit out of you constantly on your “off” time to do shit that could be done on Monday. That motherfucker brought his fat unwashed wife and child over there on his own dime and then never wanted to go home to them…..fuck just remembering that assmuncher makes me want to beat babies.

    • Wow some not so pent up agression there. But probably necessary. Don’t you wish the military would issue those most in need that one vital component…a life.

    • Wow – just – wow – and I thought it was hard in the Corps – I always thought the Army was like Christmas every day – better chow, better pay, better quarters, better gear – oh yeah, that’s right, I had the Commission then, but still . . . Yeah and all that – and I had to pay for most of it out of my ‘better’ pay check – go figure! No one ever joins to get enriched – we are there because we want to be!!!! 🙂

  3. I remember the time when I was but a young enlisted man. It was 1830. The common areas were cleaned, the equipment was put all in it’s place, the weapons were inventoried, and all the meetings were conducted. BUT we were still fucking there.

    I ran into the Commander after getting a soda in the break room. I asked him if everything was all right with the wife at home. He said “Everything is just fine. Why do you ask?”

    I said, “Well Sir, I want to go home and see my wife every once in a while and it seems like you don”t.”

    We got released five minutes later. The fucker actually Forgot that he had not released his company for the day. The 1SG chewed my ass. I told him I was sorry for doing his job. Then he really smoked my ass.

    • my last unit we actually had a 1SG that would forget about our 1700 closeout formation about 3x a week, half the time the CDR would come back from his evening meeting around 1800 and would be like “WTF are you guys still doing here”…..yeah that happened alot. One time we were supposed to get off at 1200 on a Friday for payday activities…the 1SG was not tracking, it was not until the BN CSM walked though the company areas at 13:30 that we were released…..by the CSM……Top was nowhere to be found!

      • and then there was “Phantom Time” that time at 1500 on Friday when CG III Corps said – though shalt be with your family – and woe be tide to anyone still in a motor pool or other garrison activity when the CG ceoms driving around to check and see that the troops are released . . .

        • OMG…phantom time…when I was but a butterbar XO doing a change of command inventory that was beyond FUBAR, my boss had left because he was pissed at me and my Supply SGT and left us at the company to find some of his stuff, well this was after the horn had gone off on Thursday ( Phantom time is on Thursday at Hood now), the BNCSM fill in came wondering through the office and while I was on the phone begging a buddy of mine for an unclaimed flatrack this MSG who filling in untill the CSM got there had my Supply Sgt at parade rest reading him the riot act for having his section still in the office during “Family Time”. So I came out of the office got the whole “Hey Sir, you really need to get these guys outta here, or I’m gonna throw you under the bus the the BN CDR” speech. I said roger that were out the door in the right now. He leaves and I call the boss thinking I got some kind of reprieve on finding this shit, tell the boss that we had to go, the boss says bullshit lock the doors and turn off the lights, 6 hours later and all day on friday we found his shit, Gotta love the phantom time…..good times brother, good times!

          • SGT’s Rule #24. All missing inventory equipment is usually found in the motorpool next to yours.

            SGT’s Rule #25. Make sure you have the correct paint and stencils to ensure proper marking of equipment for inventory.

          • CPT 2011 – greetings brother! You know – you are right – it was Thursday – after NCODP time in the AM . . . For a while it was quashed – glad to know its back – it is the “Great Place” after all! You are right – good times! I love Hood! Cheers! Have a Great Army Evening!

    • OH you are funny, I don’t remember ever getting out “on time”. They used to remind us that we were technically on duty until midnight.

  4. you know, that ‘open-door policy’ isn’t so much so that you all can come see me when you want, it’s really so I can keep my eyes on all of you – and really – given the attitude in the motor-pool – hmmmm – where is the 1SG – “hey TOP! – go schedule an NCODP, get your NCOs to school the junior enlisted on the ‘Warrior Ethos” and, yes, it’s Friday – I want this done NLT 1700, and then I want an EXSUM NLT 1900 this evening and an Information Paper and Powerpoint NLT 0600 tomorrow – if the #*$%^&*$% not squared away to my satisfaction, count on a all hands formation at 0900 – make it so – XO, get in here – I want a lay-out of all the tool boxes in the MP and I want it to happen TODAY – tust your NCOs, but count the #*&$ yourself . . .”

    • What I love is when we have all the guys just assemble and then just shoot the shit in the office for an hour or so while they wait. That is fucking awesome, or when I make up some nonexistent piece of equipment for them to look for, and their asses can’t leave until its accounted for…

      • that is out-freaking-standing! You remind me of – wait for it – me . . . All kidding aside (well most of it anyway) and there I was and this is no #*&%^ pre change of command inventory and I was in a hurry, and so was the outgoing commander, and she had a ton of reasons for wanting to get done and get gone, so I took her word for it and accepted the property book without first personally inventorying all the end items and hand receipts . . . As I wrote, TRUST your NCOs (and for that matter brother & sister officers) but count the stuff yourself – the report of survey may or may not be your friend – the cash collection voucher is most assuredly not . . .

        • Sign the papers. sign the papers. sign the papers. then pay some money.

          My supply sergeant lateral transfered a M105 trailer without bothering to see what was in it. It had a generator in the back. Adding to insult, the generator was on the commanders hand receipt. 8000 bucks. Just sign here.

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