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Weight Loss Guru Teaches Marines How To Quickly Get Within Standards

One Marine Who Refused To Go Through The Program Denied Repeated Requests For Interview

Quantico, VA – As the Marine Corps clamps down on body fat standards, one thing is clear: Marines have no excuse for not making their weigh-in goals. From the wide adoption of CrossFit workouts to their partnership with celebrity trainers, senior leaders have shown their dedication to helping Marines maintain their image as lean force in readiness.

But despite intense exercise and nutritional guidelines, some Marines still have problems making weight, and that’s where the Corps’ newest expert comes in.

Dr. James O. Skully, the co-founder of the National Weight-Control Registry, has helped people to lose weight and keep it off for good for years. He says working with civilians can sometimes be a challenge, “but the Marines respond better to different methods.”

“I can teach these men in ways that normally overweight people just wouldn’t respond to,” says Skully of his time so far with the military. “And I’ve really expanded my syllabus to specifically suit the USMC weigh-in standards. Because most Marines who are above weight limits are within 5-10 pounds of their goal, the emphasis can be switched from the long term to methods that work faster, but can be harder for a civilian to do.”

Skully says one of the easiest ways to drop weight quickly is through his “detox method.”

“There are different ways to do it, but the essential idea is to have a liquid diet for a couple days to cleanse the intestine. Another popular way is with laxatives like Epsom salt. It is pretty nasty and disgusting, but then again, so are you.”

A full detox would usually include a complete ban on calorie-heavy alcoholic beverages, but leaders in the Pentagon said this would be “an unrealistic and unattainable demand for Marines.”

Some Marines have been hesitant about his methods, but the results among test groups of Marines currently in the Body Composition Program (BCP) have shown quick loss of weight, and many others in the “danger zone” (within 10 pounds of being overweight) were able to avoid being relegated to the BCP altogether.

Staff Sergeant Rod Garcia, a former “danger zone” Marine, was initially skeptical but is now convinced after taking part in the program.

“At the start I thought the man was crazy. I figured there was no way it was healthy to work out for 4 hours in a plastic sweatsuit and finish up with 40 minutes in the sauna. But after I was finished I was twelve pounds under my max weight and I felt like a champion. But the best part is that I was twelve pounds under my max weight! Plus, did I mention I felt like a champion?” Garcia said.

“The only downside is that my urine is dark brown,” he finished, as Dr. Skully handed him some Motrin.

Other highly successful methods demonstrated by Dr. Skully include smoking, which reduces appetite, and long term food deprivation. These two methods, in conjunction with forcing oneself to throw up, have yielded astounding results in patients diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia.

He also offered some final advice to those looking for some last minute tricks to beat the scale.

“When you step on [the scale], make sure you completely exhale. The human lungs can hold plenty of air, and despite what you may think, oxygen gets heavy very quickly. Also, you can literally shave off a pound or so if you have plenty of hair by getting a buzzcut the night before. And if you shave off all other body hair it will only help that much more. Especially eyebrows; they add up, and most people wouldn’t think to get that.”

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  1. I’m surprised no one else noticed it and pointed it out , thats not a pic of a fattie marine , Thats more than likely a female sailor , notice the cankles, and the standard NIA. Navy issue ass…..

    • No. That’s a Marine. Look at the haircut and stop jerkin it. Or keep on and think it’s a WM MT driver. Butchish of the Butch.

  2. 2 honking big tablespoons of epsom salts will have you squirting hot chocolate out your ass in about 2 hours. works really good, especially if you got someone trying to check your oil. it’ll drop at least 10-15 pounds in 24 hours. then you add the plastic suit and sauna, DAMN! you be passing the weigh-in with no problems.

  3. So TWS, you’re saying it’s the Navy that is known to fellate each other (for you army guys fellate means to suck each others penises)? I always thought it was marines who were well known to fellate each other.

    • I know the Navy sometimes projects their own twisted perversions (not that there’s anything wrong with twisted perversions now that the Commander in Chief has endorsed them) on others. However, sodomy is not an issue for most Marines. I mean yes ‘checking the oil’ happens and guys do weird shit out in the field when they’re bored and stupid (which is let’s admit it the default condition for boots). But that doesn’t make it deliberate. Who hasn’t been blind folded by his buddies and told to ‘suck on this hose’ as normal hazing fun?

  4. Don’t Forget to tape up the stomach. Use clear tape and then suck in your breath and tighten the tape. That way they won’t even weigh you. It works every time.

  5. Here comes that sick crazy clockwork orange Kevin!! I’m BACK! Ch ch ChA Chair Farce?! Pools? Why didn’t they tell ME!? Cuz just like now, I’D be like A TURD IN A PINCH BOWL

  6. I luv Dr. Skully – he is my new hero – not sure what sold me – but the combination of rubber suit and sauna with starving and purging is the best! Yep, kill the kidneys and you kill the patient . . .

  7. This ain’t news. The Corps can save tons of money by using recruiters. 1 lb per week, my ass… Fatty’s contracting on MONDAY!! Mr. Recruiter Man needs a bone.

  8. This is so sad our great Marine corps reduced to being swindled by a weight loss charlatan. Haircuts? Unless you’re Crystal Gayle (I don’t know who modern kids would know so just google it) you don’t have enough hair to matter. Laxatives? That’s even worse. Unless you’re Suzy Rottencrotch’s cousin, Buffy Frigidcrotch (she’s got her own problems and for some damn reason if a Marine marries her she starts using her cousin Suzy’s last name) you just never need to use laxatives to lose weight.

    Now cigarettes are a time tested method of losing weight, keeping your hands occupied, and looking cool hanging out in a bar. For you Marines that come from a true ‘country’ background of course ‘dip’ is acceptable and you’re not going to live long enough to get lip cancer anyway. City boys should not try to use chew. You don’t know how to do it and the spitting and mess is worse if you don’t learn in jr. high. Also you sound like you have a cock in your mouth not that there’s anything wrong with that (for you Navy guys) but Marines should never sound that way.

    As to exercise, I’m sure extending the life of DI’s by hiring them to follow Marines around after boot camp and harassing them there is a win-win. They can pull ‘surprise inspection’ anywhere and at any time. Following guys into a ‘Chilis’ and slapping the potato skins out of their hands while screaming obscenities while the Marine starts duckwalking around the parking lot is a great plan.

    In worst case scenarios, they could send the Marines to a ‘spa’ also called an Air Force base. What with captains saying, ‘call me dude’, and the fit-for-human food and housing they’ll believe they’re in a spa anyway (this is Marines we’re talking about). Put some women out by the pools (all Air Force bases have outdoor/indoor pools sauna’s and hot tubs and stuff right?) and guys will kill themselves trying to out-do one another impressing the women.

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